Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy

He's on the sofa

barnaby-bear

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

I just have so much to deal with, perhaps I haven't been my usual bubbly self. I certainly felt happier when he first came home until he kept rejecting me & then I got a bit grumpy & miserable again, this was when he said what he said.

A partnership is about sharing the sh1te, a fluffy housewife role is a myth..... this is about him not you - you can't control whatever his issues are and unfortunately you only have a choice as to how you deal with the fallout- it's not worth wasting energy looking for a way to blame yourself

Buffythedebtslayer

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

I did the eggshells bit for about a day!!
I'm me I can't change who/what I am, I don't think I'm a bad person, I like a laugh, I'm a bit down lately, really because of losing my mum, & with him being away & I cook my nans dinners for her & she's very demanding, my dad is severely depressed after his loss & keeps falling over where he's been drinking, I just have so much to deal with, perhaps I haven't been my usual bubbly self. I certainly felt happier when he first came home until he kept rejecting me & then I got a bit grumpy & miserable again, this was when he said what he said.

you know what that is, that is life. he should be able to understand that. My God you have dealt with and are dealing with some of the hardest things that happen to a person and he swans back feeling bloody sorry for himself.

sorry if I am being out of order. It just makes me mad. who wouldn't get grumpy and upset if being rejected.

You keep being you and I hope the sofa is uncomfortable.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Poppy9

You can cope. You've been living alone for the last 4 1/2 months like a single parent.

Does he intend to continue working away? If so how often does he plan on visiting his children. It's not really fair on any of you if he only sees them 3 or 4 times a year. You need a break from being a full time lone parent.

Financially you should be entitled to tax credits, look up entitled to for an estimate.

moggylover

Christ - what a horrible situation.

TBH it does sound as if he is depressed - and I eally do think that maybe what Toto suggested about a short break from being in the same house, and maybe discussing the situation in an "away from the war zone" spot might help.

I suffer badly from depression myself, and it can make everything feel so bleak and hopeless that you want to walk away - but that doesn't make you feel any better either - and part of me says that this is what is going on with your OH at the present. I say that because he doesn't seem to have cheered up after getting it off his chest. Also, cos I think he probably would have gone to stay elsewhere straight after his announcement if he were sure of his decision.

Having said all that, if he will not go to counselling, or the doctor, there is little you can do other than find out exactly where you stand if it does come to divorce, and then wait and see.

Feel so sad for you having to be the one point of support for everyone else at the moment. At least you have us on here as support - and I know that isn't much - but at least we WANT to be here for you:o .

Big hugs, cos I guess that you could really do with some. Keep us posted.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks Buffy, you've actually said what I couldn't say without sounding like I was moaning!!
I say to him, you don't know how much I've had to cope with & he shrugs his shoulders.
I did in the heat of another argument, say no-one has said how well I've done keeping things together & he patted me on the back & said WELL DONE sarcastically, I was not amused & called him a banker, to which I got the here we go again, this is what you're really like thing!
The sofas are very very comfortable, we bought them just pre-lightbulb & they are leather & recline, no skin off his nse anyway, he'd rather be there than wih me

kizzykizzywizzy

moggylover wrote: »

Christ - what a horrible situation.

TBH it does sound as if he is depressed - and I eally do think that maybe what Toto suggested about a short break from being in the same house, and maybe discussing the situation in an "away from the war zone" spot might help.

I suffer badly from depression myself, and it can make everything feel so bleak and hopeless that you want to walk away - but that doesn't make you feel any better either - and part of me says that this is what is going on with your OH at the present. I say that because he doesn't seem to have cheered up after getting it off his chest. Also, cos I think he probably would have gone to stay elsewhere straight after his announcement if he were sure of his decision.

Having said all that, if he will not go to counselling, or the doctor, there is little you can do other than find out exactly where you stand if it does come to divorce, and then wait and see.

Feel so sad for you having to be the one point of support for everyone else at the moment. At least you have us on here as support - and I know that isn't much - but at least we WANT to be here for you:o .

Big hugs, cos I guess that you could really do with some. Keep us posted.

I have suffered from depression for a long time too, but I can control it without meds, I just do what I'm doing now & talk to everyone, he has clammed up & won't talk/tell anyone about this. He is not bothering with his family at the mo, although he may have to stay with his sister to begin with.
You don't know how brilliant you have all been this evening. He would not be at all impressed if he saw this thread, though if he does, he does
I emailed 2 friends last night saying I'd asked him to leave & he then, as if looking for a way to blame me for the split, said, it's over then, now you've emailed people!! so of course being me I called him a t*sser & said I need to speak to people, it's how I deal with things

kizzykizzywizzy

Poppy9 wrote: »

You can cope. You've been living alone for the last 4 1/2 months like a single parent.

Does he intend to continue working away? If so how often does he plan on visiting his children. It's not really fair on any of you if he only sees them 3 or 4 times a year. You need a break from being a full time lone parent.

Financially you should be entitled to tax credits, look up entitled to for an estimate.

He says he won't be working away again, although he did reapply for another secondment, he won't do it, even if he gets it, not no anyway & I wouldn't want him to EVER do it again

Buffythedebtslayer

Ok I am going sound like a cow now but I think he is being so out of order here.

give him a couple of nights on the sofa for the kids, and then ask him to leave. you DO NOT deserve this. I cannot write that strongly enough. You have hung on through losing your Mum, taking over looking after you nan, your Dad falling apart. why the HELL should he get to come back and act like the wounded party.

I hope i don't offend you kizzy. I just believe he is wrong.

xxxx

barnaby-bear

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

I have suffered from depression for a long time too, but I can control it without meds, I just do what I'm doing now & talk to everyone, he has clammed up & won't talk/tell anyone about this. He is not bothering with his family at the mo, although he may have to stay with his sister to begin with.
You don't know how brilliant you have all been this evening. He would not be at all impressed if he saw this thread!!
I emailed 2 friends last night saying I'd asked him to leave & he then, as if looking for a way to blame me for the split, said, it's over then, now you've emailed people!! so of course being me I called him a t*sser & said I need to speak to people, it's how I deal with things

I think you need to separate what you can control/change and what you can't - your priority is providing a stable civilised environment where your kids can thrive - and if he can contribute in anyway to that then great and in what way is up to you two to figure out but primarily you have family (parents/gran) to support, kids to raise and whilst the perfect family unit sounds great - sorry you have no choice over that and it's his choice to get on board or not - you've enough going on without trying to sort out his issues for him. Retreat and take stock - you've enough on your plate he just has his issues.