ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

riquelme

TB - sorry to hear about whats going on, it sounds like hes not quite ready to stop gambling just yet. you need to look after yourself and family 1st. he needs to learn to look after himself too it seems, i think its called tough love. i wish you well.

george - yeah the OH is in the loop regarding our finances, ive tried to be honest with her about what i owe, how im paying it back etc, going to meetings. here lies a part of the problem, the meetings, the debt etc reminds her of what i have done. on top of that she has come into some money due to a family member passing away and wants to pay it off the mortgage. i dont want it at all,. we owe approx £50,000 mortgage and £8500 secured loan (from my 1st gambling spree 5 years ago) the advisor told us that it would be a good idea to pay off the £8500 which later upset OH because she then though her grans money would be paying off my debt. cue weekend of arguing, getting at me, upset etc etc (all of which i deserve after what ive done). she sees it as affecting us for the next 8 years and hates me for it. i suppose i have to win the trust and respect back.
could i live with her for the sake of the children? yes. could i cope without her or the children? no.

i think we are going to be ok although i had stupid thoughts at the weekend, thinking things like " if she thinks im still gambling then why dont i" so i contemplted doing fixed odds on the footy. i actually looked at the fixtures and thats it. didnt put the bet on, in fact didnt even make a bet in my mind.
spoke to a few people at GA last night and they just said hang in there, keep doing what your doing.

i know ive done wrong, i know ive let the family down. im rambling too now..

best wishes everyone

TotallyBroke

Hi riquelme, I can totally relate to your OH. I feel the same with my OH and his debts.
I'm not too up on savings and isa's etc but would you both consider saving the inheritance. Until such time that the secured loan is paid off.
That way she'll get the satisfaction of the money being put to good use and not as a bail out. You also get the satisfaction that you paid off your own debt. (It'll earn brownie points too)
As for living together for the children. I think that will be hard. Would you both consider marriage guidance of some sort? Just talk about your relationship and try not to let the gambling be mentioned every week. Mention it at the start so counsellor knows the history but then move on with what you both want from the family/relationship.
I think you know that "cutting your nose off to spite your face" was a silly idea that's why you didn't go through with it. Well done for not doing so. Also fantastic job for not putting on a bet.
Knowing you have done wrong is a great start. Showing your OH that you can make realistic amends is step 2. Learning to realise that she may not believe/trust you is step 3 and so on. Eventually she'll be walking that long walk with you but it'll be very lonely on your own for a while.

GeorgeUK

Well done for not gambling. The fact that it crossed your mind is slightly worrying, even though you didn't make or consider a bet. Stay strong - you don't want to lose focus of what the priorities are.

If OH did put money towards any of your debts (I agree that the secured debt would be a priority as it impacts your house), you could put that down as a 0% debt that you are just putting off paying for now. I can see her point of view - what is she getting out of it, especially as that money could have made her feel more secure. Try not to dwell on it - focus on what you can change. It's money left to her at the end of the day and she can do what she wants with it. Hope that doesn't sound too snippy, but i think the security factor will be a big issue for her, so spending that money will be a major leap of faith.
(Is the secured loan at 8% APR)?

You may have let your family down, but you are trying to make amends - and i think doing a damn fine job of it. You have shown you are committed to dealing with the debt and committed to your family and the promises you have made. It's going to be a hard battle and i'm sure there will be more days like that. So far you've won all your battles - that last one you almost got outflanked on so keep vigilant. Don't give up - some things are worth fighting for.

riquelme

just a quick bump back to the top for the benefit of newcomers etc


so hows everyone doing? things have settled down here for now. juts going to get my head down and keep doing the right things.

