Housing for pregnant 17 year old

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my little for what its worth, i got pregnant at 19 and i was ont he pill which for some reason decided not to work, my then boyfriend at the time decided to go to france for the day and ended up in jail, i thought he was a nice person but obviously was wrong there and we split up from then on i carried on working and lived at my mum and dads till my son was just over a yr then the council offered me a place, it was a struggle but i always worked and eventually managed to buy my council place, i also went to college as well, since then i have met a wonderful guy and we have another son together and have moved somewhere else and bought another place together, my flat i now rent out to a single mum on housing benefits and will keep it like this for as long as she needs it, it was very hard work doing it on my own financly but i have a great family and all the emotional support i could of wished for, it is hard work having children but just because your young doesnt mean you cant make something of yourself, im now 29 i have two great kids a great partner (we are getting married in a couple of weeks too) and two properties through sheer hard work

mishmash

Just because the OP's daughter is young-it does not follow that she will be a bad Mum. In fact there was a really interesting article (Ithink in the Times) not too long ago that looked at the reseach. Some of it was in America but it compared girls who had not had children young, who had miscarried young and those who had had a child. The girls with children years later had normally done the best interms of employment and lifestyle. There was also research into parenting capacity, it was found that young mothers often do not place the same high expectations on their child that are unrealisitic (ie wanting them to be the best in the class) they spend more time with their little ones (not in nursery or sent to lots of extra curricular stuff) and are ggiven more unconditional love. The mothers do not see thier child as much of a burden as older ones who have more to sacrifice. That's my recollection of the article.

I found it really intersting as anecdotally I have seen the same thing, I had my children very young (17 when I fell pregnant with the twins), I goot all the kind of comments I am reading on here. I went back to college then uni and now I have a ver ygood job. I have also done and still do lots of voluntary work.

I know there are some workless families who are like that for generations, and that there are some girls who get pregnant as an lifestyle option. But in my experience most women (or people generally) find themselves in need of help from the state at a certain time in their life for a certain period. While as a social worker I met lots of those who see the state as owing them-in my day to day life I have met many more people like me over the years, who found themselves needing some help and then went on to education and good jobs.

If we do not prioritise social housing for our most vulnerable (children) who do we give it to? Children would not be on the street, they would have to be placed in care. Financially this would be at a much greater cost and the outcomes much worse.

The OP's daughter has found herself in a position that many others have, she is not the first and will not be the last. But with the help and support of her family (and or her partner) she may well be a fantastic mother whose child is an asset to the community. My kids do voluntary work in the community are doing well at school (daughter is head girl) have never brought any trouble home. I am often told that they are an assett to me and they all have little part time jobs as I have installed a work ethic.

I wish the OP's daughter and all the family luck.

Mish

dedward67

carolt wrote: »

bubblesmoney's advice re getting the prospective son-in-law to really look HARD to find a job and earn his keep sounds sensible.

If he really wants a job - any job - he'll find one. No reason why your daughter can't be doing something useful now either - she's only pregnant! I worked till 8.5 months pregnant with both my first two - unless there's a real health issue, or the work involves healthy lifting, pregnant women can do most jobs as well as anyone. Temp agencies had no problem employing me as long as I wanted to work when I came back to the UK pregnant with my first child.

Daughter was planning on going back to college in September to try to better herself (pre-pregnancy) and at the moment, really still wants to do this. As parents we are finding this difficult. As you say, we too think he should just get of his butt and get a job and support her. We spoke to them both last night following the council interview. He claims all the factories round our way employ agencies of mainly "multi cultural" workers, so they increase/decrease staff as required. He has no special qualifications (just gcse) and can't drive and as he has a stutter, no customer service work would be any good. He claims that minimum wage jobs would actually make him worse off than the dole as he'd be responsible for paying all the rent and council tax on a private dwelling, which he couldn't afford. Apparently they've put her on the list for a young mother's house, run by a local church. Once you're in there, it's the half way house before finding you a council place (so she was told). They are still insistent they're getting married the end of October and registry office has been booked and £60 deposit paid. In theory they could start off married life with her in a young mother's house and him in his digs!

