Marriage over don't know where to start

jay11_2

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Thanks for your post Jay.
It was very honest of you.
I'm really glad you have managed to salvage things.
I really feel that DFS was very depressed on his ship, lonely & saw the single blokes on there buying electrical stuff & drinking loads etc & felt he was missing out.
He also seemed to cut himself off from us, as if having a seperate life, although in his emails he was saying how much he loved me & missed me, he didn't tell me much about his life & what he was doing ( well he couldn't tell me all of it could he!! ) also he stopped asking about the kids, I used to tell him what was going on with them how they were doing, he'd answer things to these emails, but never asked about them, which I did find strange.
Anyway really need to get on with the ironing:j :rotfl: :T :rotfl:
Have a good day folks
Also if there is anyone else out there, who has been through this, from the other side ( as the partner who has cheated ) I'd really appreciate knowing if/ how you got back/split. Thanks

You're welcome, anything that helps, I appreciate that as the wrongdoer I'm probably 'the enemy' in your eyes but if there's anythng you want to ask etc, anything I can do to help, feel free to PM me. If it's OK with you I'm going to ask DH to look at this thread, (he's much more active on mse than me) he might have something helpful and blokey to add.

Don't know if it helps but regarding your ex asking about the kids, during that time I felt comletley numb, to eveyone around me, life was just totally overwhelming for me, and I didn't think DH really wanted or loved me (many years of history behind that one), which was probably the main cracking point for me.

Pollycat

Hi Gert
Good luck with the trying again - sometimes it takes an almighty shock to get things back on track.

I think I said this a few days ago at the time you & OH were talking about maybe trying again - neither of you should underestimate the difficulty of being able to 'forget'.
I think you should both be realistic and consider the possibility that you may at some stage throw this affair back in his face, especially when he's a little late home from work, his mobile is switched off or maybe when he wants to attend a work party.

I've read the comments from Chip and Kizzy with interest.
I hope that Chip doesn't stop posting here, but I feel that your decision is just that - it's YOURS! Nobody else's.
Just because it's a decision that someone else might not make, it doesn't mean that you're wrong.
Do whatever you feel is right for you, the kids and ultimately the whole family.
I don't feel anyone has a right to judge or criticise anyone else's decision.
I think in threads like this, we're here to listen, offer support, sympathy & maybe a little advice, share our own experiences etc.

Anyway, I feel I have to add this (under the 'sharing our own experiences') although you probably won't want to hear it.
My ex-OH cheated on me (for much longer than yours did though) and we did try again, but it didn't work out and we split up 2 or 3 years later. It was my decision and the right one for me.
I hope things work out differntly for you as it's so obviously what you want.

Take care
XXX

cupid_s

Chip, I get why you were surprised with Gert and her OH gettting back together but actually I wasn't.

I know I'm oversimplifying this but there's cheating just for sex and then there's 'the affair'. I know the first is also an affair really but I can distinguish between the two. If for whatever reason my husband started sleeping with someone else, just for sex, I could forgive that. There can be many factors that will lead someone to do this and whilst there is never an excuse, sometimes more than just the cheater are to blame.
If he started an affair and it was more than just sex then that would be it and I could never give it another go. The minute he said he loved someone else would be the minute I threw him out and never spoke to him again.

I might be totally off the mark but it seems Gerts OH liked the attention and sex. And whilst that is extremely selfish of him I'm sure he does love her.

I hope things go well for her.

Rikki

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

If he does stay it will definately be on the sofa!! if I get home & he's in the bed ( which he better not be ) then I will be on the sofa!
It's not until next Friday so plenty of time apart for me to show him I mean business. Not letting him anywhere near my heart anymore, he's hurt me too much. Anyway friend is a lightweight like me, so will probably be in by 9pm:p

If he does stay and he's in your bed, he gets out and goes on the sofa!

Its your home and your bed, he was only baby sitting and he isn't living there.

dinkytwostep

Originally Posted by kizzykizzywizzy
If he does stay it will definately be on the sofa!! if I get home & he's in the bed ( which he better not be ) then I will be on the sofa!
It's not until next Friday so plenty of time apart for me to show him I mean business. Not letting him anywhere near my heart anymore, he's hurt me too much. Anyway friend is a lightweight like me, so will probably be in by 9pm:p


sorry Kizzy - I agree with the others say - he doesn't get to stay the night ... bed or sofa....He's messing with your CHILDREN's heads. They won't understand the distinction of daddy sleeping on the sofa or in your bed alone....they will see it that Daddy is home and it will get their hopes up again. I agree with Rikki - he is babysitting for you so should go home once you return.

Rikki

Chip_Hazard wrote: »

Kizzy,

I'm not going to row with you. If you call what we're having a "row", you're wrong IMO anyway, all it is is a disagreement about how I've reacted regarding Gert's news tonight.

Robster - thanks for your post, it's nice to know that I won't understand any of this because I'm a man. Not all men are the same, you know, and just as there are men who are ignorant when it comes to this sort of thing, there are as many women who do nothing for the sisterhood by blindly accepting stuff that happens.

When Gert posted her news, my first reaction was shock as things had been so bad between them. She has said some truly awful things about him on this thread and I was stunned that they were getting back together. Gert said on her post that she asked for people not to get angry so she obviously knew there would be some adverse reaction to her post. Now, several hours later, one person has said they find it unbelievable news and you all jump on them for daring to have a different view.

