ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

riquelme

joebob - good for you, one day at a time

for the rest of today i will not gamble

re monday - is there anything you can do to get you out the house? a park? cinema? meet up with freinds for a coffee - anything do absoloutely anything except be alone with your computer

start making small changes like above and with a bit of will power you can do it

let us know how you get on, best wishes

TotallyBroke

As the title says it's crunch time tonight.
OH has now gambled £470 from my account this week and won £250. But it's ok because he went to bingo on Friday day and won the national prize so according to him he'll be getting £1,000.
He gave me a choice on Friday I could have the £220 difference in my hand there and then or I could wait until Friday (apparantly that's when they will give him his money) and I could have the whole £470 and he will pay for our son's room to be replastered.
My choice was to go out with my friends and get drunk. Nothing more.
He was out all Saturday afternoon and evening, and was so smarmily (sp real word?) nice it was stomach churning. On Sunday we didn't really talk at all. I couldn't be a*sed.
My Mum rang me at work today to say that she thought I was a bit down on Saturday and now she knows why. OH and her work at the same place. He came into work today and told her he had been to bingo on Friday. That is the straw that has broke my back now.
He won't talk to his own family and admit to them that he has a problem. But will openly admit to my family what he is doing. When they are the ones that are bailing me out to lend me money to keep going.
I told my Mum I am 75/25 for asking him to leave but if I'm honest I'm 99/1 but am reserved because I don't want it to go bad like it did last time.
Mum says I should give him a chance but once I explained the last time was his last chance and the time before that. She doesn't know what advice to give.

Thank you to cantcope I got the booklet on Saturday morning, OH opened the post as he was first up. He didn't say anything when he handed it over. I've left it lying around in different spots around the room so he can see it. If DS has gone near it I've told him "No that's Mummy's book". Just to make the point.

I've text him at work saying we need to talk tonight and I mean us both talk not him just listen. I've told him I can't see a way to get over this apart from going our own seperate ways. I've also said that the GA meetings are obviously not working. I've even looked into how much rooms are going for in our area as he couldn't afford to rent anywhere on his own. Although Mum says that's not my place to be looking that's for him to do.

So please keep your fingers crossed for me that it goes smoothly and that I don't have to call the police again and have social services breathing down my neck.
If I can get him to pay me money to pay off the gambling debts I should be able to cope financially but only time will tell.

buddiebabe

TotallyBroke am so sorry to hear about everything. I hope you manage to sort things out. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through.

When i started gambling i was single and now i live with my partner. He is great and tries hard to understand.

The thing that made me finally give up was the fact that i was totally fed up not being able to do anything as i couldn't afford too and it was having an affect on my relationship with my partner who i wouldnt be without and i couldn't bear the thought of being without him.

Thinking of you
Buddiebabe x

cantcope

Hi TB, really really sorry to hear your news.
If he's won the national prize at bingo then he would getting a lot more than £1000! more likely £100,000. if it was the regional then maybe a grand but usuall more. These prizes have to be verified before they are given out. Also, if he did win the national then he would have been given the house prize that night. (i used to go with my mum now and again) Can you go with him on the friday night? Before he blows whatever winnings he's getting? I hate to say it but i think he might be telling porkies. I'd get the £220 now rather than wait until friday and risk getting nothing.

I hope it goes ok tonight. Glad you got the book.

I agree with your mum about not looking for a place for him. He needs to realise that he's an adult. There's a bit in the book about immaturity. something i struggled with myself a bit i think but now have sorted (i hope).

Don't worry too much about the debts right now. We can help you with those on the DFW board. Just concentrate on you and your son and creating a happy environment. Your OH is stealing from you and maybe the only way to show him you mean business is to report him to the police for theft.

Harsh but might be necessary to put the wind up him.

Wishing you luck for tonight xxxx

riquelme

TB - sounds like hes not ready to stop gambling just yet. you need to do whats best for you and DS. perhaps that may give him the motivation to stop and put the family 1st.

wishing you well x

TotallyBroke

Morning to you all.