as far as my DMP is concerned, im 3 months into it and barclays are still adding interest, which is dissapointing, im paying £60 and they are putting £30 in interest back on!! grrr any advice on this anyone

anyway hope everyones ok

stay strong, just for today i will not gamble

sandy_beech_2

i feel so down and ashamed to be back on here again to tell you i have once again fell of the wagon. won nearly 3,000 over the past 2 weeks but now lost that plus another £2000. i feel like sh**

james32_uk

Not a possibility for everyone of course, but for those of you who don't want Gamblock for whatever reason - citigroup current account has a debit card that will not authorise payments to gambling internet sites.

riquelme

sandy_beech wrote: »

i feel so down and ashamed to be back on here again to tell you i have once again fell of the wagon. won nearly 3,000 over the past 2 weeks but now lost that plus another £2000. i feel like sh**

sandy sorry to hear about that.

a normal person would find what you say ridiculous, i can hear my OH now, "how could you win 3000 and lose it and more?'

well the answer is that we are not normal people, we have a serious problem with gambling. walking away with our winnings isnt ever considered, even if we do walk away, we will be back tommorrow and the day after until its all gone and we feel like cr@ p. sandy it sounds like you havent got to that place where you realise that you have no control over it and want to do something about it. i hope you find that place soon. remember we are always here for you. if you need a chat send me a pm and i will send you my number.

it doesnt make you a bad person but it can ruin your and others lives.

best wishes, will be thinking about you over the weekend

cantcope

Sorry to hear that Sandy. I agree totally with Riquel. Once you accept and admit you have no control it makes it a lot easier to deal with. Winnings for a problem gambler are only a short term loan. Even if you us your winnings to buy things inevitably you end up paying for them more than once anyway. Someone i know says anything he bought he would work for at least twice. He's have the money he'd earnt, go to buy something but gamble his earnings to try and win more, this never happened so he would have to earn the money again to get what he could have bought in the first place.
does that make sense? it does in my head...

James, lovely to see you on here. Been a while since we first spoke. Hope you are well xx

All good here. I get my 2 year pin at GA open meeting next week so am getting a bit nervous about what i'll say as mum will be with me. She normally blubs when she hears me speak there and we end up having quite a long conversation afterwards. It's good for both of us.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Sandy, brush yourself down and start again x

GeorgeUK

Ok Sandy, time to face the music.

You're a pratt - i know you probably feel that way about yourself and don't need anyone pointing it out, but i've been there and know this isn't what's important. The question is are you going to continue to be like that or change.

I believe you were wanting to get married next year - you can't do that if you can't control yourself. It's just not fair. Gamblers ruin their own lives or at least put serious pressure on it and it's not a happy place to be. If you intend to live the rest of your life with another person, you can't expect them to live without any security and possibly getting into debt themselves because of your addiction.

I used to be a pratt - one of the biggest. I decided to change. Use the guilt you are feeling right now to close all your accounts. Don't just close them but email the organisations stating that you have a gambling problem and they should hopefully not allow you to open another account - at least not with the same card. I kept only 1 account open and managed to lose almost £10k. What you have done cannot be changed - you need to concentrate on what you can now do. I'm guessing right now you are still at the stage of wanting to pull out your hair, scream at the top of your lungs, curl into a ball and just cry. Use that pain to put you in a stronger position while you still feel like you never want to gamble again. Once it wears off, you may feel desperate and try to undo some of the damage by trying to win back some of the money. Don't do it. It's gone and you are never going to win it back - even if you did, you can probably be honest enough with yourself to know you wouldn't be able to keep hold of it for long.

It's time to start rebuilding and you need to make sure you set the groundwork so that you have a steady platform to build from. You can beat this, but you're going to need to go through some really tough and emotional barriers to stay on the straight and narrow. There's no such thing as a harmless flutter for us. We don't have the discipline to walk away even when we're ahead.

We'll be here for you as much as you need us Sandy. You 're planning a new life getting married - lets start by getting you away from the gambling. A few questions if you don't mind, just to try to get some perspective on what happened.

Why did you start gambling a few weeks ago?
Was there a catalyst?
What were you feeling before you started?
You say you were gambling for about 2 weeks - why didn't you stop?

