ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

alfred64

Agree. It is a good post, maybe his only post - but it is Dostoyevskyic in his explanation of the mind and thinking of the compulsive/addictive gambler and the pressure and stresses of such an existence.
Good luck to almost there. Lets hope he will eventually get there.

andrea40

Trying to look at it from a partners point view but struggling, My hubby has gambled for yrs since I met him (only I didn't know at the time how bad), he's used my cards in my name, spent on visa's in his own name built up bad debt,
We are now on our fourth or fifth time of I am sorry, he actually went to GA which lasted a couple of weeks, and I am convinced he is gambling again now, as he had a blip as he calls it last week and didn't go over the top and actually banked what he won which is a first, but then I feel like I am condoning what he is doing when I spend the money on bills,
I know people will say leave but I have nowhere to go 3 children and loads of bills and can't afford to leave, but I can't put up with his moods everything is my fault, I'm controlling according to him all these mood changes are to do with gambling. Has anybody any advice on how best to approach him or deal with it, Feel like I have finally reached the end of our marriage,
Sorry to rant and probably not the right page either!!!

riquelme

hi andrea, youre on the right page and thanks for that its important for gamblers to realise what they put their other halves through.

Youve got some big choices to make, maybe your husband needs to realise that youre serious about not wanting him to gamble. I wouldnt want to see a family get broke up like mine has but at some stage you need to look after yourself and the kids. Sounds like he' getting away with doing what he ;likes because he knows he can.
Its not your fault, none of it is, its his fault.

keep posting there will be others along soon to offer words im sure. x

cantcope

Hi Andrea,

Hopefully some others partners will show up on the thread soon to help you out more. They are here.
As a compulsive gambler, and a female one who DIDNT hurt a family, partner etc i can sort of sympathise as there is no way i'd put up with that from my partner. However, If you love him then he has to realise this is his LAST chance.

Puts blocks on all of your pc's, get in touch with GA, a lot of meetings have meetings for OH's too. Did he stop going? did he think he was cured? GA is not a cure, its a way of life, without gambling. It's about honesty, making amends and most importantly changing as a person from someone who seems to not give 2 hoots about their friends family and becoming a better person, or the one they were before the gambling. It's not a quick fix.

If he was doing it properly, he would have NO access to money, NO access to online gambling and would be going to at least one meeting a week. If he wasnt doing this and you didnt have control of the finances then he never really wanted to change. This isnt uncommon. It's difficult to admit you aren't in control even if you know it so a lot of people take time in coming to that point.

Have a read on the GA website. I can assure you that the person you fell in love with is more than likely still there, they just got caught up in this nasty addiction and cant get out. I dont really know what else to say sorry. If you really cant take it anymore then by all means leave. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and dont deserve this treatment. A blip, sorry, that means he's gambling. I dont care if he banked the winnings, how much did it cost him to "win"? You are right to use it to cover bills as these should have been covered in the first place. This doesnt mean you condone it, you are looking after your family.

well seems i did know what to say. Anyway, time to get to work. Try and have a good day. xx Speak to your husband, pack his bags if it means he'll take you seriously x

andrea40

Thankyou for you replies, I have control of the money but he still has 2 visa's in his name both at there limit, but we have been paying them off for a few months so I know there will be credit on them again!! Will just have to wait for the bills next month to see if they have been used, as the payments will go up if they have then make some decisions going forward xx

cantcope

Have you asked him if he has used them? i'm guessing he could use them online if you have the cards? if this is the case get k9 on your computers so that he cannot gamble online. its free and you choose the password. My dad came over and did mine for me.
If he does have the cards take them off him now x

Jimby509

Hi there Andrea. Well done for your post!

I am very sorry that you are experiencing this. Gambling is an adiction; like any other adiction there are many potential side afects (e.g. Mood swings (depending on a big win or a big loss))

It sounds as though your huspand is totaly consumed by his adiction and its efects. Sadly it seems as though you are bearing the brunt of these efect as well.

Noone can tell you your marriage is over except yourself. In answer to your question.....

Has anybody any advice on how best to approach him or deal with it, Feel like I have finally reached the end of our marriage

Choose a good time to tell him exactly what is on your mind and the way his behaviour afects the ones he loves. If you can't face this write him a letter, this has the bonus that you can choose your words carefully. Tell him how is behaviour afects you and what you are willing to do to help and what will happen if things dont change.

Also I would read up on the nature of adiction. cantcope has some good advise in the post above, he has to want to get better and HAS to show you the behaviour that demonstrates this. Once an adict allways an adict, is goal has to be total abstinance from gambling.

Please let us know how this goes? All the best, J

GeorgeUK

Hi Andrea, i'm almost out of debt now but you may have read my post at the start of this thread. I was using gambling as a crutch and it wasn't until i looked at why and when i gambled that i could deal with the underlying problems and then tackle the gambling problem. I fell off the wagon too as i hadn't fully grasped the concept that this gambling problem will probably be with me for life.

When i was bored, i gambled, depressed, stressed - i thought i was gambling so that i could win money. If you asked me how much i would need to win before i stopped gambling, i could probably come up with a figure. If i was being brutally honest, i would then agree that if someone gave me that amount or i won it, the chances of me never gambling again were zero. There is no magic number that i could reach where i would think - right that's it. I don't need to do this any more. When i won it was a feeling of actually achieving something that i probably didn't want to lose.

I was lucky in that i didn't have a partner that i could hurt with this, but i did hurt my folks through it - they were so disappointed and even helped loan me some of their savings. What would you do if your husband was taking drugs? I know that it sounds so different, but it's still an addiction. I had dreams about gambling when i stopped, when out walking i was very aware of where the fruit machines were and was so distracted - there is an actual withdrawal from this. Nowhere near as bad as drugs, but it does take it's toll on you mentally. You just need to stick with it. If you talk to your husband about this stuff, don't let him tell you what he thinks you want to hear - it can be hellish and if you ask how he's coping - fine just isn't cutting it. It does help to talk about it - even if it's just to help get things straight in your head.

Some people go to GA - i didn't but getting it all down here helped me when i was struggling. I still sometimes think about gambling but i need to assume i've got the problem for life and need to avoid gambling for life. One of the things i've noticed is that my patience levels have really dropped - this may be related to my stress but i'm sure part of it is related to the gambling.

I really hope both you and your husband are able to get through this and that he isn't gambling. If he's serious about stopping, he can do it - the question is whether he wants to or if he can't see this as anything more than a financial problem.

good luck
George

cantcope

Morning all,
George, picked up on something you said that has been mentioned in my meetings before.
Patience levels dropped. A few people thought this was because when they gambled they lost the passion for anything other than gambling. Now they have stopped they care more and therefore lose their patience now and again.

I was the opposite and while i was gambling was very impatient. i wanted everything, NOW and if i didnt get it i was a moody old cow. My hubby would probably tell you i'm still the same but i'm working on being more patient

was just food for thought x

andrea40

Thanks once again for all your support, He has no patience when he is gambling his whole focus is on the computer, and there is no talking to him, yesterday I needed him to take me to the garage to pick up our car but that caused a whole row, as he had money for petrol but i'm convinced he didn't put it in and spent it in the bookies, and if I had got in the car I would see that he had no petrol in it!!! So in the end I had to get my friend to take me, and if you ask him is he gambling it causes a row, in fact if you just speak to him it causes a row,
So in fact I have just answered my own question he is gambling, cause of his personality change,
This is a horrible addiction that consumes people and because its so easily available where ever you are its harder for people to stop, I know he can if he wants to, as he has done before but I don't think he wants to this time.