Marriage over don't know where to start

Rikki

Wow that took some catching up.
It was good to see you are all still in relatively high spirits even with the men behaving like total idiots.

Hello to the new ladies. I really feel for you all going through this and even though my experience was many years ago I can feel the hurt from each of you as if it was just yesterday.

It does get better but it takes time and its a long hard struggle.

Let of steam on here and we will all listen and offer words of encouragement and you know me I'll be the big bad wolf and slap your wrists occasionally.

gerturdeanna

I've just finished on the phone with the IS people, the lady was really nice and said seen as there are no notes on my file to say don't pay me, she's sent out an emergency giro - should be here tomorrow!! I'm now a member of IS!! Means that I can defo move on now and get mine and the kids lives sorted out!!
When my letter comes, I've got to go to the council etc to sort out my council tax, then straight across to free school meals place, book myself in the docs so I can get help stopping smoking and some counselling, some cream for my boils (always come up when I'm stressed!! - and in the most horrible places!!) Find out about free cavity wall insulation, look at college courses - although think I may be too late for that now! Loads of things to do!!

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi Guys
Had a nice time with Sis, she had to go & get a photo cake for her DS as 18 wednesday & other DS 15 Tuesday, she usually makes all thier cakes & has done for years & this year when it's his special birthday, she's really not well enough.
Her boob is massive! it's honestly bigger than a honeydew melon & it's gone down, all her skin is split it's awful. I feel so sorry for her, it looks really painful.
Neighbour I bumped into this morning knocked on the door a minute ago with a really lovely bouquet of flowers, how nice is that? She said she'd been thinking about me all day & she knows it's no consolation, but wanted to get me some - I nearly cried.

gerturdeanna

Oh my - how sweet is your neighbour!!! Bless her, bet you were really !!
That so sweet!!
I'm sending massive hugs to your sis too.

scottishfreebiehunter

sorry misread that there,hope youre sis gets better soonyxxxxxxx


I cannot stand this man ,he is doing everything he can not to talk to ds and trying to wind me up and been succesful as now want to bawl my eyes out.
Its as if he is trying to get everyone to hate him more,ds is upset and taking it out on me this is unreal

gerturdeanna

Is he still at yours SFH? How long has he been there? If he's being a knob, I'd ask him to leave. Then try and settle yourselves down....why is he not talking to him, whats he doing there then...!!!!!!!!

kizzykizzywizzy

Just posted & it disapeared :mad:

SFH - whatever is wrong with the man?? From what you say he was a really devoted dad - he must have hit his head on something - I can't think what else can have happened to make him change like this.

Good news for me, though no-one thought to tell me Nana doesn't want me & sis to cook for her anymore :j :j her old cleaner will come in & give her small meals scrambled egg, soup etc, as she can't eat as has been ill & she is paying this woman, she only lives around the corner. FREEDOM :T shame I've already cooked her a weeks dinners to take around:rolleyes:

pania

Hi All.\ Not posted on here much but been reading ever single post and hoping day in and day out that you were all ok.

I've been wondering whether to post this for a while but thought it may help those of you with children to hear it from a now adult child that has been there.

When I was 3 my sperm donor left my mother for another woman. Although I as an individual don't remember much of what went on at that time my sister has some incredibly vivid memories of my mum crying on the stairs and her telling muumy "please don't cry it will be ok."
SD left and wasn't seen for quite a few months until he decided to out of the blue apply for access. My mum allowed him to see us at weekends and he took us to his mums house. I remember that vividly, The lady scared the life out of me and wasn't nice to us at all while we were there. It got to the point that I would scream blue murder when he came to pick us up nad mum had to stop access as I got myself so distressed. Anyway, As time went on we heard nothing form him, had no idea where he had gone or even if he was still alive. My mother remarried the guy that I view as being my father now and he has always been "dad". the other guy just unfortunately happened to donate a nucleus to put me in the world.

