Marriage over don't know where to start

SuziQ

Kizzy would he consider relate with you? They do counselling re splitting up as well as staying together so everything is better for you and the kids-if he loves his kids and you say he does,he should be willing to do whatever he can to lessen the pain for them. Although you have to pay we were offered £5 a session as our circumstances were dire.

mumoftwins

Hi Kizzy,

Do you have anymore news?

kizzykizzywizzy

No he won't go to relate- MOT couldn't get through to his friend - no reply.
He text me about seeing kids & anything you need me to do - ignored it, spoke to a guy on a parenting helpline, he said that he only needs access one day per week & can't just keep popping in, when he feels like it & actually told me to ignore his text! & that he can't have his cake & eat it. I obviously don't want the kids upset, so I will let him see them more than that, but he still hasn't spoken to me about all this & said he would do so when we are back from holiday.
CAB never did get back to me.
Dropped Nanas dinners off, & told her as she kept on about how nice it must be having him back:mad: so now she's upset too & can't believe it.
Also popped in to see his parents, they are really upset too & also can't believe it.
Anyway, cut a long story short, got a text saying as you ignored my last text can I see them? I'm walking around town.
I was out, so said not home.
He asked can i see them later?, by then I was just pulling into the car park at shop,needed thinking time, so just text driving.
Then text no I would like a quiet stressfree night with the children.
He said ok & then went on about a toy that was cheap in Argos, as grandad gave them some money, we'd already bought it, didn't bother to reply.
So that's how it is.

bank_of_slate

Can you set the ground rules about when he visits so he isn't upsetting things anymore than necessary?
If there are set times then you know where you stand and you'll be taking back a bit of control
...Linda xx

kizzykizzywizzy

A bit difficult when he doesn't even speak to me!!
I think we need to go somewhere neutral, have the kids looked after & talk about what's going to happen, he still has not given me a full explanation. He hasn't actually said he wants a Divorce, just that he's not in love with me anymore, but he still seems to want us ALL to go out on family trips etc, hence the having his cake & eat it, he even said about having one of the rooms in our house for him! which would mean the kids would have to go in together, well my Sister is going through divorce ( very messy, he cheated ) & her Husband won't move out & it's hell for her, so NO WAY am I going down that road.
Stupid stupid mixed up man

Keeping_Motivated

Hi Kizzy

I think I would tell him that the fact he is not giving you any full and frank explanation/reason for what is going on he is going to make you bitter as after all you have been through and after all the years you DESERVE at least the respect of a talk without having to ask for it. Tell him if he doesn't even respect you as well as not loving you anymore then for a while you need to stay away from him and if he wants to see the children he will have to do so via a 3rd party ie his sister.

Obviously the above is my opinion so please do as you see fit, I am just feeling annoyed for you at his lack of talking to you about it. No wonder you have been getting digs in, you are confused and hurting. However as you know the digs will not help you or the situation so if he won't talk about IT then I would stay away from him completely til he realises that the lack of communication is nearly as painful as the reality of what is happening.

Take care
KM x

Keeping_Motivated

I wonder if he won't talk to you if you could write a letter and give it to his sister to give him?

SuziQ

Kizzy for 4 years with my first ex he used to see the kids 2 nights a week at my house-I didn't want them to be Macdonalds children and he didn't get a proper place of his own. He then would see them Saturday or Sunday. I quickly set ground rules-ie I wasn't going to cook for him-although we did share occasional meals,but only on my terms. He knew my bedroom was out of bounds! Mostly I would go out when he was there. I would go to the gym or go shopping-it was lovely to go shopping without the children on a saturday. I think only 1 contact a week is mean myself,but he needs to quickly learn that it will mostly be set days (obviously the both of you may need to change a day occasionally-that's life.) At the moment he is lost and lonely,believe me once he has really 'left' in his head he will quickly build up a life away from you,it's very early days yet.
Has he ever used the words 'trial separation' or is it 'it's all over'? I am now mates with my ex-even though he left me in debt and has never paid maintenance. I wanted our children to see their parents getting on,and yes I have had to bend over backwards,bite my tongue many many times and forgive over and over again,but I am left without malice,which is my gift to myself,and the kids have always seen their parents treating each other with dignity,which has got to be healthier than a lot of relationships which end so badly. I am very fearful that will be the case with my second husband- he is quickly becoming very bitter partly because he doesn't really want us to split,whereas with my first marriage although he left after turning violent (he has Lupus) we both knew our marriage had been more of a friendship than anything else. We have managed to maintain some sort of friendship-I even had to contact his 3 (yes,3!)girlfriends when he got caught in the Tsunami to let them know he was ok,plus sent him money and put credit on his phone-we get on better now than we ever did when we lived together lol!

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks again guys, yes I do want him to be a big part in his childrens lives, & no I don't want to just let him see them 1 day per week.
But whilst he is having everything HIS WAY ( seeing them every day ) he is not any worse off, & I am, because of the tension when he is around - as you say it's early days.
I really needed today away from him & the kids do too, it's not nice to see your parents bickering all the time. Tonight we have had a really calm & quite evening they've played nicely & behaved really well, so I think it's done us a bit of good & hopefully it's done him some good too, he may appreciate his children & not snap at them when he sees them & hopefully will be nicer to me too.
He hasn't said "it's over" "trial seperation" or anything of that nature, just that he doesn't have any feelings for me & that he's not in love with me anymore.
Also I am really really going to bite my tongue, not for his benefit, but for the kids

Skint_Lynne

Hiya,

I've been helping my brother move house tonight, it's amazin how much stuff you can accumulate!!

I'm glad you stuck to your guns today, you will defo need to get some ground rules together re: the wee ones. I don't have any as you know so I don't have the experience of knowing how often he should come round etc.

I think the best thinkg you can do at the moment is to keep the thought at the back of your head that you did not create this situation, he did so it is his own fault that he felt he had to walk around town tonight.

Will check in tomorrow.

SL x