Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy

I need to get positive before I can stay positive, I know I shouldn't keep dwelling on the past, but I can't see a future.
I've been with him for more time than without, since I was 17, & we've never split up, except a small time in our 1st year, when he begged me to get back with him.
Arrggghh I've got bright red eyes again, got to go & pay some money in the bank as spent so much this weekend, not enough in there to pay the mortgage.
SFH - we are both going through the same & it hurts doesn't it? I feel so bad, probably as I've spent so much time with him & now he's not here again.
This is why I need to keep away from him & really pass the kids over at the door almost. I just get too hurt

robster1964

Just want to say to everyone on here..... You are truly wonderful with your support and genuine kindness to Kizzy, SFH, Gert and the others girls. I don't know how people coped with this emotional hell in the past, without forums like this. Whatever the outcome for these girls, I am sure that some of you have forged friendships for a lifetime, and they will remember your unwavering support day or night.

Although they are suffering hell, I am sure that being able to read what everyone is saying is a massive help, and a chink of positive light, in what must seem like the most despairing times of their lives.

I am so thankful that there is this support network out there, so guys, please give yourselves a pat on the back. Taking time out of your lives to help others with a few words and encouragement and virtual hugs, makes you all special people in my book. I am so impressed!!!

Robster xx

Shineyhappy

You need to keep busy, maybe a new project like redecorating the house and changing to a different home. Focus on you now not the future and not the past but at this point in time.

Make sure every time you see him you look divine without really trying to and that does help.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks for all the lovely posts, as usual you are all so right, I had 2 boyfriends before him, 1 used to beat me up & was a control freak, & the other one lived abroad & didn't last due to distance, though he was really nice, I couldn't see a future. My Ex was just a kind funny & caring person, he didn't have as much as the other 2 possesionwise, but I loved him for him.
Anyway, must dash be back later as I can't really cope today on my own I'm so thankful for all your replies - Yes I know i am so lucky to have friends like you

exup

Sorry to hear how much it hurts and even though I have never been in a relationship with someone for that length of time I have had a long term girlfriend break up with me and felt the world drop away.

I did go through the few weeks of thinking we would eventually get back together . and even though we saw each other from time to time at out regular haunts and it stayed friendly - we never got back .

The main thing that really hurt was not being able to change her mind - We did have a long talk about it and it yes it was a bad shock to the system. but having to accept it was very difficult.

The one thing that helped was doing the things I was interested in . I still kept on working which helped - I didnt exactly throw myself into work - or play. but I made sure that I tried to have at least some fun with friends and family, even though there were still times that it still hurt like hell - usually those times on anight when I was alone.

But as for staying togther for the kids . I'm not so sure - if things get so bad between partners that it creates problems infront of the kids then I think that can make things even morse.

My parents split up when I was sixteen and my mum left just after my Dads 50th birthday and their 25 yr wedding anniversary. as she didnt want to spoil his birthday. how noble ! but finding out later - she hadnt really been wanting to be there for a while now and was looking to get out. so she ran off with his "best friend". which is something I have not forgiven her for as it took all my Dads self confidence away. No matter about who was to blame / who did what. If she wasnt happy then she should have left for that sake. Doing it the way she did caused resentment.
Kids can understand alot of whats going on - but they may have trouble coming to terms with it - or dealing with how to act -

I really am sorry things went like they did for you Kizzy, but try to focus on the things you want to do, for yourself and your kids and you will get out through the other side . but there isn't going to be a quick fix and you arent going to be able to erase the memories of what you had either. Certain things - going out - especially if its bike related remind me of my ex now and again. but I don't actually miss her anymore, and accept the fact that as we were together for a long time I am going to remember stuff from time to time.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks ex up, yes my EX let me book a holiday, even though he didn't want to be with me as "I needed one" I need one even more now!!
Yes you're right I am frustrated I can't change his mind, probably if he did, I wouldn't want him!!?? Don't know....
I would never get back with him just for the kids, I don't think that would work.
DS had a great day at school, so that's good
Now I'm back home, got to get them some dinner & get them bathed do thier packed lunches then TRY to get them to bed & then I expect I'll be on here or on the phone, feeling carp again. I just miss him so much already.
Oh well another day nearly over, I suppose

gerturdeanna

Its okay to feel crap and its okay to miss him. These are all feelings that we have to have to get through all of this. I'm not available by phone tonight Kizzy, sorry - although I will pop on here whenever I can.

kizzykizzywizzy

Don't worry Gert, hope you are OK?
Just getting DD's uniform ready for tomorrow, not at all organised, not like me at all.
Don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow? Go window shopping maybe, though I can't concentrate for more than a few minutes.
Might pop & see my old workmate, if she's in, bumped into her on the way to school today, she knew there were problems, & asked if I was ok I said no I'm not he's cheated on me, he was standing there, must have felt a right £$%$£, I shouldn't have done it, but then nor should he have!

Rikki

Kizzy

You have no chance of a real relationship while she is still on the scene. He can't physically be with her now so he's with you and the children.
You can't function properly when your waiting for his next unplanned visit. You can see the effect it is having on the children and you can put a stop to this.
Make a fixed visiting timetable so the children know what happening and when. Create distance between you and the ex and give your heart a time to heal.

Men want what they can't have and to be brutally frank you are making yourself look cheap and available.

When she's back she will be the one whose available and you will be this special person with two children whose not available to him. It will make him think about what he really wants and if its you then you make the rules and he has to do the chasing.

If you think about it what man would want two women throwing themselves at him.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Maybe read through some of you older posts and see a different picture.

Skint_Lynne

You'll be okay Kizzy,

I think it's put you back a bit, going to AT. Now that's out of the way, you should look forward as much as you can. If you are filling your days window shopping, you will end up being bored or tempted to buy stuff you can't afford.

You'll really need to go for some advice. Do you want a job again? Maybe you were a bit hasty in giving up the school dinner job? I would go to the job centre or CAB to see if you would be entitled to any benefits whilst working. I think you are allowed to have a part time job, but I can't really vouch for that 100%, so go and check it out. It will get you out the house and keep you occupied. It will maybe open up a social life as well, ie work friends to go out with. One day you will waken up and realise that you feel good and are not thinking about ex anymore!!!

Take care,

SL x