Marriage over don't know where to start

scottishfreebiehunter

gerturdeanna wrote: »

But none of us thought they would do it in the first place!!

Yip me especially as my oh was the ideal family man and superb daddy and he is not a complete t w a n k e r

oz_valdo my oh hopes to do that though not sure I can manage

supersavershal

Glad you had a good day Kizzy,
About this "call me if you need anything", what do you think he would do if you called him and said you needed your husband back??
Im not saying do it but its food for thought isnt it.I dont think he was trying to make you look like the one keeping him away in his comment to your daughter I think it was a comment made for you to comment back on, he probably expected you to say he is allowed home, men are funny creatures they never say what they want clearly and straight they play games and give innuendos it makes my head hurt thinking about it.
When we converse with men we should only allow them yes/no answers anything else is too confusing for them.

greeniegirl

Moodydonkey that exchange you mentioned is so funny and sad also.. what is she doing?? bet you're delighted you're free! what is with these women? before i would knowingly mess up a family!

think sunday can be a rotten day, day to try not to think too much sometimes.

I think you are doing well, just remember tis natural to feel low at times. I couldn't get out of bed for the first week, literally..

belfastgirl23

Hi Kizzy, I've been reading for a bit but not posting cos I wasn't sure what to say. The one thing I will say though is that the determination to make things work out is sort of a stage in the process. Eventually there comes a time when the pain of not knowing is worse than the thought of losing him. This is the time when everything shakes down, when you're able to tell him that if he needs to go he should go. At that stage he will either realise for the first time that he's losing you and shape up or he'll go. Either way it's nearly a relief to have it over with, at least at first. It's sort of like knowing someone you love is ill, at first you just want to hold onto them but by the end you just want the pain to be over if that makes sense.

Until you reach this stage though he doesn't have to make his mind up. Which is why he's giving out such mixed messages now. I'd guess he is having second thoughts but until either you or her force the issue he won't commit either way. I kind of think this sort of affair is the kind that a man has when he is an indecisive type - he wouldn't have sought it out but he didn't fight it off either. And being away from home took away the moral compass he normally would have had. Which is why I think he won't finally figure out what he wants till he sees the choice being taken away from him.

Don't underestimate too how hard it is to forgive. Or maybe it's easy to forgive but very very difficult to forget. I think from reading your posts that you probably have enough determination to work it through but it's incredibly painful for a long time.

Reading your posts brings back some distant but still very painful memories for me, as I'm sure they do for others as well. I'm not sure if what I'm saying helps at all, just wanted to give you a different point of view.

This time next year, one way or another you will feel an awful lot better. Think back to this time last year, how it hardly seems any time away at all. This time will also pass. And you and the children will survive and be happy. Hold onto this at the dark times.

And good luck.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks for your post belfastgirl, it was very interesting, yes he is indecisive, yes I probably will get to a stage where he will have to make a decision, although he has already said he loves her & we're over, so he has really.
Just don't think he's coming around JUST to see the kids!
Yes it will be hard to forgive but it will be harder to be without him
Last yeaar was pants, I was probably a miserable old cow, because my mum died end of march so was looking after the kids on my own ( sort of, a bit like now, couldn't really cope ) & grieving

kizzykizzywizzy

supersavershal wrote: »

Glad you had a good day Kizzy,
About this "call me if you need anything", what do you think he would do if you called him and said you needed your husband back??
Im not saying do it but its food for thought isnt it.I dont think he was trying to make you look like the one keeping him away in his comment to your daughter I think it was a comment made for you to comment back on, he probably expected you to say he is allowed home, men are funny creatures they never say what they want clearly and straight they play games and give innuendos it makes my head hurt thinking about it.
When we converse with men we should only allow them yes/no answers anything else is too confusing for them.

I didn't hear any of the comments, my DD told me what he'd said, she's only 7, so not sure how accurate they are!

belfastgirl23

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Thanks for your post belfastgirl, it was very interesting, yes he is indecisive, yes I probably will get to a stage where he will have to make a decision, although he has already said he loves her & we're over, so he has really.
Just don't think he's coming around JUST to see the kids!

I don't think he's decided in his heart. It was probably easy to make this 'decision' when he wasn't with you and the kids and then he was trying to follow through on it but it just wasn't all as simple when he got home and realised what he was actually giving up. And if he's like most men it would be much easier to try to persuade himself that he doesn't love you any more than to face up to the mess he's made and try to fix it. I think you're playing it pretty cool right now and that's probably the right thing to do. Anyway unfortunately all you can do is go with your own gut feelings whether they are right or wrong....

I suspect I will be officially in a man hating mood for the rest of the eventing ...

kizzykizzywizzy

Juneno wrote: »

Good for you! It's important to show him that you're starting to see life as an independent woman. Then, when he realises that he's made a huge mistake, you'll have the upperhand and the moral high ground - always!
After all, he's only been with this 'oerson' on the ship - he hasn't yet had to put up with her in the longer term (if that ever happ0ens anyway). I suspect that being back near you and the kids, he'll remember what he had and she won't seem so attractive anymore. Seems like he's had a holiday romance type of thing but he's a bloke, so can't distinguish between that and reality!!

I hope I didn't offend you with my post - rellay didn't mean to 'cos I think you're doing amazingly well. Just that if you really mean it about trying again, then he has to see you won't be casting it up at every opportunity.

I wish you mega well in what you eventually decide to do and hope it all turns out how you want and for the best.
Cheers,
June x

No offence taken - yes I suppose it was a holiday romance, no stresses or anything of real life - back home it might not seem so exciting

moodydonkey

G girl is funny in a way but also sad that someone you loved turned out to be a tosspot. For the record tho me and ex are on speaking terms ( i told him if he ever bought her near me again i'd rip her head off)
But seriously the most important thing is the children, and they are MINE not HIS are ok and I know it has been said but honestly Kiz i have never ever been happier than I am on my own and thru this thread you have got stronger and stronger, like I said earlier start thinking as if you were on your own, if you get back together then that's great but start doing things for you and i'm sure you would be amazed at where you end up x

kizzykizzywizzy

Off to bed, hopefully I won't wake up at a stupid hour again:rolleyes:
To the rest of the girls going through this - sleep well hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for us all