I'm amazingly calm today. I feel like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
We spoke once lo had gone to bed and we both talked in a calm rational manner. The tears did have to be choked back on my part but it went ok. (I'm quite an emotional person)

I said I can't continue to live like this for 2weeks, 2months and especially not years. So I said we would have to split up for the time being. I said he needed to self support himself and once he had mastered that then he could consider supporting us as a family.
He replied he had been trying but he didn't know how long it would take. He can't give time scales as to when his gambling will stop.
While I can understand that a time scale cannot be given. I had to admit I do not know much about the addiction. You see for me (I'm a smoker) if I was told I had to stop something or risk losing my family I would stop. But maybe my will power is stronger.
He admitted that he chose to go to bingo to get out of the house as he feels that if he had been at home he would've gambled an awful lot of money from my account.
He collected the money last night as they rang to say he could collect. He gave me £400 to pay off what he owes me this time and the rest to go to ds bedroom. I didn't want it at first because I thought he would need it to find somewhere to live but then I thought I need it.

He spoke about his feelings and how he has felt for the past month. He has felt that I have not wanted him. He feels that he was only living with us for the sake of our son. He has even thought that I have been having an affair because I've been doing overtime at work.
I can see where he is coming from there. When he came back we never got our relationship back on track it was all about the gambling. I explained that I feel like his Mum and maybe that's why I have put up barriers. But I need those barriers to protect ds and myself.
I can assure him and everyone else I'm not having an affair. I'm off men. With my track record I really should give up the whole relationship thing as a bad job.
I told him about the websites that have listings for rooms to rent and I also asked if he could go back to his Dad's. Although I didn't ask him to leave straight away. I have said he can stay a couple of days to sort something out.
He is going to ask his ga meeting tonight if anyone would object to me sitting in on a meeting. I've agreed that if it is ok I will go. I've admitted that with the help of you lovely people I'm starting to understand but maybe hearing others it will give us both something to talk about.

He has text me this morning apologising and promising to try his hardest and not gamble. He has said he will leave his bank card at home, he'll put a gambling block on the computer and also get me to password protect it.
But I'm thinking he is missing the point. I don't need passwords and gamblock on the pc because he won't be having access to it. I need him to look after himself and for me to look after myself for a while if we are ever going to get over this and ever have a relationship. I love him as he is my son's Dad but as I'm writing this I am questioning whether I am in love with him anymore. Whether I love him enough to stand by him forever knowing he could slip at any moment. Who knows?

Just one day at a time, for today I will enjoy the light relief and smile.

Thank you to everyone you have been a huge amount of support to me. Cantcope I read him your paragraph last night about involving the police it certainly changed his mood slightly. It was then that I could say what did he expect from me when people in the same situation as him were not sticking by him. They were agreeing with me that what he is doing is wrong.

cantcope

Hi TB, really pleased it seemed to go well last night. Maybe seeing that paragraph shocked him slightly. There is no need for you to not love him. We all love people that hurt us and let us down. But you can work on your relationship without living together. Mayeb once things have settled he could take you on dates, something for him to save his money for rather than gamble it.

I'm also glad you got your money back. To put a block on the computer you dont need a password. That would be too easy. Gamblock is not password protected. It's stops all gambling full stop and unless you are a computer whizz it cannot be removed. it's about £30 a year. Much less than a loss from gambling. You're right that he wont have access to it but it might be an idea to put it on now in case you have him back in the future.

Getting to a meeting would be a great idea for you. But if you can't manage it there are a few sites you can go on that have live chat and also threads for other halves of compulsive gamblers. Gamcare site is quite good for that.

Without sounding mean you probably wont ever understand the problem. Same as non smokers dont understand why we dont all just stop?!
But, you can support a compulsive gambler without being a doormat and begin to understand that it isn't personal although i'm sure it feels like it sometimes.

Keep strong. Thinking of you x (both)

Marker_2

I just stumbled across this thread and thought I would add my bit. As a few months ago I was asking for advice regarding gambling.