I hope Gert and her OH can put this all behind them now and make a life for themselves. Its down to her and her only as to whether that will happen. Personally, I think she's worth more than a bloke who cheats on her and that has nothing to do with wanting to be in the land of milk and honey. Its more to do with the fact that I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought they could do better than me and actually acted on it.

I have learned more about myself in the last four years then I ever did before. Being an absent parent is even more difficult in some perspectives than being the parent with residency as you miss out on a whole lot more. I see some of the women on here saying that they can't go on, they want to die etc etc and I realise it is an emotional outburst but it's still not nice to hear. I think quite carefully about what I post before I post it hence when someone else doesn't ( Gert when she called her OH a 'plank with no personality and no knob' ), I find it difficult to understand why the sudden about turn. Maybe she had a drink last night and loosened her stance towards the OH ( before you shout at me, that isn't a dig at her ).

I'm retiring from this thread now, I've tried to help as best I can making posts late at night and first thing in the morning when things are quiet so I can think on what I want to say. In return, I'm told that I'm a man who doesn't understand; I have a narrow perspective, my own; I'm a man who thinks problems are the end of my world and that I am looking at things the wrong way. All because I hold a different view to you lot. . Best of all, it's called a row because I have a differing opinion of things.

At the end of the day, I'm 40 years old with four children, life-changing experiences behind me and a wealth of knowledge about cheating partners and how to deal with heartbroken kids.. however as I have a **** between my legs, my advice is not valid anymore. Ah well, at least I tried. I hope you're slightly more reasonable with the next poor sod who tries helping especially if he's a man.

I understand where your coming from. Its easy once you take the emotional attachment out of the relationship and its obvious from these ladies posts they haven't.

I really hope they don't get hurt but the same as you I can see the warning signs. I think your comments are valid.

Also...... hey ho it takes the pressure off of me, whipping boy with size 12 boots.

trancebabe

cupid_s wrote: »

Chip, I get why you were surprised with Gert and her OH gettting back together but actually I wasn't.

I know I'm oversimplifying this but there's cheating just for sex and then there's 'the affair'. I know the first is also an affair really but I can distinguish between the two. If for whatever reason my husband started sleeping with someone else, just for sex, I could forgive that. There can be many factors that will lead someone to do this and whilst there is never an excuse, sometimes more than just the cheater are to blame.
If he started an affair and it was more than just sex then that would be it and I could never give it another go. The minute he said he loved someone else would be the minute I threw him out and never spoke to him again.

I might be totally off the mark but it seems Gerts OH liked the attention and sex. And whilst that is extremely selfish of him I'm sure he does love her.

I hope things go well for her.

Maybe I see things a bit more black and white but how would you ever know whether it was 'just sex' or something with more feeling than that?!

Unless I was unwilling, or physically unable to satisfy my hubby's needs then I would have to assume that it was more than just sex.

In my ex DH's case, it wasn't only the fact that he'd been with another woman, it was the lies, deception, deviousness and the fact that I would never know if he was dreaming about another woman (for sex or anything else) when he was lying in bed with me. I couldn't trust him, no matter how much he tried assuring me I could (and in the end I was right not to... he was a rat!)

It's a really tough one to overcome...

Rikki

cupid_s wrote: »

Chip, I get why you were surprised with Gert and her OH gettting back together but actually I wasn't.

I know I'm oversimplifying this but there's cheating just for sex and then there's 'the affair'. I know the first is also an affair really but I can distinguish between the two. If for whatever reason my husband started sleeping with someone else, just for sex, I could forgive that. There can be many factors that will lead someone to do this and whilst there is never an excuse, sometimes more than just the cheater are to blame.
If he started an affair and it was more than just sex then that would be it and I could never give it another go. The minute he said he loved someone else would be the minute I threw him out and never spoke to him again.

I might be totally off the mark but it seems Gerts OH liked the attention and sex. And whilst that is extremely selfish of him I'm sure he does love her.

I hope things go well for her.

A lot of men don't start an affair for sex.
It starts as listening partner sympathetic to their problems at home. Its a need to be understood, then comforted and before they know it they've opened their heart, shared their feelings and things are heading towards a sexual relationship.
Probably not the original intention but the eventual out come.

dinkytwostep

SFH I had a friend of us both well who knew oh first on phone and she wanted me to go out for something to eat Saturday and tbh I cannot ,as last week had good time but still came home to empy lonely house etc

Hi SFH
Don't beat yourself up. You CAN'T change the past .. you can only change the present......
Why don't you ring your friend up and ask her to come to you for a girlie night in? Could she stay overnight? M&S are doing a £10 dinner for 2 offer including a bottle of wine (why not split the cost between you?)... You could invite a few others to come as well... people YOU feel comfortable with. It's YOUR house now.. you can invite people to it. You could always say you weren't sure if your son would be staying over with his father so couldn't invite anyone until now.....

DTS

PS well done on getting out of the house this morning!

trancebabe

It's about attention, the full on, gotta be with that other person, clothes ripping, rush of excitment but keep it shtum because this other person wants me and I don't want that feeling to end... but I also want my familiar cosy life to boot and no one has to get hurt... except it rarely is all that, the grass isn't always greener...

That rush of feelings that go with a new relationship is something that makes your heart beat faster and gets the endorphins going, and without question, that goes (only to be replaced by deeper feelings) as a relationship matures

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel that, but acting upon that want and who gets hurt in process is a different thing and is every shade of wrong going!