Marriage over don't know where to start

scottishfreebiehunter

It is indeed Jules and you are doing so well xxx so hang on in there
Maybe when him and his dad are alone things will be very different xxx give him a chance even though tbh he doesnt deserve one

burnsguitarman

Hi all, I've been followig this thread from the beginning, It brought back a lot of feelings and upset that took .... wait for it... 23 years to get over! and to be honest it still hurts even today. Anyway my ex left me with a 3 yr old soon 24 yrs ago, I went through all the same emotions that you are going through right now. How I wish such a support network existed back then. One thing that was different and very hard to cope with at the time,was, once my ex had left he never came into the house again (his choice certainly not mine) he took my son out once a week (if he had nothing better to do) and I was told by my solicitor that I had to allow contact with his new partner from the outset. He even took him out in the car without a baby seat because it 'spoiled his image', and he had him in the car whilst he was teaching his girlfriend to drive!! I didn't agree with any of this but I was powerless to do anything about it. The point I'm trying to make is the fact that he never came in the house again was, looking back a benefit to my son in coping with the change in his life. He no longer associated his Daddy with his home, and his Mummy, it only took about 2 months before he stopped saying "mummy wants a kiss too" when he was leaving after a day out. I think it is upsetting to yourselves and your children to try and play happy families in your homes and the heartache starts all over again when it's time to go home. I know I've not explained myself very well, but I think you need to detach your ex's from the former family home, in order to start to move on. Sorry to waffle! Just to add that I remarried the following year and still am to a wonderful patient man who has been a super 'father' to my son, and even though I was still 'in love' with the memories of the life with my ex. There is definately a future out there for all of you, and you will eventually be able to cope.

julie2710

scottishfreebiehunter wrote: »

It is indeed Jules and you are doing so well xxx so hang on in there
Maybe when him and his dad are alone things will be very different xxx give him a chance even though tbh he doesnt deserve one

Thanks SFH I guess the thing that worries me is on Monday when he had him in tears twice just in the morning alone - my neighbour said that she had noticed that he didn't have much patience with him in the past. When we were together and I was still working, DH always had Mondays at home with DS. My neighbour said that he is constantly being put to bed whereas she had commented to her hubby that when I was at home for the day with DS last Thursday he was out gardening with me all day and was really happy with no tears. So I'm starting to worry if he is always unhappy when he's with his dad? I'd hate to think that he had 2 days of hell while I was in hospital and he'll probably be unhappy with me then when I get back and with his new brother who will have been the cause of me being away?

kizzykizzywizzy

Jules, for your own peace of mind, when you are going to be in a highly emotional state anyway, perhaps see if your mum can look after DS.
But maybe before that talk to EX & tell him how you are worried about the way he's behaving when he is there with DS & say that you are thinking of leaving DS with your mum & see what he says

robster1964

burnsguitarman wrote: »

Hi all, I've been followig this thread from the beginning, It brought back a lot of feelings and upset that took .... wait for it... 23 years to get over! and to be honest it still hurts even today. Anyway my ex left me with a 3 yr old soon 24 yrs ago, I went through all the same emotions that you are going through right now. How I wish such a support network existed back then. One thing that was different and very hard to cope with at the time,was, once my ex had left he never came into the house again (his choice certainly not mine) he took my son out once a week (if he had nothing better to do) and I was told by my solicitor that I had to allow contact with his new partner from the outset. He even took him out in the car without a baby seat because it 'spoiled his image', and he had him in the car whilst he was teaching his girlfriend to drive!! I didn't agree with any of this but I was powerless to do anything about it. The point I'm trying to make is the fact that he never came in the house again was, looking back a benefit to my son in coping with the change in his life. He no longer associated his Daddy with his home, and his Mummy, it only took about 2 months before he stopped saying "mummy wants a kiss too" when he was leaving after a day out. I think it is upsetting to yourselves and your children to try and play happy families in your homes and the heartache starts all over again when it's time to go home. I know I've not explained myself very well, but I think you need to detach your ex's from the former family home, in order to start to move on. Sorry to waffle! Just to add that I remarried the following year and still am to a wonderful patient man who has been a super 'father' to my son, and even though I was still 'in love' with the memories of the life with my ex. There is definately a future out there for all of you, and you will eventually be able to cope.

