Marriage over don't know where to start

littleangels3

do you have a thread of you own sfh you sound like you having a rough time of it too. xxx

hugs to both of you xxxxxxxx

bank_of_slate

I have to go now but please phone the police!
keep a detailed log of every time makes contact or threatens you.
...Linda xx
:grouphug:

poppyg_2

purplepatch wrote: »

Hi kizzy, I've been lurking today having found your thread last night. Really feel for you, must be hell.

Is he in love with her though? I know that everyone is rightly telling you that he is a !!!!!! and that you should kick him into touch, from experience I know it isn't that easy. Before I met my lovely DH, I was with someone else who ditched me a month before our wedding for a married colleague. Can't be bothered to go into the details as all very dim and distant memory now, best left like that, but I do know that it isn't easy to switch off those feelings and if he had wanted me back, I'm sure I'd have taken him back. Luckily he didn't as I have a lovely life now!

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your LOs and perhaps turfing him out isn't necessarily for the best. I have friends whose husbands have done similar and they have worked through it, reasonably successfully, it is possible. I guess a lot of it depends on what he actually wants and where he wants to be.

I know that he's been saying that he doesn't want to be with you, but you know these ridiculous men, I'll bet that he's been talking himself into thinking that, because of the guilt etc. Now it's out in the open, perhaps he can do some soul searching and work out what he really wants. And then you can take it from there.

Guess what I'm saying is don't rush into stuff, let the dust settle from this discovery. Don't get me wrong, I think he's been perfectly vile to you, totally dishonest etc and perhaps he doesn't deserve any second chances, but it has to be what you want and you do need to listen to your heart sometimes as well as your head. I have no experience of life in the forces, but I would imagine it's a bit of a weird situation being away from your loved ones and when you have skanky predatory females on hand, it must sometimes be a temptation.

Just to give a little bit of my experience Kizzy, exactly what is happening to you right now happened to my Mum when I was 11 (I'm now 28) and my brother was 13. It's like reading a little extract from my Mum's life.

Basically, my Dad acted very odd for a while (distant, cold, can't pinpoint it exactly), then suddenly announced he didn't love mum anymore and was leaving her, well us. Instead of going in the night he went in full view of the neighbours which seemed to be just to cause mum more hurt not to mention embarrassment. Said some terrible things including saying that the mortgage/bills weren't his problem and that he didn't care if she ended up on the street, said mum was boring, blah blah.

He swore there was no one else involved but surprise surprise he was having an affair with a work colleague which we found out about a few weeks later. Dad and the other woman split up not long after but he rubbed the fact she wanted him back in mum's face by even showing her a letter this other woman had written which she'd put she was missing 'knight rider' which he said was his car - yeah right think we know very well what she meant.

Anyway, believe it or not, my mum and dad ended up getting back together a few months after all this. Seemed that dad was very inexperienced when him and mum got together and basically had some sort of, well for want of a better expression, midlife crisis, final fling, that sort of thing. I admit things have never been quite the same as they were between them because what he did was unforgiveable but they did somehow work through their problems.

What your husband has done is terrible but maybe it is a case of 'the grass is always greener' and that he may well come to his senses. If this happens and whether you still want him of course is a different matter. I admit my personal view where my parents are concerned is that if she hadn't had him back she'd have actually had a happier life but it was her decision and I had to respect it.

Maybe he's just been so mixed up and with the being away from home for a while it made it easy for him to kind of pretend temporarily that he was like a single man and now he's come back and he just doesn't know what he wants.

I want to make it VERY CLEAR I am most definitely not sticking up for him, I have never personally found a way to 100% forgive what my Dad did to us because he destroyed part of my childhood but people do some strange things sometimes, nothing so queer as folk as the saying goes.

Anyway, sorry for the essay and I really do admire the way you're dealing with everything, I know how hard it must be because I've seen it all happen myself

Fidget21

Kizzy

For the record, I don't think he's in love with this woman (call me in denial if you like). I think he did this stupid, stupid thing and when he came home he realised it and couldn't live with the guilt. I think that when he said he couldn't bear to be in the same room as you it was because he couldn't look at you without feeling the oppression of guilt over what he had done. I'm sure he now is a broken man, because he is seeing and realising the damage he has done and what he is going to lose and realising what a complete idiot he has been.

Men are funny little creatures, they tend (sorry to generalise) to associate love with that buzzy, ego massaging period at the start of a relationship, not with the comfotable, companionship that love grows into as your relationship matures. I think this is why he has decided that he isn't in love with you any more, he's had his ego massaged and liked it. (does that make sense??)

Above all, it never ceases to amaze me why men seem to be incapable of thinking through the consequences of their actions, yet always expect somebody to be there to pick up the pieces when it all comes crashing down around their ears.

Still sending hugs your way.

Skint_Lynne

Hi Kizzy,

I'm glad you are still hanging on in there, not been able to post much today as I've been out and about.

I hope that you are a bit calmer than you were last night and trying to sort through everything in your head. It might be a bit of a relief to you that you actually know what the cause of all this stuff is.

Everyday that goes past is a day closer to you feeling normal again, just try and remember that. That's the same for you as well SFH.

speak soon,

SL x

elj2287

Hi Kizzy,

I have just found your thread and read from start to present and I'm so sorry for you. I was gutted when I read that he cheated, my heart sank for you. Your strength is admirable!

I think the advice everyone is giving is amazing, just want to send you and your children big hugs, as everything that I can say has been said. Will keep following.

xxx

bintie22

Just wanted to send my support too.

It's such a horrible, frightening feeling when the relationship you feel so happy, safe and comfortable in, lurches in a completely different direction to that you were expecting.

You have so much support and back-up here. I hope you can feel proud of how well you are dealing with this for you and your children!

star-X_2

Hi Kizzy, hope youre bearing up okay, and you too sfh, been thinking of you both. Just want to put my mantra into both of you again, please turn your phones off and put them on top of the cupboard, whatever they have to say can wait until morning, you arent at thier beck and call, no matter how much we want 'perfect familys' , that wasnt a dig, thats a real life thing ive learnt. Also, i know its soo hard thinking, thats the problem, thinking!!! B*****ds, if only they knew how much they hurt us, anyway, i dont want to get onto a them conversation. If you google, free secret garden meditation, i can guarantee you will have 21 minutes peace, if you dont meditate, please try it once on this one, it is lovely, it goes sooo quick its not funny, and you realise after, youve just had 21 minutes of no thinking, i can put my life on it that thats what youll need at this moment, bless you all and thinking of you, please dont dismiss it, its 21 minutes, im positive it will help, it certainly wont do any harm. Please pm me for my phone number, i also have the hour of free calls so its not a problem, i do have so called, was gonna say experience of this but doesnt sound the right word, bless you two and love and light to you both xxxx

scottishfreebiehunter

kizzy been trying to call you and busy busy busy talk to much you do :D


I am sitting here very scared as dogs went mad outside and then ds said mummy will be hedgehog as loads of slugs out there :rolleyes::rotfl:

kizzykizzywizzy

I'm off the phone:rotfl: ring me!!!