Marriage over don't know where to start

Keeping_Motivated

gerturdeanna wrote: »

For all those that have been through an affair and come out the other side whichever way it went, did you ask the wheres, when questions? I don't know whether I want to know all the gory details but part of me does think I'll need to know to get over this whichever way it goes.
Your thoughts, please.

You've got to go with your instincts I think and sometimes we do need the gories even if it means more hurt, I suppose it depends on your personality, but the other thing to consider is would you get the truth even if you asked?

Keeping_Motivated

gerturdeanna wrote: »

I can see both points of view but my imagination is in overdrive and its making me sick imaging things, I think if I knew then I could move on whichever way.

I see what you are saying, sometimes we need to be armed with ALL the facts, warts and all, so we can deal with the FULL picture otherwise our mind plays tricks rather than just dealing with the facts. However like I already said how willing will he be to honest now?

scottishfreebiehunter

right had to go collect my son from school today as had a call saying he was very upset I am absolutely gutted called his so called father who is not even at work today not bothered one little bit :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:


Gert do not go there as it plays silly things with youre mindxx best not knowing believe me

trancebabe

gerturdeanna wrote: »

For all those that have been through an affair and come out the other side whichever way it went, did you ask the wheres, when questions? I don't know whether I want to know all the gory details but part of me does think I'll need to know to get over this whichever way it goes.
Your thoughts, please.

Gert Hunny... even if you ask those questions, how will you know that he's telling the truth?

I asked... then got an answer which I didn't think was the truth, wish I hadn't asked because any details were only hurting me further, then I decided that in the end the details weren't important.

Whether he cheated once or more than once wasn't the issue for me - he cheated, he left a note on top of the tv telling me that he found someone new, not to try and contact him because he'd left town... and suddenly I was alone with our daughter with no answers.

6 weeks later, he came back begging forgiveness.... damage was done no matter whether they did it 10 times swinging from the lampshades, in the car, on the kitchen table or whatever. I tried to forgive, but never trusted him again.

trust me - you know enough already so don't torture yourself!

belfastgirl23

gerturdeanna wrote: »

For all those that have been through an affair and come out the other side whichever way it went, did you ask the wheres, when questions? I don't know whether I want to know all the gory details but part of me does think I'll need to know to get over this whichever way it goes.
Your thoughts, please.

You will never get the full picture. And you will never believe you have the full picture even if you do get it. So my advice would be that you have to put this totally out of your mind. Which does take iron willpower. Personally I'd advise coming up with some sort of mantra that you repeat to yourself when the thoughts start coming. Different things for different people, you might want to sing 'I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair' or you might want to repeat 'I'm focused on my son'. But just try to do something to switch right off thinking about it. One thing I do when I'm trying to switch my mind off at night is going through the cast of Corrie alphabetically - it's just enough to distract me without being enough to frustrate me and I never manage to finish it It might be EE for you, or it might even be family members or something. But personally I think you have to REFUSE to think about it, REFUSE to give what they are doing any power over you. That could be the mantra 'They have no power over me'.

I know it is hard but it's like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets.

The other thing I was going to say - and this is from personal experience - is that as a child it is very scary if your parents split up. Again from personal experience it is even scarier if the parent in charge of you is drinking. I know what a horrible time you're having Gert and I know how tempting it is to have a drink. And once the kids are in bed it doesn't seem so bad. But I have terrible memories of hearing/seeing both of my parents drunkenly sobbing. I can't describe the feeling of isolation seeing the people you most love and rely on so unhappy and lost. The biggest thing I remember is feeling unsafe, both physically and emotionally. I just wanted to share this experience with you...

SuziQ

SFH I think it is pointless persuing your ex about your son being upset-you can't force him to think about the damage he is doing as he is oblivious to it at the moment. By calling him he will just see that as weakness on your part.It is very tempting after a break-up to jump on every oppurtunity to contact the person who's left. Second time around I don't contact him at all-and I know it irritates the life out of him as it makes him aware I don't need him! I very quickly learned,that whilst I can't control their dads behaviour I can do my best to contain the damage. This involves appearing strong and letting the child see that no matter what else happens/who else may let them down,you are steadfast and strong.
When I split with my first husband only my daughter was at school, and I went and talked to her teachers straight away to alert them to what had happened and so that they didn't start any 'daddy focused' projects and were aware of the reason for any upset or change in behaviour on her part. It's obviously been harder for you due to the holidays,but having the teachers 'on side' helped us enormously-and sadly they have a lot of experience in this area.

