ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

cantcope

Hi all, hope we are all staying strong.

LIW, we all know exactly how you feel. When i first stopped I had nearly 20k of debt and had lost all my savings which were meant to be for a flat (could have bought the one i'm in now almost outright). It made me feel sick to the stomach thinking about it and seemed like a never ending battle.

But, with hard work and sheer determination, in less than 2 years I had paid my debt off and managed to get a mortgage again. It can be done. I had a lot of help, especially with my parents letting me move home for a year so i could clear my debt quicker. i sold things on ebay, did bootsales, had girls nights in rather than out.

It's easy to think that a bet will solve it all but believe us when we say it wont. Even if you have a winning streak, once you've accepted you have a problem it will inevitably end up a losing streak and you'll be in more debt than before.

I thought about a bet late on Friday night. The block of flats i live in was mobbed by a gang looking for someone and my front door was kicked and battered while i was inside for a few minutes (although it felt like forever). I was petrified even once the police turned up. My poor neighbour got bashed up and the cowards had ran off before the police could get them. The feelings i had made me want to hide away in that place that i know could take all the fear/worry away temporarily.
BUT, i know i have no control over it and love my life too much now to wreck it all for a moment of comfort that i know would end up making me feel 100 times worse than i did already.

please please stay strong and look at all the options for clearing your debt.
By not having a bet they might not clear quickly, however, they wont get any worse.

Just for today I will not gamble x

riquelme

cantcope - blimey i bet that was a bit scary, well done for staying strong, just keeping thinking about how your life would be if you be if you were gambling. a bloke in GA told us about how he had to sit through court whilst his daughetr gave evidence against 4 lads that had mollested his daughter in school. how he never jumped over the gate to get at them i dont know. it gave me strength in that if he can control himself in that situation (i have a daughter) then i can beat the urges to gamble.

life is war - i felt like you, but it gets easier , my gambling urges are getting less and less

stick at it everyone, life without gambling is so much better

just for today i will not gamble

TotallyBroke

Well it's all going wrong and I don't know what to do. It's like I have jinxed myself, like I have bad luck around me.

One of my last posts said that OH had not gambled from my account. Well what did I find yesterday 4 transactions totalling £70 to Aquapay. F***ing gambling.
He's off work this week on annual leave and is finishing off the sitting room and preparing to decorate DS's bedroom for Christmas. But he gambled on Tuesday of last week when he took time off to look after our SICK DS.
I'm angry because he gambled, furious that he used my details again and cannot describe how i feel about him ignoring ds while he is sick to bloody sit on the computer to gamble.
This morning £250 has gone into account because he won! But when I ring him to say what will we do with the spare money he informs me another £100 will be coming out of my account. !!!!!!:eek: He's told me I can keep the cash (like that makes it all better:rolleyes: ) but it's dirty money. Don't get me wrong we need it and will make our dfw date sooner (if we stay together) but it feels dirty and wrong.
I've told him that if anymore money leaves my account he can stop doing the decorating because I won't be able to afford it. I've also said that it will kick off big time. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants an easyish life so will ignore it until the next time. Another part of me wanted to get "verified by Visa" to refund the transactions (but then I wouldn't have got the winnings) meaning that he would be in serious trouble and things would be awkward for me.
Another part of me wants to hurt him. (I don't mean kill him). I want to scare him like I'm scared. But that just makes me a bully and if I did that then there would be no hope for us. I'm rambling now... thinking of thumb screws and such like.....
He has GA tonight and again my brain is telling me two different things. One part says he has to go on his own and do this his way. The other says I need to go and stand there and tell them all how he has gambled 3x since he's been going to GA in the hope they all hate him as well as me. But they won't will they, they may give a dissapproving look and say there there we have all slipped sometimes. I don't want that, I want a big chart on the wall that has stickers for good behaviour and big black X's for bad, get two big X's and you have to sit in the naughty corner with a big hat on. But that's the bully in me rearing it's ugly head.

I want to cry but the saving grace is I'm at work and typing this on the quiet so can't really burst into tears.
Tonight while he is out the computer is getting locked. I gave him the option to choose not to gamble now that option is being taken away. If he does not like that option then he can leave for good. Miss walkallover mug has now just this second turned and it's my way or the gambling highway.

PS. It's been a while since any of you posted. I'm hoping that's because you are doing well and are not needing to talk.

GeorgeUK

So sorry to hear he's not taking this seriously TB.

Wish i could offer some advice, but there isn't really much you can do - it's all down to him and what he decides is the priority.

