Marriage over don't know where to start

Skint_Lynne

Hi Kizzy,

I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in, it's a real shame. I had a similar shock about 2 years ago. My DH works away from home all the time and he came home for christmas. He behaved really oddly the whole time, we went abroad for a week's holiday during this time as well, and he was a right !!!!!! over there as well, he ruined it.

I went to work the day before he was meant to go back to work and when I came home, his bags were packed. I asked him if he was getting organised early and he told me he was leaving. I asked if he was going for an earlier flight, he told me again, he was leaving and not coming back, he did not love me anymore.

I was knocked out cold, I could not believe it. I had a right ding dong with him, accused him of having a bit on the side, you can catch the drift I guess.

Anyway, he went and left me in bits. I told my family and inlaws and they were as much in the dark as I was. My father in law (His dad) gave me some advice I think you should follow, you will know why later...........

Do not speak to him, do not contact him, do not chase him, let him do the running. If he phones and he is drunk, put the phone down. He has told you he does not want you, so you don't want him either............

At that time, this man was my boyfriend, I am now married to him. To this day, he cannot tell me why he done this stupid stupid thing, he has assured me no-one else was involved. I will never know. But what I have learned is this, let your man go and sit alone somewhere, that will make him learn what he has potentially lost, a fantastic family and a fantastic woman, he may not get that again. It took my DH 2 weeks to get in touch, the worst of my life, but please get him out of the house and let him go and realise what he is doing. Your situation is different because you have kids, arrange for him to see them through a 3rd party, because you should not have contact with him for a while.

My DH still works away, but there is a difference now. He calls as often as he can and comes back as often as he can as well, but the conversations are different and he is always telling me that he loves me.

This is my personal story, but when I read this today it sounded very much the same. Your man is going through a funny time, but you need to act to make him realise that you won't be hanging about waiting for him to make his mind up. The tough stance might work out for you.

Take care, I don't know you but my heart goes out to you and your wee ones. I do understand what you are going through.

SL xx

beanielou

Sorry to hear your news kizzy.
Hope it works out as you want.
Take care.

Karmacat

Hello kizzy, I'm a first time poster on any thread of yours, but I've seen your name, of course, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've never been remotely in this situation (marriage or kids, let alone my partner of so many years leaving!) so I have no actual advice, but as others have said couldn't just read and run.

Seems to me that lots of posters on here have said some important things, but they don't all mean the same thing - its only you that can decide what path thats right for you.

I do think that whatever the route you choose, counselling, or at least mediation, is going to be helpful - and if he does agree, and you can't get an *immediate* referral to Relate, then go private, its worth it. I also agree with the posters who are saying that children pick up that something is wrong - you may not notice now, and I'm sure they wouldn't be able to verbalise it, but it does seem to happen.

Thats all really - counselling, yes the kids will sense something is up. And sleep! Sleep is a good thing, seriously, you need it not only in the normal sense that everyone does every day, but to help you keep your emotional balance.

All the best.

skint_spice

Kizzy I totally agree with Karmacat, if OH will agree to counselling get him down there even if you have to pay out. I hope things work out for you but you are a strong person and even if they don't you'll cope. I liked your flippancy earlier - you need to laugh when life carps on you or else you crumble. x

SouthernSoftie

So sorry to be reading this, it's never nice.
Hun, I don't know you on here so won't get into the personal bits, a lot of good advice has already been given.
What I will say is get a good solicitor. What made me say that? My Mum and Dad split when I was 3, he 'left' when she found out he was seeing someone else. The bit that got to me in your first post was when you said that he wants you to have the house. That's exactly what my dad said to my Mum, and she did live there with me forever after. He didn't pay any maintenance to the house and because he 'gave' her the house paid lower maintennace, which Mum had to fight for.
What he didn't do was get the house sorted properly into her name, she trusted that he had done it.
Hence when 10 years later he went bankrupt they put a charging order on it unbeknown to her.... yes surprisingly she didn't have to be told!
We only found out when she went to move 4 years ago, almost 30 years after her divorce, and find that actually the house should've been sold when I left school at 18. But as she didn't know that and apparently no one from the OR keeps tabs on these things it obviously didn't happen. But it did mean she lost most of her house to the OR.... even though his bankruptcy was discharged years ago and now has tonnes more than her.

Sorry to ramble, but just wanted you to make sure, if things don't work out that a good solicitor gets things all tied up legally to protect you and your children.
We're all here to listen whenever you want.

GirlRacer_2

Hi Kizzy, hope your feeling better today hun. My husband up and leftme some 6 years ago. I had absolutely no idea it was going to happen and I was totally shell shocked. I had 2 children one age 3 and one age 6 and I didn't know how I was going to cope. I understand what Skint Lynne is saying to you - let him go but please don't put your life on hold waiting for him.

I was married to my husband for 9 years and he left me for a woman 20 years older than me and everytime I see him he looks as miserable as sin. You will get through this and if you feel like crying then cry.

If you think there is a chance encourage him to go for counselling, it could either make or break the situation. If nobody else is involved it could be a positive step for both of you.

Whatever you do keep posting and updating us on your situation so you can at least let off somesteam to your cyber buddies.

Good luck xxx

Karmacat

Hi Kizzy

Just checking in to see how you are.

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi just a quick update.
We went to the day out yesterday, son was sick in the car, luckily I had a change of clothes for him, the kids went to the kids club whilst we looked around the ship, I started to feel unwell, but wasn't sure whether situation, lack of sleep as DS kept me up til 3am or had a bug. Walking along deck felt weird not holding hands told dh this he said do you want to hold my hand & I said IF YOU WANT TO & we did.
Had a nice meal, which of course I couldn't eat! Were supposed to go shopping afterwards, but I didn't feel well enough, he was in the front room looking miserable, I said are you Ok? he said yes & a tear went down his chek. I went to bed & got a few hours sleep. He slept in with DD last night as she wanted him to & keeps going on about daddy falling asleep on the sofa.
When they went to bed I kissed dh goodnight & said I love you ( a very nice peck), he replied I love you too.
Today made me breakfast, which I couldn't eat.
I said you ok, you should be happier now, he said no-one wins.
So that's how it is, no arguments

andan

kizzy, am trully shocked for you, so very sorry to hear your news. I know you had said in previous posts about him coming back from the secondment, this must have been terrible news to hear. Just wanting to send you my best wishes, can't begin to imagine how tough this must be for you. Do you feel that the time away has made him want a different sort of life?

Certainly with the amount of time that you two have been together, its worth trying to save the relationship. It certainly sounds like it needs more talking about, if only to perhaps help you understand the situation further.

If there is anything that any of us can do, just let us know.

Pollydaydream

Kizzy

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I second everything that Andan said - it may just be that you've both been so busy sorting other things out, you've lost sight of each other for a while and need some time to concentrate on your relationship again.

I hope everything works out for you and, like others have said, if you need to get anything off your chest, we're here .

Look after yourself.

Polly