I know some of these questions will sound a little strange, but if you can identify what started you gambling if you had stopped for a while, it may allow you to avoid doing the same again and deal with things differently.

We're rooting for you mate.
You need to find the strength to lift yourself up again and climb that hill.

Are your finances able to take this hit, or are you really messed up now? I'll have a look to see if you posted a SOA in any of your other threads and see if there is anything i can advise.

Take care.
George

MyLastFiver

Jesus. I've just read a few pages of this thread, and I wish I hadn't. It seems to me like a study in completely preventable misery.

One poster hit the nail on the head when thay said something like "I only stay with him because he's my only friend". Manipulative men prey on this sort of self-hatred and insecurity.

The number of women on here who would rather be miserable, scared and desparate than get rid of their infantile, selfish men is incredible.

Now onto TotallyBroke. TB, there are one or two very clear messages coming through to me from the details of your life and relationships you have given on here. Sorry but what I have to say about them is harsh.

OH has now gambled £470 from my account this week and won £250. But it's ok because he went to bingo on Friday day and won the national prize so according to him he'll be getting £1,000.
He gave me a choice on Friday I could have the £220 difference in my hand there and then or I could wait until Friday (apparantly that's when they will give him his money) and I could have the whole £470 and he will pay for our son's room to be replastered.

So this man (father to your child or not) stole from you, gambled your money, then entered into negotiations with you about how to give it back? Why haven't you had him arrested? The fact that he won is irrelevant. He could just as easily have lost.

This is the harsh bit: You seem to be prepared to enter into complicated and destructive games with this man. The above incident is just one example. Here are two more: 1. You leave the gambling booket lying round the house for your OH to "find"? Why can't you just have a conversation with him, if there's something on your mind? 3. You get your young son to ring his Dad in order to make him feel bad about being late? Your manipulative behaviour did not have the desired effect (of making your OH feel bad and come round) but backfired into a stupid, pointless argument. If you have something to say to your OH, then just say it yourself.

The most heartbreaking part of your story is your young son asking for his Daddy, who has let him down. I suggest to you that this man will not ever make your son happy; he is too selfish.

I've written this on another thread but some men (and it tends to be men) are too immature, self-centred and destructive to form functional relationships. It sounds like your OH is one of them. So do not enter into any more silly games with him. Get away. What sort of man lets his son down, then twists it round to make you out to be the bad guy? These patterns must stop. Now.

And next time he steals from you, get him !!!!ing arrested.

Your son is entering into patterns of thought and behaviour that, if not addressed, will affect his emotional makeup, and his mental health, for life. A one year-old is pining for his Daddy, who does not turn up. And you wonder whether you should tell him "he'll be here in a minute"? What does that teach your son? That his Daddy doesn't want to see him, and that his Mummy lies to him? All this will teach him is that he shouldn't trust anyone Your son is also learning that it's OK for men to treat women like !!!!, and that his life will be characterised by people letting him down and not loving him. His father is a loser. You have to be the reliable, honest and loving one.

TotallyBroke, you need to take control. Get away from this toxic man. When did you learn that it was your role in life to put up with people who treat you like crap? I suspect that you learned this as a little girl, and you think that this is what families are like. You deserve better.

Your son will get over his Daddy not being around. Millions of kids have to. Your boy would do far better with a step father who is loving and reliable, than a natural father who lets him down and does his best to undermine the security of the family. You need to give your ex a non-negotiable choice: he can either turn up to see his son when he says he will, or he can !!!! off. You're running things now, not him.

Someone has written We all love people that hurt us and let us down.

Couldn't disagree more. These are the people not to love. We are only victims if we allow ourselves to be. Life's too short to spend it with someone who makes you miserable.

TB you have taken a brave and important step in booting this loser out. Now make sure he actually goes, rather than continuing to hang around to manipulate you and steal from you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. For you and your son.