Marriage over don't know where to start

scottishfreebiehunter

sparkle1 wrote: »

Hi there goinig through the same myself at the moment. 2 children 9 and 5 years old Husband moved out in July (the weekend my daughters appendix burst) I am with you all the way I am terrified about money, my mortgage comes out of penalties in February cant even think about that at the moment. I had been with my husband since I was 15 .....18 years in total take every day as it comes you are not responsible for this and although I firmly believe in the whole family thing my happy ever after just wasnt going to happen. I survived a holiday with my ex for a week and found that the kids benefited loads as the whole holiday revolved around what they wanted and good traditional sea side fun, burrying each other up to the neck in the sand, frisbee etc just kept away from the subject of 'us'

sorry to hear that sparkle and hope we can all get through this difficult timexxx
gerturdeanna can you not ask him to go as to difficult for you or will he just not go

SuziQ

Like all of you,my ex alternates between nasty and nice. I think this is partly as a way of trying to control me,but I also think their emotions go up and down in the same way that ours do! I go from dislike and anger to feeling sorry for my ex,whilst he goes from guilt and remorse=empty promises and apologies to attackisthebestformofdefence=threats and I am paying NOTHING.

I have reached the stage where I take it all with a pinch of salt and only believe any money that is placed in my hand (or pushed through the door in an envelope like I had last week.)
You younger girls need to think about the wonderful life that may be ahead of you with a new someonespecial.But be more careful in choosing than I was lol! as my current ex was my new someonespecial 8 years ago and boy did I jump out of the frying pan into the fire,choosing someone needy,disorgnised,a dreamer who promises the earth but fails to deliver (I also think he is still slightly in love with his ex wife). I am almost 50 and am quite happy to spend the rest of my life alone as I want control back in my life,after being lied to by both my husbands-perhaps it's something to do with me therefore and I would rather rely on myself in the future.
I just wish these blokes would think about what their lies and promises do to the kids in these situations-my daughter is 18 and hasn't had a boyfriend in 18 months as she is so put off by what has happened to me. I would hate to think of her staying on her own purely because I made bad choices (I'm hoping when she is off at Uni and well out of the situation that she can forget all the carp and have the life she wants.)

Anyway I came on here also to say to all those in the same situtaion as kizzy that you are all being strong for your children,well done for riding with the punches and try to do something entirely for yourself every day-whether it be a long soak in the bath,watching your fave tv programme,buying a little bunch of flowers,spending some time on a hobby or arranging child care and arranging a night out,even if it's only to the cinema. I can highly recommend Mamma Mia although 'slipping through my fingers' made me cry!!!!!

Have a lovely Sunday everyone.

SuziQ

gerturdeanna wrote: »

At the oment, I think the best thing would be for me and the kids to move to that council house - even if it is in a rubbish estate -we can always move later if its really bad! At least then we would get help with rent etc etc

I have never had any expereince of council houses,but realistically,how easy would it really be to move once you are on that estate? As you would no longer be priority? Probably your best bet would be a mutual swap but is anyone going to want to swap to live there if it's as bad as you say?
Have you taken a look over there,perhaps spoken to the neighbours to see the reality of it? It could actually be a very nice part of the estate with caring supportive neighbours.

I really hope you can sort this out. I am in a dillema as well.
I owned my house for 20 years and had a very low mortgage and lot of equity when I met my current husband. There is less equity now due to deterioration in the property and increase in mortage but I reckon I still have probably 90-100k equity. I can't sell due to a loan he took on the property,and even if I did the rent around here is minimum £950 a month as aopposed to my £600 mortgage.Obviously I would have to use my equity to support us completely as we would be entitled to no benefits. Everything hinges really on major surgery I am waiting on,as I can't really apply for refresher courses or jobs until the surgery and recovery is out of the way. Why is life so darned complicated!!!!!!!!!

Is there any equity in your house that could be realised and split btween you? I do think the rules re housing benefit excluding mortgages are unrealistic in todays climate,as you and I could both stay in our homes with help for the mortgage at less cost to the taxpayer than if we end up in b&b or other emergency housing.

gerturdeanna

I'm going to have a look at the place tomorrow - if it is that bad, then I'llhave to rethink the plans. There is about £30k equity in the house - but thats tied up with charging orders on the house which get priority obv.

scottishfreebiehunter

gerturdeanna wrote: »

I'm going to have a look at the place tomorrow - if it is that bad, then I'llhave to rethink the plans. There is about £30k equity in the house - but thats tied up with charging orders on the house which get priority obv.

Have to stop having glasses of wine,yes yes not right and no good I know


Hope you go and see the house tomorrow and check out the neighbours,lawns and how well kept gardens are etc as bizarre as that may sound it shows people care about property etc

scottishfreebiehunter

My husband was full of it last week now saying he doesnt love her but staying there for the tranquility:rolleyes::mad: so basically just using her
well well Lawyer tomorrow and will sort things out for me and ds to live as best we can and if he is going to help them so be it
It is all getting very bizarre

kimlisa66

greeniegirl wrote: »

Kizzy,
just wondering if you've tried to access an itemised printout for his phone form the phone company. Then you could monitor his contact with her - is the phone registrered in his name?i wonder would you be able to access it, being his wife. i know you said it was a pay as you go phone but no harm enquiring. Information is power as they say!

best of luck with your decision, really hope it works out for you.I've been reading through the threads and I can't believe the level of support and kindness of people out there! I just wish I'd known about this site earlier. I'll be thinking of you.

A phone company would not give details of anyone elses phone usage to someone else, its called breaching the data protection act !

However, this is exactly how I found my husband was cheating. He has a contract phone with T mobile and so do I. You can set up an online account to monitor spending, calls etc. He hadnt set up an online account so I did it for him, registered to an email address of his that I knew the password for.

It is not an easy thing to do, need all sorts of security information but I did it, and lo and behold. there was 30 pages of texts and calls to sift through.

Highly illegal i know, but it gave me the evidence i needed to confront the lying cheating t***t.

Hope things are better today for you Kizzy x

gerturdeanna

How long ago was this KimLisa - have you moved on with your lfie now? Was it really hard to do?

kimlisa66

Hiya

It was last October, I was completely traumatised, couldn't believe it. The hardest thing for me was that my husband constantly lied about everything. He denied he was having a fling, even though I had the proof. He then fed a pack of lies about me to his family and friends to minimise his guilt...they still don't know the true reason he left us, they have been convinced that I was the evil !!!!! from hell and that's why he left. I now have nothing to do with any of his family or people I thought were my friends. I have moved on to find new friends and I have a great social life now.

Im still pretty scarred by the whole episode, but the problem is letting go. I see him most days, he works for my brother in the family business, my middle son works for him too.

He pays the mortgage on the property as I would struggle to do it but I pay everything else.

In a way I am still dependent on him but I would rather be that then be forced to go on benefit and move to some dreadful council estate and subject my daughter to the loss of her friends, school etc. There are some really awful estates in the city where I live, and im digging my heels in to stay where we are as long as possible.

Kim x

gerturdeanna

I don't really want to go to a council estate but I ca't trust him when he says he'll pay the mortgage. He says he's legally obliged to do so, don't trust him though. Am going to speak to my solicitor tomorrow.