Even more sadly,my children all have several friends who's parents have split. One of my oldest boys' friends is on his third step-dad. They are 12!
Your son is probably fearful that having lost his dad (in his mind) he might lose you too. Lots of reassurance-as you are already doing-plus reminding him it is going to take time for all of you to get over this and rebuild your lives.

Rikki

SuziQ wrote: »

Your son is probably fearful that having lost his dad (in his mind) he might lose you too. Lots of reassurance-as you are already doing-plus reminding him it is going to take time for all of you to get over this and rebuild your lives.

This is so true.

You must now make a new stronger relationship with your son.
Involve him in day to day things. Depending on his age share chores, move furniture round to suit the two of you, ask his opinion on where to put a picture or an ornament, say your right that looks so much better there, thats a good choice. Help write shopping lists, ideas for meals, lots of different things like this. Give him a sense of how much he's needed and you will always be there for him as he is for you.

Don't show your anger at his father in front of him. ( so easy to say I know) I promise you there does come a time when you can tell your son exactly what happened.

scottishfreebiehunter

Thanks guys as now struggling of what to do next ,at least he smiled when I gave him a bowl of Scottish Strawberries as they taste better seemingly and said mum thought they were to expensive lol
He is 12 but loves his dad so much and a little softy at times and he turned round and told me he hated him today and I have to say no you dont etc etc
I know this is a tough time but we have Australia to look forward to well as much as we can,thing is once we are on that plane we will start to look forward I think

Pollycat

Quote:
Originally Posted by gerturdeanna
For all those that have been through an affair and come out the other side whichever way it went, did you ask the wheres, when questions? I don't know whether I want to know all the gory details but part of me does think I'll need to know to get over this whichever way it goes.
Your thoughts, please.


Gert
you KNOW that whatever answer you get will be devasting to you, but a lot of women (and I guess men too) find that it's like some bloody awful scab that you have to keep picking at - it hurts like hell but you just can't leave it alone.

If he's really gone from the house and the relationship is over, do try to let him keep the sordid little details of his infidelity to himself.
If you ask for details, he may goad you and lie to you with intent to hurt you even more than he already has done.
Whatever the answer to 'where/when', rest assured it won't be in a rose petal-strewn bed, or in a hammock on a desert island - it will be a grubby, sordid affair that demeans the word 'love'.

Try to just let it go.

SFH
I agree with the other posters.
If you ex-OH doesn't care about your son, ringing him up and berating him is not going to change things.
It might even gratify him to see that it's upsetting you.
If you have to, YOU need to be Mum & Dad for your son now, even if it's only for a short while until your OH comes to his senses.

SuziQ

scottishfreebiehunter wrote: »

Thanks guys as now struggling of what to do next ,at least he smiled when I gave him a bowl of Scottish Strawberries as they taste better seemingly and said mum thought they were to expensive lol
He is 12 but loves his dad so much and a little softy at times and he turned round and told me he hated him today and I have to say no you dont etc etc
I know this is a tough time but we have Australia to look forward to well as much as we can,thing is once we are on that plane we will start to look forward I think

Well done on that.

Deep down he knows that he could thrive with only you-I am sure you have been his primary carer anyhow. He shouldn't have to though,if only his selfish dad could get his head out of his backside and get his priorities straight.
The holiday will be a wonderful distraction and will give you both much needed space-you and him,away from the stress both of you will see that there is a fantastic life for you both,whether or not his dad comes to his senses.

I have had fantastic times with my kids over the years I have never let not having a partner hold us back (I even hired and drove a car in spain,even though I hated it and aged 20 years in 3 days!). My oldest boy was only 11 months when his dad left and I feel sad that he doesn't know what it's like to have a dad live with you,but my daughter says he's lucky as she does and had to adjust when he left.

Both of them have been allowed as much contact-in person,on phone etc- as they have wanted and their father allowed. They can pick the phone up anytime-which I think made a huge difference to them. My husbands kids were initially only allowed to recieve a call a fortnight-which was on speaker phone and their replies were monitored by their step father. They have had no contact with him for over 5 years,but one of them is now 'talking' to my daughter on facebook,and it's clear from the things he says and asks that he is totally screwed up about everything,even to the fact that his mother told him emphatically that our youngest child is NOT his half brother,whereas the step fathers 2 sons are.He has completely flunked his AS's despite being a very bright grammar school boy,whereas my daughter got straight A's at A2.
Who sounds the well-adjusted kid from those 2?

Take a deep breath and give it time. One thing I repeated to myself during my first marriage break up was I was blessed to have my kids,and that they were healthy-and living with me!!!