We were both v. annoyed this had happened in the first place and not the way you plan for your daughter to start out. We wanted what every parent wants, daughter to meet a guy with at least some prospects and a house of some sort, to get married and a few years later to hear the patter of tiny feet. Unfortunately life doesn't work like that!! Wife has understandably been v. down over it all, particularly seeing her/our daughter going through all the pain of pregnancy (constant morning sickness), but can't turn back the clock, so we've just got to try to deal with this the best we can!!

dedward67

Kavanne wrote: »

Oh yeah OP I forgot to say, I have had Implanon (the contraceptive implant, the rod one in my arm) for 2.5 years now and have found it very effective (obviously lol). I think your daughter needs to seriously consider this method of contraception once the baby is born.

Yes, totally agree, my wife and I have both said this to her. No way she wants to be in the same position in 2 years time. The method they used may be free from the clinic, but clearly not that effective. We had warned her on numerous occasions and she'd already had a few scares. Teenagers just seem to think it won't happen to them!! Unfortunately it does!

LillyJ

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

lostinrates wrote: »

The percentage figures aren't on a per-shag basis! They are based on the number of sexually-active women using that form of contraception who get pregnant in a year.

It looked like that quote came from me, it didn't!

It is per hundred women years - ie if 100 women use that form of contraception for a year x number will become pregnant.

If you think of it another way - if a group of 5 friends use contraception over their reproductive life (for easy maths 20-40), then 1 will become pregnant accidentally during that time. Mulitply that by all the women you know and it is easy to see how common it is!

dedward67

bubblesmoney wrote: »

Last but not the least, I empathise with your situation, it must come as a shock to any parent and must be very hard to deal with. Make sure this daughter doesn’t become a role model for the younger daughter. Otherwise you will soon have another pregnant teenager waiting to get council housing. Not a nice situation to be in. best of luck

Fortunately, it's had the very opposite effect. Our 14 year old daughter is furious and can't believe her sister's stupidity and is still barely speaking to oldest daughter's b/f.

LillyJ

dedward67 wrote: »

Yes, totally agree, my wife and I have both said this to her. No way she wants to be in the same position in 2 years time. The method they used may be free from the clinic, but clearly not that effective. We had warned her on numerous occasions and she'd already had a few scares. Teenagers just seem to think it won't happen to them!! Unfortunately it does!

She needs to discuss this with a family planning clinic or her GP rather than taking anyone else's advice as to what they consider to be the best - the choice is based on many factors and none of us can know these without knowing and talking to your daughter and knowing her medical history, weight, smoking status etc etc.

brownbabygirl

Kavanne wrote: »

Oh yeah OP I forgot to say, I have had Implanon (the contraceptive implant, the rod one in my arm) for 2.5 years now and have found it very effective (obviously lol). I think your daughter needs to seriously consider this method of contraception once the baby is born.

Teens tend to be veryy fertile. I would have recommended the double barrier contraception or at least 2 forms of contraception:j. relying on ONE method just isn't good enough.

barnaby-bear

dedward67 wrote: »

Daughter was planning on going back to college in September to try to better herself (pre-pregnancy) and at the moment, really still wants to do this. As parents we are finding this difficult. As you say, we too think he should just get of his butt and get a job and support her. We spoke to them both last night following the council interview. He claims all the factories round our way employ agencies of mainly "multi cultural" workers, so they increase/decrease staff as required. He has no special qualifications (just gcse) and can't drive and as he has a stutter, no customer service work would be any good. He claims that minimum wage jobs would actually make him worse off than the dole as he'd be responsible for paying all the rent and council tax on a private dwelling, which he couldn't afford.

Plenty of people pay for a room in a shared house on minimum wage (I've done it not even working full time), but if that's really the case volunteering won't affect benefits:
http://www.volunteering.org.uk/
To be honest without qualifications/experience etc he is looking at minimum wage as he has essentially the minimum to offer but it's like the church hostel a foot in the door, min. wage jobs lead onto team supervisor jobs, then lower management ones etc... what on earth does he spend his days doing. If your daughter does want to carry on at college then he could at least provide childcare for her to do so....

barnaby-bear

brownbabygirl wrote: »

Teens tend to be veryy fertile. I would have recommended the double barrier contraception or at least 2 forms of contraception:j. relying on ONE method just isn't good enough.

I imagine 4 months of less than ideal accommodation, sleepless nights and the BF hanging around all day with little money will provide the ultimate future contraceptive....