Marriage over don't know where to start

louise2181

Oh Kizzy, sending you hugs

Really feel for you. Just split with my boyfriend, totally different circumstances but it feels like my world has fallen apart.

Try and stay positive, get out with your friends when you can and start focusing on yourself.

You will ultimately end up happier. I know it doesnt seem like this at the moment, and probably wont for a while, but you will get there. You're worth so much more than he has given you. He is the one who has lost out, not you.

As devastating as it is with what has happened, try to look at the positives that have come out of it. You have made new friends on here, who care about you You wont have to waste another minute of your life with someone who treated you so badly, and you have two children who utterly adore you. He has a silly old moose and has lost a woman who loved and cared for him deeply.

Try (as hard as it is) not to waste anymore time dwelling on it, he doesnt deserve the time of day!

More hugs xxxx

robster1964

Kizzy love, how you are coping with all this I will never know. Of course you don't know what to do for the best because you just want the nightmare to be over and your husband to come home of his own accord. You are doing your best to make it right for the kids by showing a united front, going on hols etc, but how can you keep up that kind of charade? And how can you keep dealing with all these mixed signals he's sending out? It must be tearing you apart. To be honest Kizzy, even though you don't want it, I would go and see a solicitor, and let them start sorting stuff out for you. It must be impossible for you to think straight at the moment, and the amount of emotional turmoil this is having on you, is laid bare for all to see. Kizzy I am so worried for you, I wish I could help, if i could deal with even half of the pain for you, I would.

There is no point in talking to him about it anymore because emotionally he has switched off. He thinks that somehow walking with your son to school, makes up for what he is doing! Geez I cannot believe that man!

You can live without him, I know you don't want to, but you can.

You have to start the process of removing his influence from your life, on your terms not his. He has chosen to be a part time father, that is not your fault, and he has to accept that his children, initially are going to suffer. That's is the cross he has to bear.

Try and count your blessings Kizzy, count what you have got, not what you haven't...... God I am praying for you to help Kizzy come through this.


Robster xxxxx

annamc75

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

I honestly don't know what to do for the best - I just don't want this life

This life is just temporary - your new life is still to come!!

I hate it, I hate being on my own with the kids, I hate being lonely all the time. I hate not having someone who loves me. I hate not having someone to share the kids with, who loves them as much as I do.

You are not alone - you have your beautiful children. You are not lonely - you have them there with you. You are not unloved - you have their undevoted and unwavering love. Focus on what you have - you havent lost nearly as much as you think.

I really really wish I could go to sleep & never wake up, I know that sounds stupid, when I know how lucky I am to have 2 lovely children, I just really can't live without him & don't want to live without him.

You lived many years of your life without him. What would the old Kizzy say to the new Kizzy who is weeping and wailing about being incomplete without a man? You lived before him and you will most certainly live after him. It is the transition that you are finding hard.

Yes I'm stupid letting him sleep in the bed, I just don't know what to do, I haven't had this happen before, even though he's told me over & over it's a no go, I can't give up on him. How can i just get over 21 years with someone?
Whatever am i going to do?

You are doing brilliantly but you are focusing on the past and not the present and not the future. I am not meaning to be cruel but the more you focus on loss the more you will focus on your loss. It becomes a very destructive cycle and it is unfair on you and more so on your children. They dont have the life skills to see and cope with the future. As an adult you should have.

Get yourself to the Dr and get yourself some counselling to help you move from the past into the present and future. The sooner you stop dwelling on what you cant change and start working on what you can change the sooner you will get out of this mental funk you are in.

All my love and best wishes and thoughts are with you and your kids.

Anna x

scottishfreebiehunter

Kizzy it is hard I know and my heart is turning inside out today and he is up on my roof fixing a leak:rolleyes:wonders if I should take the ladder away :eek::rotfl:
Also have have to prove where the money came from in my bank for council tax deduction,my mum sent it from oz and now they want her to fax or write a letter,this is a complete shambles it really really is_pale_

scottishfreebiehunter

The thing is I know for sure it is hard not to dwell on things due to being alone most of the day and having no other adult company

This is it you have been with oh 21yrs and me in total 15 with mine and it feels like someone has taken a big chunk of my life away from me and it is so hard.

Shineyhappy

Hi Kizzy

I just typed a really long post but as ever it timed out!

You need to find a middle path to this whole situtation, you aren't ready to give up on your OH but you need to move forward or you will go nuts.

I was cut up badly when I split from an ex and my mum was the one who said "Look at you, you are a mess, he is never going to want you back if you are a sobbing mess" and she was right, ok so we didn't get back together but by the time I had transformed myself I had gained loads of confidence and didn't want him back! I had a make over at the body shop, a hair cut, started going out with my friends and gave my flat a make over - all on a budget. I was unavailable when he wanted to get his stuff and forgot to answer his texts for ages.

