Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Kizzy do you not think it was remorse when he cried when you told him about DD?

No, I think he was upset that she didn't say - "NO I want Daddy there!" he probably feels she's already not too bothered about him! ( although that's rubbish they both love him very much ) & knowing the fuss she made on the monorail at A T because she wanted to go on the one that looks like a cow, it probably didn't feel too good, that she wasn't in the least bit bothered.
I also think I shouldn't have said that now, I just overreact when i see them upset, he doesn't have to put up with that part.
Fidget, yes we do need to sit down & talk, but I just get so fed up with him, laying down the law, talking over me constantly & if he doesn't agree to something threatening to pay less money, or go to a solicitor of court etc
I don't take very kindly to being threatened in one breath & being "friends" in another.
I honestly feel like saying stick the house we'll sell, split the equity, I'll rent privately until equity gone & then try & get help with rent or council property, I just do not want to be held to ransom by him.
I won't play games where the kids are concerned, I obviously know he'll have to see them more, i just want to get them a bit settled & have a minimum, which we can add to, if I need to go somewhere, or he wants to take them somewhere, but he is threatening to take money away, which will affect the kids, so I don't think that's right.

trancebabe

:wall: just wrote a long post then lost it!

It basically said that you and your OH have a duty to provide a clear timetable for time your kids to see their Dad. They probably haven't got a clue what's going on with all the hand holding, then bickering, then weekends away... it must be confusing for them?!

Someone else said it that you have to have to come up with a plan and stick to it. Let them know when they will see Daddy and you will find that this will settle them. Kids are more resiliant than you might think, as long as they're informed they have less insecurities.

Obviously it would be easier if he had a place of his own...

Good luck with it hun !!!! Kizzy }}

Gert - you have to be sure of what outcome you would like to see happening. Either way, there's no easy ride here - it's going to take a lot of hard work from you both to reach the end of the rainbow, possibly more than if you go it alone. But you and only you have that decision to make and whatever you decide, I wish you all the best. !!!! Gert }}

Night ladies... I'll be back checking on you all tomorrow

GeorgeUK

Kizzy - i think you're quite right.

He seems to be looking for reassurance, but isn't really getting it. He wants to be there so that his kids don't forget him now that he can't see them whenever he wants. In your earlier posts you also said that you were the one that made the decisions - it seems he's still lost without your guidance.

He needs to plan out what he intends to do to get himself sorted out before including the children in his "new life". He needs a place to stay and possibly a place for them to stay if they were to stay overnight with him. They need structure to their routine and he does not seem to have any structure about him. He will need to show that he can not only look after himself but also look after the kids too without your guidance.

I can appreciate that he wants to be there for the kids, but without getting himself sorted out, he's never really going to be there for them - he'll just be floating about and hoping to see them a few hours a week. That's not parenting - on any level.

trancebabe

Just read your most recent post about him threatening to stop some money...

*sighs

I had all that, which is why I moved into a rented flat with my daughter (OH was telling me what I could and couldn't have etc) and I pulled the rug out from under him somewhat.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is that he will always play that card whilst you're on these terms. He's got financial power over you and unless you redress the balance (legal and binding) you will always have this thrown at you

Not a nice place to be hun, and only you, and you alone can change that

kizzykizzywizzy

Yes once new mortgage kicks in, in October, will be going to the solicitors & getting the ball rolling, wanted to do it straight away, but have given myself/him this time, not only as we only got the mortgage offer on his money whilst at sea ( would never get one on the money he' on now in this climate! ) but I did hope he'd see sense, but perhaps it's more like I need to see sense, & will need this time to make sure I make any arrangements by using my head, not my heart, as still attached at the moment, hopefully by then i'll be feeling stronger EVERYDAY, not just some days.
thanks for your help

Fidget21

Fidget, yes we do need to sit down & talk, but I just get so fed up with him, laying down the law, talking over me constantly & if he doesn't agree to something threatening to pay less money, or go to a solicitor of court etc

This is probably very easy for me to say and a lot more difficult to do...but don't put up with it from him. You have to be more assertive with him. Call his bluff, say okay then, we'll run it through the solicitor. He will soon back down and back off. He is using this situation to exert his control over you. He has to do this because he is still scared...remember he is the one in the wrong in this situation so once legal proceedings start, you are on the better footing than he is.

I just think that the more he realises he can't bully you, the less he will try and the better the situation will be for all the innocent parties (ie you and the kids) involved.

Keeping_Motivated

Going to bed now, kizzy good luck in the morning with the ex, tell him something switched last night when you shouted at him and you have realised alot of stuff, tell him you were awake most of the night chatting to people and you think you finally have your head around things don't tell him what just leave him wondering, then sort out the access as amicably as you can. And apart from the kids leave him wondering exactly what is going on with you he doesn't deserve to know he has known too much for too long now, all he needs to know is that you have so much support you WILL get through this. Who has he got? He is far too safe in the knowledge of your feelings at the moment so time to cut that particular line of comfort off from him.

Night x

KM x

kizzykizzywizzy

Night KM xx

Yes Fidget, I will do, thing is I know he's paying way more than he needs to.
I just hate him having power over me moneywise, whilst I have to TRY not to have power over him childrenwise, & that's really difficult, because, I don't want them upset, but I don't think he should see them every day, there should be consequences for his actions, but I'm not going t hurt the children to hurt him.
At the moment they're getting hurt as they are mixed up, which is why I want them to have some space until next week, I'm hoping this is the right thing, but how do I know I'm not making things worse for them rather than better?
He said something tonight about them turning against me when they are older, i said why would they do that, I'm the only fulltime parent they've had for 18 months & will be until they grow up, I've never done anything to them, but love & look after them.
I think it was because even though he's seen them nearly every day rings on the days he doesn't see them been on holiday twice with them, since all this happened, he reckons I'm stopping him from seeing them!

kizzykizzywizzy

tesuhoha wrote: »

kizzy next time he wants to kiss, hug or hold your hand perhaps you should draw away from him and not just allow it. If this is hard then just think of where those hands, that mouth and other bits of him have been on the other woman because TBH you don't know what they've been getting up to. Hopefully that will put you off if you think about it in graphic detail.


Great bit of advice!!

tesuhoha

kizzy

giving them space won't do them harm because you will be removing them from the intense emotional atmosphere of you & ex together. That can't be a bad thing. Dont know whether hes doing it on purpose but hes got them all wound up and thats why they have trouble sleeping. You all need a rest from him. Blow his feelings, he doesnt think of yours.