Is this a new account that he had never been able to use before?

Short of leaving some property brochures lying around and possibly threatening him with going to the police for theft, i can't think of what your options are. It's clear that he isn't changing his ways, but it may be worth seeing if you can attend a GA meeting if there is one that permits partners to attend. They may be able to advise of how to handle the situation or tell you more clearly what your options are.

If he continues to gamble, do you intend to stay with him? Will you be able to?

Really hope this works out for you.

riquelme

oh no, just what i had been fearing TB. Was hoping that it had worked out for you. unfortunately it hasnt.

the nasty feelings that you have are normal believe me ive been told what could have been done to me by my OH. i too dont know what to say except that he probably thinks you are issuing idle threats that you wont leave him and you dont mean anything you say.
the time will come when you do have to act and so will he hopefully

i suppose he needs to realise its the family or gambling, like you say.

best wishes

TotallyBroke

Thanks to you both.

George it's my original bank account that I have had for the past 18years. I'm not in the position to open another account anywhere apart from a basic cashcard account due to my own bad credit history. I've changed the card on numerous occassions but it's not difficult to find it in my purse and make a note of it if he really wanted to. Plus I don't see why I should. I've made loads of sacrifices and excuses for his behaviour.

I cannot stay with him if he continues to gamble. I will lose everything. I kicked him out in September because of the gambling and I thought since he had come back he had changed. But it lasted a month. When I did ask him to leave before, things turned nasty and the police got involved. I can't bear for that to happen again. I would also struggle to keep the roof over our heads (mine and ds) while having the debts to be paid off.

That's what p***es me off so much. He knows that I would have to sell up and live with my parents and the way he behaves with his other child I'd get no help from him. Plus I'd have to pay all the debts that are due to his gambling.

God what am I doing? As I'm writing this I'm thinking what a stupid cow. If this was somebody else writing this I'd be saying in my head bloody kick him out and then trying to write something in a nice way or not writing anything at all. But it's not someone else it's ME and my family and most of the time the heart rules the head.

It's a shame that GA meetings do not have phone numbers to ring up about open meetings and it's no point in asking him because he'll probably just say they don't.

cantcope

Hi TB, really sorry to hear your news. I hope you manage to get the block on the computer tonight.
Does your OH realise he has stolen from you?! who gives a fig if he won?! he has stolen, AGAIN. its easy for me to say because i dont love him but i'd be tempted to stick his bags outside the front door and change the locks. Otherwise i'm afraid he will never learn his lesson.

You gave him a chance and he blew it within weeks.
GA is not working for him because he doesnt want to stop.
GA will never fail somebody, but somebody can fail GA.

I have a spare book if you'd like me to send it to you? It might be of some use or comfort to you so that you can see what he should be doing to stop. just drop me a pm.

Regarding getting no help from him if he leaves, what sort of help are you getting now? sleepless nights? stress and worry? your child being ignored when he's poorly. The csa is there to help you shoudl you need it.

Keep strong xxxxx

TotallyBroke

Thank you cantcope. You've made me bawl my eyes out but I genuinely mean Thanks.

I'm still at work almost 12 hours now but the chance of overtime came up and I honestly couldn't refuse it. I may need every penny) He will be leaving for GA in about 5mins. My sister has gone round to look after ds until I get home.

I just don't know what to do or how to go about it.

cantcope

Hi TB, i'm really sorry i made you cry, that wasnt my intention but i hope you feel a bit better. Sometimes its good to get it out.

I have to say from experience in the meetings when people steal and lie to their OH's it doesnt seem to be a personal thing. When the urge to gamble takes hold nothing else matters even if when the urge isnt there the ones you loved are the most important things in your life.
You will do anything for a bet without any thought of the consequences until afterwards.

Your OH has an illness/addiction and i'm certain he loves you and your son but until he accepts that he is powerless over gambling and accepts the fact that it is a progressive illness and has a desire to get well nothing will help.

If you need any help getting the block on the computer let us all know. Can your sister put it on for you while she's at yours? She needs to clear all cookies and browsing history before she installs it.

Take care xxxxx (sending you a really big hug)

joebob88

I think i'm becoming addicted to online bingo and casinos. i have'nt run up any debts but have just had my debit card rejected and I've spent all my earnings. My husband doesn't know I do it and I want to try and get back on track myself.

I started off doing bingo and then i discovered roulette and for a while I was winning but I think i've played over and above any winnings I may have had.

Any advice?

Thanks