Marriage over don't know where to start

wyebird

I think (from personal experience), if you embark upon a long term relationship at a very young age, you can get within sight of the big 40 and start to get resentful and discontented, even when you have no real reason to be.....With so much good history, you may well be able to come through this, although it will take time, but whatever you do need to take care of yourself and your children xx

GeorgeUK

Kizzy, so sorry to hear this. Not got any advice or insight, just lots of cuddles for you

I just hope that now he's back home he will see what he's been missing while he was away.

chevalier

hi there kizzy, I think that there are a lot of things going on in his head at the moment. And I agree with others that I seriously think that he is depressed.

BUT that does not mean that he can or should be allowed to dump his problems on you. So you are going to have to be hard now. Tell him that for his children's sake you are going to insist on going to relate. Remind him that failure to try is NOT going to look good if you have to get a court to agree custody arrangements.

And tell him that HE is going to have to leave AND HE is going to have to tell the children WHY he is leaving. You are not going to coat this pill for him.

Maybe a hard dose of reality might make him face up to the fact the he needs medical help to overcome how he is feeling, and that it is not just a 'mid life crisis'

sorry if this is harsh, but he is being incredibly selfish in dumping this on you when he knows how much you have gone through, and still are going through this year. He could have bit his tongue and bided his time, and let you sort out other things first.

I would also echo other posters who suggested that you get social services help for relatives. You CAN'T do it all on your own.
chev

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks for all the advice here.
He is not a bad person, or I wouldn't want to be with him. Though I'm not offended by anything that has been said at all, it's exactly the advise I'd give if it were someone else, but unfortunately it's me & this stupid love thing gets in the way of practicality.
Sorry I had to dash last night, but my Son was sick, had to change his bed & ended up sleeping in with him as he kept on waking up & calling out.
He's fine today.
I know everything that has been said is true, but I'm still in love with him, I don't want to hurt him & no I'm not going to help him find somewhere, although I did mention that he'd been a bit funny since he was back to his sister & she did say he could stay there if we needed a break. He asked if I'd help him find somewhere the other night, I said no.
So anyway, just putting on my glad rags, weighed myself this morning, I've lost half a stone since Saturday, along with the half a stone I lost when my Mum died - I'm looooking goooood:p 8 & a half stone, so something good has come out of it! ( sorry just being flippant )
Have a great day folks, I'm going to & I'm buying out Primark as need some pretty undies & shorts for my hols & my DD needs a few bits

racer256

Hi I have no advice but a HUGE HUG for you. My parents divorced when I was 11, I can imagine how you are felling. Chin up!

OberonSH

Morning Kiz,

First up I'm going to be a cow too and stand with Buffy - this man CANNOT come home, announce he's leavng you and then get upset when you start taking care of the practicalities - so what you've emailled mates telling them? He's the one who's decided to split! It seems to me that he wants the best of both worlds right now.

My ex told me over Xmas at his dad's that he was leaving, just to get his head together (must be a male thing - I know where my head is, always have, and it's all there) and then moomed around the house for 3 days basically wanting me to beg him to stay. Got a bit upset when I kept asking when he was going, as I had stuff to do.

I know it's the end of your world - in a very real way it is, it's a massive upheaval. Personally I'd ask him to leave. Take control of the situation, and tell him to go to his sisters, because I KNOW how hard it is with the person you love rejecting you right there in your face.

Moneywise, he seems to be very reasonable about it all, but make sure you get it in writing! It'll be very easy for things to get nasty if he changes his mind once he realises he was only trying to placate you.

Divorce doesn;t have to be very expensive, especially if it's amicable. Mine only cost the filing fees at the court (can't exactly remember what they were) as I made sure the ex signed everything and didn;t argue. Obviously having previously arranged childcare arrangements will really help. You will et a discount on your council tax, and as soon as he leaves you need to ancel any tax credit award and reapply on your own. Have his name taken off any bills and then have a good haircut and a makeover at a deprtment store.

Luckily my DD was only 8 months old, and I had a very good friend (who I since married!) to help me keep on an even keel. Don't forget that you are a worthwhle person - him deciding to leave is no reflection on you. You still rock as much as you ever did. He has the issues, not you.

Big hugs to you lady, you will get through this - I know it's a bit of a shock still, but don;t give him any quarter - he can't have his cake and eat it.

Lucifa73

Morning Kizzy,

Our paths haven't crossed before but I just wanted to send you a big hug.

My Dad did this to my Mum about 10 years ago nowin their 25th year of marriage. I think he'd hit a point with work and life where he just didn't know what was next and in his confusion decided he was out of love with Mum. He too offered to leave her everything and pay for it. Mum was understandably devastated but she made sure he moved out to give them both space but at the same time invited him over to have dinner with us. It amazes me to this day the courage and strength that must have taken.

I know you want to protect your children but believe me they will know something is up without you saying anything and the not knowing will scare them a lot more than a gentle version of the truth. From experience I would say he has to be gone once the kids know otherwise they will remain confused.

Not to give false hope but my Dad asked my Mum for a second chance after about a year and a brief affair with his secretary (how clich! is that!) and they are now better friends than ever and my Mum is a lot stronger for knowing that yes it hurts but she can do it on her own.

Dodgy hug time ! :grouphug:

Luc xxx

ANY_CHANCE

Oberon i think you have given some great advice there,

Hi Kizzy i am in similar situation as you, it s not an easy time is it.

I also worry about the children but someone said to me they also pick up on the atmosphere if you stay together and then they think it is the normal way to be, which is not good for them.

My OH has slept on the setee for 6 years - now to me that is not the kind of relationship i wanted when i got married at 20!

now in 34 he is 40 surely both of us deserve more out of life than just being parents.

Kizzy i think you should be strong for yourself and your kids you deserve more, your worth more why stay in a relationship where OH doesnt love you the way you need to be loved - lifes to short

whatever you decide to do i wish you all the best xxxxxx

taxi73

Sorry to hear that Kizzy..I'm also sending hugs and really don't have any answers but couldn't just read and run.
You have had so much to contend with both yourself and husband...he may be finding it hard to settle back in again as you have coped so well.I think Toto has it summed up perfectly in her two posts.
I also think theres a lot of truth in that he won't know what he's missing until he no longer has it.I think it's a good thing to stay at his sisters.At the end of the day he needs to know there is only two choices..to stay and work through it...OR...go to his sisters and let himself have time to think.
He really does sound depressed and unable to make his mind up as to what he wants.
It is totally unfair that he is putting you through this and please don't change for anybody as you are you and always stay true to yourself xxx take care xxx

ajbisgr8

Kizzy, I really feel for you hon, what a terrible situation to be in.

It seems to me you OH is behaving like a bit of a banker but you clearly have a lot of history together and with the kids, I'm sure it would be worth counselling if you can get him to go, even if it just helps him clarify what it is that he wants or you to get a bit of 'closure' (I hate that word).

I'm no expert on men, like yourself I've been with my OH since my schooldays, but playing devils advocate could it be because that you have coped so well in his absence be part of the problem - maybe he feels like he isn't really needed?

Whatever happens, you need to remember that kids are resilliant, my parents lived together but seperated for about 6 months but is was without doubt the worst six months of my life, everything seeming like normal on the outside but behind closed doors all the sniping, coldness and not talking about anything, so consider if a little bit of hurt now for the kids will save them a lot more in the long run. You also need to put yourself first for the moment, not your OH or the kids, your kids need one emotionally stable parent there for them so you do what you need to do to keep yourself together.

Best of luck Kizzy x x x