Marriage over don't know where to start

Rikki

gerturdeanna wrote: »

He has said that he wants to be with me and he deleted her number in front of me without me asking and thats not the sort of thing he would normally do - he did that to show he was real about not wanting to contact her.
But then when we talked on Saturday he said that it would have finished before she got married anyway because she wouldn't have given up her wedding for him. Its just got me thinking that they must have been discussing it etc for her to have said that and so maybe he's just holding on to see if she does get married or not. And with him saying he wants to take it slow - well if he wants to be with me, why isn't he here right now!! And why did he do it in the first effing place!!!
He comes round and sees the kids three times a week, he was never a real 'hands-on' dad before, so now he can see them when they are all excited etc cos Daddy's coming round, he only has to play with them, make their tea and bath them 3 times a week - yet I end up with all the !!!!!!, when they are crying cos he's not here, when they won't do as I 've asked them to etc. He's got no responsibiltys, he can do what he wants, when he wants, with who he wants for the other days, spend his money on whatever, whenever, whilst I'm constantly telling the kids ' no, sorry darling we can't have that cos Mummy hasn't got enough money today', just been looking through my food cupboards and its all SMARTPRICE crap!!
He comes round and gets kisses and cuddles from the kids (and me, last Thursday, which I am so not proud about now!!) and then go and do whatever!!
If he wanted me, he would be HERE, trying to sort it out.
I think I've made the wrong decision by chucking him out. I think if I wanted to try and work it out with him, he should still be here so he can deal with the crap.
Just feeing sorry for myself. Ignore me.

Please read this part back through. It reads very different to what you have written before and I hope I'm the only one reading this the wrong way.

I'm glad to see you all survived the weekend without too many signs of weakness. Well done to you all. :T

To the new people here going through the same problems, I promise to behave and not always play the devils advocate.

moodydonkey

Carp! pressed wrong button haha so to carry on, sometimes it ends up ok. You end up in a situation you never thought you'd be in but you do come out stronger.
Anyway totally useless post with absolutely no advice but as previously,
Hang on.
You are strong.
Please can we all make a post for six months from now, am asking Kizzy to do it, and you SFH and Gert cos I think it would be nice or maybe rubbish but on the whole good to see how we are all doing AND TO SHOW OTHERS THAT IT CAN BE DONE.
Much love ladies, and to Chip who personally I agree with, well most of the time lol

annamc75

I pmed you a while ago Gert and you never replied so I am going to post it here for everyone else to read too.

Please be careful honey

(BELOW THIS IS MY PM TO GERT)

My ex had an affair for 4 months before I found out about it. He and the moose decided that they wanted to be together until her ex boyfriend found out why he had been dumped the week before and threw himself out of a 3rd floor window, breaking his ankles and legs.

She felt sooooo guilty that she ended it with my ex and we decided to try again. We made a fresh start and were moving on with our lives when I found out that the only reason he was with me as he didnt want to be alone (what with her back with the ex).

As it was 4 months into our second chance she changed her mind again and pulled the rug out from under me just as the love and trust was returning.

It hurt me soooooo much more the second time round. I had worked long and hard to forgive and forget. Invested time and money into rebuilding a life together. We had moved house at this point (renting made it so easy to do) but she hunted him down via the internet and as soon as he knew she would have him again I was dropped.

I am not saying that this is the case with you, neither am I saying that this isnt the case. The one thing I would say is that you only get one shot at life. What happened, happened for a reason and no matter what happens those circumstances could happen again - ask yourself what you want out of your future? Will you be able to achieve this knowing what you now know about your OH? He has changed from the man you loved and only you can decide if you can or cant run the risk of this side of him hurting you and the kids again.

Good luck hon - I have a feeling you are going to need it. xx

Rikki

gerturdeanna wrote: »

Thats how I'm feeling at the moment - that my OH is just hedging his bets whilst he decides what he wants - all the while I stuck here,taking the crap from the rest of my family and having to cudle the kids when they cry.

I was lucky as when he admitted being unfaithful the marriage was over for me. He left and the contact was on my terms. I was able to make a life for me and the children without him just turning up and phoning. He had his weekends and and weekday visits not at the family home at his rented flat. So the family home was mine and the children's. A home made up of just us three.

Its so much harder for you guys when trying to rebuild a relationship and the children not understanding the complexest of the situation.
Maybe telling them Mummy and Daddy are friends and are learning to love one another again and it takes time. This means Daddy can't be here all the time but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he has to go and live somewhere else for a while.

gerturdeanna

Rikki, I'm not too sure what you mean - I haven't really talked about what we discussed on Saturday before today.

gerturdeanna

Rikki wrote: »

Maybe telling them Mummy and Daddy are friends and are learning to love one another again and it takes time. This means Daddy can't be here all the time but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he has to go and live somewhere else for a while.

Thats what I told them but they are only 4 and 3. they just see him being here on tues, thurs and stopping over Sat nights. DS found it really hard cos he caught us kissing on Thursday and so then now again can't understand why daddy isn't here, cos in his eyes, if we were kissing, then we must love each other.
And before anybody asks, no I've not had a drink!!:p

annamc75

You will have to be more careful then - no wonder they are finding it hard if they see you both saying one thing and doing another.

If it is confusing for you, think how confusing it must be for them. In turn it is you who suffers when they play up.

I know that this will all pass but you want to make sure that you protect those who havent the skills to process what is going on around them.

Ax

gerturdeanna

I know and it wasn't my intention to kiss him in front of them. They were upstairs asleep and it was as he was leaving outside the front door. Next thing I knew DD and DS were opening the door!!

GeorgeUK

Gert - the way i have read you threads (and why in a moment of madness agreed with Chip - i promise it won't happen again... unless you say it's ok ) it sounded like he hadn't discussed her leaving him and that it would come as a surprise. Now it sounds as if he was aware of the situation, that she wouldn't be with him in a matter of days. That's also why i didn't think it was that big a deal that he deleted her number - had he already tried it and it was no longer in use? Had he been told that she was getting rid of the phone?

Not meaning to cast doubt here, but he has a long way to go before i'd consider him good enough for you. If he is the one that wants to take it slow, it might be an idea to remind him of just how much work taking care of children is. Nothing quite like getting your hands dirty is there?

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi Girls & Boys
Firstly Gert - You sound exactly like I have been, left with all the crap - while they get themselves together, it's just the anger coming out, I obviously got through all this a bit earlier, because he hasn't been here for a while, whilst you are now going through it because he's not there anymore.
What I'll say to you is, don't even tell him how much crap you are going through, he won't give a !!!!! & you CAN cope with it, your family really need to butt out, this is your life & your kids life - hope preschool went ok:D
I bumped into my neighbour today too, ( the one who's husband went off with prostitutes when she had pnemonia! ) she heard DS crying, she's knows what's going on, she said what a stupid wonker!
TLF - Just try & use your head, not your heart, it will save you a lot of pain, he may be genuinely sorry & other people do get over these things, just will you trust him again after he's already lied to you once about finishing things
SFH - Hi Hunny I hope you are OK
Jules - Glad alls well with the baby, DFS was a real git to the children moaning & snapping at them, I think it's guilt & the fact they must be in such a mess too ( don't feel sorry for the idiots!! ) anyone under extreme stress is usually snappy - can't you get him out pronto?? you don't need this