After SD had left mum was on her own for about 3 years with just her me and my sister. Although we were young let me assure you Kiz, SFH, gert, the bond that you build up with your kids during the time you are along together lasts longer than a lifetime. Even with Dad around us three have been so so close and my mother and i still have an extremely close valuable relationhip. We hold the opinion that no one will come between the 3 of us. We did it then, we can do it again. and my mother is the most strongest amazing woman as a result.

How do I feel about SD? rearrange... sigbaht is what you are looking for.
Throughout my childhood years I always wondered why. what had i done wrong, why did he go? Being an adult now I can understand why. It wasn't anything I did, it was just him and his desire to love another. at the age of 3 i couldn't fight that. The one thing that really helped with this was my mothers openess in talking about him. explaining to me why and what had happened.
When I was 16 he stopped maintenance on the day of my birthday, despite the fact that I was going to college so therefore still in FT education. He told mum to take him to court if she wanted the money. It was at that point i told her to forget it, he had never been there so why should he change now?
Last year he sent a private investigator to try to get in contact with us. He wrote a letter to my sister and referred to me right the way throughout as my middle name, no mention of my real name at all. It absolutely screwed me up at the time but I came back to one thought again. What did it matter, my mother has always been there and still is I don't need him.

So what i am trying to say is this...

your children and you will ALWAYS have a special bond as a result of what is going on now. You right now are their security blanket and no matter how old or otherwise they are right now that will last the entirity of your lives. Their dads will never have that bond with them in the situation that they have chosen.

Your children, whether dad stays in touch or (in my case) not, will wonder for a very long time "why?" they will wonder what other family they may have that they are unaware of, other cousins aunts etc. They will feel hurt during their formative years, it was only last year with the letter that I finally got to the bollards to it stage and i am now 31. But I never ever blamed my mum for what happened. If you are able to stay open with your children as to why, who daddy was, if they look like him, whenever they ask then it will make it much much easier for them. My mum never deliberatly spoke ill of him to us, no matter how she was feeling. Myself and my sister had enough confusion and anger inside us that we didn't need more added to the pile.

I think if children are in their teen years it can be much easier for them to deal with as they eventually once all is settled down have "the best of both worlds" My ex split with his wife when his son was 13 and daughter 11. I was step-mum or as good as to them for about 4 years. His daughter once said " we love mum we love dad, we don't love them when they are together. If mum pi55es me off (charming language for a teenager i told her) we go to dad, if you and dad annoy us we've got our bedroom at mums!!" of course they were upset to start with but soon realised this way their bread was buttered on both sides. SFH as your son is older I believe that once everything has settled down with you and tossbag the same will be said for him.

So that is just a wee imput from someone who has been there from a childs point of view. They will be fine. They will need reassurance as they grow up it wasn't their fault, but most of all, cherish the time that you have with them now as a very very important valuable time and one to DFS/tossbag/whoever will never ever have with your children.

Lots of love and sorry to ramble
P
xx

Shineyhappy

Hi Pania,

I am sorry your SD was such a useless waste of space! I do understand why you don't use the word dad as I don't either! He has a nickname and he isnt part of my life.

My parents argued and argued from when I was young. He was uncaring and useless and I know he put my mum through hell and back and you don't need to be very old before you realise exactly who the bad person is. Eastenders always makes me so mad as I just find it unbelievable that Maxs daughters would want anything to do with him after he cheated on their mum.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks Pania for taking the time to post & tell us of your experience - it's very comforting to know that you have such a strong bond with your Mum.
Also that your (step ) Dad became part of your life & that you bonded with him, I'm just scared if I did meet someone that the kids might not like him or vice versa - in which case it would be a no go as far as I'm concerned.
The only thing is DFS is a good Dad & always has been, he's done a few crazy things just lately - but he's just so stressed i think.
I do want him to be part of thier lives, I just wish it had been as a real dad not a visitor.
Can't turn the clock back