Marriage over don't know where to start

trancebabe

Morning Girlies & Chip of course

I'd have probably asked him what he needed to come back for? Was he just at a loose end or something?

Either way... you're doing what he wanted and planning / living a life that doesn't include him.

So what if you were a bit short with him... you're allowed to be right now and it's not childish, it's only natural hun!

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks folks, it would've just been so easy for me to say, yes & him come back & have lunch with us & go shopping together.
I never said that he could come back, just take DS to school, so he just presumed he was staying, he took the whole day off work just to walk for 15 minutes. He's booked tomorrow off too as was going to walk DD to school this is now cancelled.
You are right, he's totally messing with my head, we were just normal enjoying ourselves & getting on whilst away, but every now & again, I'd think to myself, he's still got the moose on the go & it was really hard to not say anything.
I did have a go when I was tired about them never going to sleep anymore, because he's unsettled them, but that was it.
Anyway off out now, back later x

Shineyhappy

I think you and he should agree a night to draw up some ground rules so that misunderstandings don't happen and then everyone knows the arrangements and people don't get confused or have higher expectations. It might also force him to realise what his life will be like with no family time and what being away from the children will really be like.

lesley1960

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Night KM xx

He said something tonight about them turning against me when they are older, i said why would they do that, I'm the only fulltime parent they've had for 18 months & will be until they grow up, I've never done anything to them, but love & look after them.
I think it was because even though he's seen them nearly every day rings on the days he doesn't see them been on holiday twice with them, since all this happened, he reckons I'm stopping him from seeing them!

There is no chance of them turning against you , but there is every chance that they will never be as close to him as with you , as they get older and get outside interests they will have less and less time to see him

gerturdeanna

As do all children when they grow up. My OH is certainly realising what he is missing althogh he is doing as I've asked and just seeing the children for the days we have arranged. They are speaking twice on the phone aswell and thats all they have at the moment. Even if we do work things out maybe in the future, this time apart will do us all good and make us bot reevalutae our lives etc.

gillm66

I was in this exact same situation many years ago when my son was 4 and my daughter 2.

My son is now 14 and has always spent as much time with his dad as he wants (harder now as ex has moved abroad) but 10 years on and my son recently said to me that he loves his dad and always will (as one would expect), but he doesn't respect him because of what he did to us as a family (it was the same situation....someone from work that we went out with socially - she too was married at the time - familiar story??).

Anyway, life was so so tough in those early days.......but we gradually picked ourselves up and moved on. Started dating before I was ready.....realised this in time and decided to stop and just concentrate on me and the children. The day I woke and realised that I didn't need a man in my life to make me complete as a person was a real turning point for me.........

Six years later, when I least expected it and was certainly not looking for it, I was lucky to meet a lovely man with whom I am now living with and life is great. The kids adore him (still spend holidays with their dad) and after much patience on his side, he taught me to love and trust again - something I thought I would never be able to do.

I so know where you are all coming from and wish you all well in whatever choices you make for you and your children.

G xx

basketcase

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

He was already asleep in there with DD, I know it sounds weird, but I didn't go near him, he didn't go near me, it's that we are so used to being in the same bed, I didn't see the need to wake him up & ask him to move.
I suppose I should've said sleep on the sofa bed in the hotel, but again didn't touch, until he held my hand in the morning, don't know what that was about!!

I think I'd have got out of the bed and gone to the sofa myself. I'm with Chip on this one (and I'm female!). You were (quite unconsciously I'm sure) sending out a message that, if he wanted you, you were available. That all he had to do was reach out in bed and you'd let him hold your hand, cuddle etc. I think we'd all agree that you gave him every chance to get back together. He didn't want it. All your hard work in maintaining your dignity could be wasted because he thinks he can get a little frisson by sharing a bed but "without doing anything".

Worse still, you're in danger of sending the wrong message to the children. Could DS be upset because Mummy and Daddy were sharing a bed, therefore it was all back to normal and Daddy was going to come home? This, coupled with not having a regular routine, could well be prolonging their insecurity.

I agree with other posters that you need to sort something out. Rather than being "curt" - and you have every right to be! - you could say something like "I don't think that would be a good idea. The children are confused enough by what you're doing don't you think?" This can apply to coming back to your place, just dropping in when he feels like it, kissing your head while reading your computer screen etc

Hope I don't sound harsh. Been through similar myself and think you're doing really well.

kizzykizzywizzy

I honestly don't know what to do for the best - I just don't want this life.
I hate it, I hate being on my own with the kids, I hate being lonely all the time. I hate not having someone who loves me. I hate not having someone to share the kids with, who loves them as much as I do.
I really really wish I could go to sleep & never wake up, I know that sounds stupid, when I know how lucky I am to have 2 lovely children, I just really can't live without him & don't want to live without him.
Yes I'm stupid letting him sleep in the bed, I just don't know what to do, I haven't had this happen before, even though he's told me over & over it's a no go, I can't give up on him. How can i just get over 21 years with someone?
Whatever am i going to do?

Pollycat

Hi Kizzy
I think you know he was talking a load of cobbers when he said about the kids turning against you when they're older.

Kids aren't stupid, (that 'privilege' is left for blokes whose brains are located in their nether regions :rolleyes: ) they see and understand a lot more than we adults give them credit for.

As long as you are there for them, don't try to stop them seeing your OH and try to minimise the visible/audible signs of friction between you and OH, they will work things out for themselves when they're old enough to stand back and review what happened.

You'l always be there for them, cheering them on at Sports Day, ironing their clothes, cooking their meals etc etc.
If your OH continues to see the moose, he'll have more demands on his time and will have to work hard to maintain contact with the kids as he won't be in the same house.

kizzykizzywizzy

I'm already feeling it's too long before they see him - next friday! So will probably let him see them one other day that week, as although I want them into a routine, I don't want to deprive them.
My friend has asked me to go out that Friday too, only for a few drinks, she's 40, so would like to do that, so would have to ask him to have the kids longer, or come around later for that one.
Also have been asked to go out the Friday after that with another friend, so perhaps Fridays might be a good day for him to have them, if I can get a social life back.
That's if I last that long, I just feel like my heart will break at any moment, I'm so unhappy