:A Babe, this made me cry... and believe me I am quite a hard a s s biatch....... I think your story may make a difference, eventually, but the girls who's hearts are breaking despite everything, how can we help them

It's different strokes for different folks..... I know that when push comes to shove, I have felt like kizzy & sfh, but ultimately, I have come out firing both barrels like gert and rikki..... The lack of respect & care, have always overrided my other feelings. I think I have said before, when the anger sets in, it is the most amazing motivator...... and abolishes those feelings, of sorrow, love etc etc...

It truly does make those sorry f u c k e r s, dance to a different tune!

Robster xxx

taxi73

Jules I just had to post in view of your thoughts and the neighbours comments I would leave your son with you mum..your OH can visit him there if needs be...sure that your mum would watch him like a hawk.
You have enough to worry about at the moment.He sounds like he isn't a good dad at anytime...sorry to say.
That is an absolutely awful way for him to treat your son.Perhaps you are better off without him in your life totally.
Gert what a change of heart you've had..well done...
SFH ...sure you'll be a lot better when you are in Oz with your family and stuff to distract you.
Kizzy ..you are doing really well also..laughed at the tattoo thing...
To everyone else suffering it will get better honestly...keep strong.
Take care x

Buffythedebtslayer

Can i just say Huge love to all of you. Truthfully I think are all incrediable!

(sorry I havent been round work= nightmare)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

julie2710

Thanks everyone - am feeling a little bit calmer now - have been web surfing trying to find an orange bike ready for DS's birthday next month - ornage is his favourite colour - so he keeps telling me:rolleyes:
I think you're probably right - I will phone DH tomorrow afternoon and tell him how concerned I am with the was he is treating DS and that I am feeling that maybe DS will be better off with my mum whilst I'm in hospital. Can't imagine he'll be overly happy about it but tough! Not sure I even want him staying here now as god only knows what my bills will be like when I get back if he can be so damn inconsiderate in just a few minutes.
Hope everyone has a good night - I'm hitting the sack now - hopefully I'll have a bit more energy tomorrow as I feel better when I'm getting things done.
Goodnight everyone!

gerturdeanna

Nope, I've not been out dating hehe - I wish, give me a week or two when I've got my new clothes and my designer glasses (did I tell ya they were only £40!!)
I've been to see My medium tonight - a marvellous bloke called David Traynor - he only seems to do the north west circuit. I've been quite a few times to see him and normally get a message. We had such a connection one night that I was asked to write the foreword for his second book!! (Its a bit personal what the reading that night was about - maybe I will tell you all one day but not tonight!) Didn't get a reading tonight but not too worry, obv the spirits haven't anything to tell me so I must be doing the right thing!! hehe
Got back and have just caught up with whats going on, I gave him 5 mins to finish his coffe off and then basically stood by the door waiting for him to do - he just makes the place look untidy!! hehe!! Yes, as most of us, I sdo still love him but I will not be a doormat, clinging on to his every word and beggin him to come home, cos my thinking/feeling is now that i he wants me, he can bloody well start showing it and treating me with respect - until then I don't want anything to do with him. I'm not saying never cos thats a long time but for the forseeable future anyway!!

Kizzy, I'm glad your sis seems to be on the road to recovery.
SFH - You've got a week now to sort yourself out before you HAVE to see him again. I wouldn't contact him unless DS wants/needs it. Just leave im to get on with what he's doing and try to start to repair your life.
Jules - I would defo think about having your mum stay with DS, if the ex is going to treat him like that its not on - he's still a baby really!!
Delly - Hope things are okay with you
Not heard from Kas for a while hope shes okay
Don't think I've forgotten anyone - probably have - lthough I haven't had any spirits tonight- of either kind!! hehe

boredmarriedwithkids

julie2710...never really posted on here before about such important things but HAD to post to say that not all fathers are so bad....I have 6 and 3 yr old boys and they are the greatest thing EVER that has happened to me.

Like you I do try and talk to the boys especially the oldest, he is very sensitive and loves his mum dearly but understands an awful lot and sees both sides of the argument when explained to him and I think this is quite important...(yelling does work sometimes!!) might not work for all but I think we need to give kids a bit more credit for having brains these days!

Ive been married for 17 yrs and have never been happier, I do however feel for you a lot.

I guess I am a bit old school in that when you make a commitment you see it through that includes the kids and not trying to poison their minds with rubbish. They need to be treated with parity at all times and not given conflicting messages that way they grow up with respect, dignity and understanding for others.

Anyway enough of my rubbish, soldier on girl the grass is really greener on the other side!!!!