Either way getting your life on track will help you, don't do anything that you aren't ready for but you need to take some positive steps.

You MUST sort out a regular time table for everyones sakes. You and him need some space and whilst you aren't seeing him it will hopefully make him miss you and give him time to think whether this how he wants to raise his kids.

Make a list of positives to do today! It does help and it keeps you busy! Maybe one for you and one for your home.

maemaesmummy

Hi Kizzy,

I have been reading your thread and wanted to say although it feels like the end of the world.. you are a bright, intelligent woman and you WILL get through this...

I am struggling (sp) to know what to say that doesnt sound cheesy but time really is a great healer and it is very early days right now.

I (although we didnt have kids) had a similar thing happen to me, he wanted the best of everything dutiful (read boring) wife and the gf.. couldnt make up his mind.. ended up doing a few weeks with me... few weeks with her and I just accepted it . He made me feel like it was all my fault once I finally accepted it was over I moved on.. although I then became a "statistic" it was the best thing for me..

And that is my point ex is not important you and your kids are and they need their mum more than ever.

Sorry to waffle just hate to read in your posts how sad you are.

xxxx

GeorgeUK

You're going to take it one day at a time Kizzy - that's all you can do.

If there was a way to fix it i'm sure you would try everything that you could to do so, but unfortunately it is up to him to try to fix it. I know we're all saying you should stand up for yourself and that you should demand the respect you are due, but this doesn't mean we want you to hate him. He has done a hateful thing, but as you say, it's hard to hate someone you have had feelings for.

We don't expect you to just get over him, but if he remains in your life as he is currently, he needs to learn that there are new boundaries and fast. Otherwise he may hurt you even more. We are all angry on your behalf, but know only a little of all the feelings that are tearing through you. We're offerring advice and as much support as we can - that doesn't mean you need to take the advice.

If you love him, nothing we write here is going to change that, nor would we want to. We just want you to be aware of what may lie infront of you and be prepared as best you can be. It's going to hurt for a long time yet and some days will seem like they're never going to end.
We're here for you if you need us.

It may be an idea to write out all your feeling so that you can get it out of your system instead of trying to bottle it all up and remain strong for the kids.

Remember if you do manage to work through this with him that if you get together in the future, it will be with a different man to the one you married and you will probably have changed too. It's going to take time to heal the wounds and if it's on the cards, to find out what this new man is like and if he is someone you want in your life.

I'm sorry i can't help you or have any answers.
Try to stay strong. I don't think there is anything else you can do while he has you stuck in limbo like this.

Take care
George

trancebabe

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

I honestly don't know what to do for the best - I just don't want this life.
I hate it, I hate being on my own with the kids, I hate being lonely all the time. I hate not having someone who loves me. I hate not having someone to share the kids with, who loves them as much as I do.
I really really wish I could go to sleep & never wake up, I know that sounds stupid, when I know how lucky I am to have 2 lovely children, I just really can't live without him & don't want to live without him.
Yes I'm stupid letting him sleep in the bed, I just don't know what to do, I haven't had this happen before, even though he's told me over & over it's a no go, I can't give up on him. How can i just get over 21 years with someone?
Whatever am i going to do?

You can't 'just get over it Kizzy', you've suffered rejection, a loss of all that you felt safe with... and now you're grieving! You need time to adjust to your new circumstances hunny!

It's not what you would choose for yourself but whether you feel that you can't, or you don't want to, or even hate to be without him, he's taken the choice away from you and, without him, for now at least, is how it is.

You were really young when you got together, was this guy your first and only love up to now?

The life ahead of you is yours to own, to live and to enjoy. Please don't think you can't live without someone who after 21 years has decided that they now don't share your aspirations for a life together anymore. You can't make someone love you and want to be with you when they say that they don't!

... and please don't waste your time needing him, waiting for him and wanting him to 'see sense'...

I know it's hard hunny but just take baby steps and put you and your kids first!

You will be stronger for all this in time, and you wont ever let anyone treat you this way in the future!

themaccas

Dear Kizzy
I have been following this thread for weeks, willing you all the way and felt I had to write something today. I can't pretend to imagine what you are going through so I don't feel it's my place to tell you what to do. What I will tell you is what an amazing person and mother you come across as. At every step no matter what has happened your thoughts go to your children and the impact all this is having on them I am sure it is normal to want him back in your life and you are obviously a forgiving person. It's his loss, he thinks the grass is greener somewhere else - he is SO wrong and time will prove this to him, maybe you should tell him that. I never forget someone telling me 'you always think someone else is happier, better off financially, is having better sex, better job, that the grass is greener and that is never the case, reality is a whole different story'. I think you should come over aloof rather than curt as someone suggested and as for being childish, no way do you appear that way at all. He's the one that couldn't get is hand out of the cookie jar!!!
love and hugs