It all started on my birthday some 4 years ago, OH and I had been going out just under a year, living together etc. Out of noweher he dumped me. The reason was because he couldnt afford a present for me, he was skint so gambled what money he had to try and win back some money and needless to say he lost it all and then some. It all came out then that he had been gambling as a teen for years and have a 5k loan out of it.

I told him then I would support him and we would get through this.

Forward 4 years and and we are having the same problems, except we have a young child now. End of last year we split up over numerous things, gambling just being one of them, I found out that he had gambled thousands of pounds over the years while we we struggling. Earlier this year we got back together. He wanted to make a fresh start with me and our little one.

For some time he did really well, we were due to go on holiday, but I found out that about 2 weeks before the holiday he started gambling again, a few hundred gone. I had self excluded him from a few accounts which he tried to revoke with no joy. Role on a couple of months gamble free and then I find out last week he has been gambling again. I contacted those particular sites to find out how much he'd spent and it was £70. The slimeball had been using his phone, and as I reguarly check his account he had a cashcard which he put money onto in order to gamble. So there was no card trace.

So currently not speaking properly at the moment.

The problem is we are living apart, have been for the last 2 1/2 years due to his work being based away. I am joining him for good in 2 weeks. When his family are around he doesnt play, because he's not bored etc. But I cant be around him all the time. Plus he goes away quite often with his job and now I know he can play on his phone if he wants to it sends the !!!!!! up me.

I have self excluded him from most sites now, but I have left the two main ones that he uses as when he is home next I want him to do them himself. His dream is to play in the Poker Tour next year (as he did last year, funnily enough he was away with that when we broke up for 3 months).

We don't have hughe debts, nothing that can't be paid off with a bit of effort. But thats because I am careful with money and lacking in a social life. He can't seem to comprehend that though, he doesnt see his gambling affect our lives, especially mine the way it is.

He won't do GA meetings, he just wouldnt do it.

I have told him I want him to make me power of attorney in January next year, for various reasons.

GeorgeUK

Sorry to hear that Marker.

Sometimes people don't see gambling as a problem until they get a big shock - i used to be like that. I had gambled for years, not megabucks, depositing money a few times a month but seeing it as a hobby. It wasn't until i went totally over the top with a betting spree and panic bet a few thousand. I knew i had a problem, but didn't see a way out without winning some back.

I now have a plan on getting out of debt and am sticking to it thankfully. I think the problem may be that you are making the decisions to block his access to sites and he isn't. If he doesn't want to stop gambling, there is very little you can do to stop him i'm afraid - it needs to be his choice.

I don't go to GA, but i am at least committed to not gambling and to pay off my debts. For me i think the next big test will be to see if i start gambling again, even if it's poker freerolls which don't cost anything, once everything is paid off. I have a target right now, but after that - who knows.

Splitting up with you doesn't seem to have changed his mind so there is very little left you can say to persuade him. You could challenge him to play only poker freerolls to build up a bank to prove that he is good enough to go on the poker tour. This is by no means a solution, but it may stop him from depositing money he can't aford to lose.

Have you asked the basic questions about why he gambles and what he gets out of it? It may sound a bit strange, but i didn't have fun gambling. I did it because i was bored, then it became a habit. I played because i wanted to win money so i could do other things, but i had no idea what these other things were - still don't know what i would do if i had lots of time and money on my hands.

In the end it boils down to what he wants. Hopefully that'll be to keep the family together. If he is gambling because he wants to win back money, he should know by now that chasing losses is the sign of a weak gambler and is often a total waste of time. It may be an idea to try to get him focussed on his debts and the different ways he can save by paying less interest or charges. That would be a better addiction to have.

Hope things work out for you both.

riquelme

having a bad week. the OH is kickking off and blaming me, she cant stop thinking about what ive done. we spoke earlier and i reckon that if it wasnt for the kids i would be out. so im here for the kids - great. some relationship. ive been making a real effort the past 3 months to right wrongs and stop gambling ad also sort my debts out. not expecting a pat on the back. a little support or recognition would be nice, ive hurt her so much that im not sure it will be the same again.

not a good day, however bad i feel i still will not gamble today

stay strong folks