Marriage over don't know where to start

OberonSH

You're doing really well lady. It's you and your boy now - you get all the cuddles, all the love. Personally if ex is ging to be such a sodbag, I'd tell him not to bother until he can be more consistent. He can't just have all the nice saturday trips to MaccyD's, without the tears, the illness and the upset.

You're building your neew life from now. Right now. What are you going to do today that you weren't able to when the ex was around?

trancebabe

Obi's right - you're doing so well hun.

Plenty of reassurance for your DS is in order right now. Who know's what's going through his head what with all the changes going on, he must be feeling a bit abandoned and unwanted by his Dad (same as you do) and possibly a bit frightened.

Don't rush him... he will settle into it soon.

...and well done young man for your progress at school!

Rikki

julie2710 wrote: »

He has agreed to get rid of the secretary - going to give her notice tomorrow. Little Miss Practical me though - I don't want to risk the chance that she can sue the company for unfair dimissal, so he's going to make her redundant based on the fact that things are a bit quiet at the moment and the business can't support her salary! Means we'll (well our business!) will have to pay her notice and outstanding holiday. I also explained to the dopey idiot of husband that he'll have to keep his gob shut to his little mistress and never ever let on that I found out or he stands to lose his business!!! He probably has more to lose with that than me as it's his livelyhood - I have a job!!!
On the downside - not letting on that I've found out about their sordid little secret means I can't go and confront the b*t*h!! She knows me, knows I'm pregnant so how the hell can a woman do that to another woman? She also has a 2 yr old daughter - no wonder her husband left her! I know there's wouldn't be anything to be gained by confronting her other than maybe making her feel damn uncomfortable (hopefully) but I'll have to keep it all in!

I'm making some immediate easy budget cuts before I post budget and SOA. Told my neighbours today and they have been wonderful. Make me even more determined to stay where am.

Your situation is so similar to mine its like reading back over my life. Its spooky.

Both directors, she was my friend and his secretary. I found out weeks before I let on the them and I had some fun. I'd go into work and ask her awkward questions and watch her wiggle her way out and listen to he amusing answers. All the time knowing what was going on and to be honest enjoying myself. I knew the marriage was over. He destroyed all that by involving a third person.
Eventually he asked me why I was acting the way I was and I just said 'How long has it been going on?'. I'll never forget that embarrassed uncomfortable look on his face and watch him squirm in his chair.
'What?' ........ 'You and her?' He denied it but they knew I knew and that was all I needed. They also realised I'd know for a while and I think that made them feel even dirtier

He moved out and has never been in my house since and I divorced him for adultery.

Chip_Hazard

trancebabe wrote: »

Gotta agree with Suziq and Chip about the waiting to jump in again... I waited 18 months and I wasn't looking for someone even then, it just happened and Suzi is right, he had to wait a long time before I was ready.

In that 18 months, my daughter and I had a blast in our bachelorette flat, we really got close during that time (she was 5) and haven't lost that closeness since, I loved her snuggling up to me in the night when she couldn't sleep and the harmony we shared there was wonderful because there was no tension, just us. I didn't care that her Dad could have been out on the razz with god knows who... I was having something that money couldn't buy, and couldn't be repeated!

She's a teenager now and a beautiful well balanced young woman.

You really get out of kids what you put in... probably my best investment to date!

Went away for the weekend with my two to the Haven park at Devon Cliffs. It's my third time "away" with them although I have had them every weekend now for 3.5 years plus dozens of extra nights too.

There is absolutely nothing at all better than the unconditional love the children give us. Spending time with them helps to get to know them even more deeply. Knowing what makes them tick helps you understand them. When something frightens them, you can calm their fears; when they don't know something, you can tell them in a way they can comprehend; when they do something wrong, you know how to tell them it's not right without going over-the-top.

I made huge mistakes with my older two which can't really be undone now. I've just made sure I don't repeat them with DS2 and DS3. Spend time with your children, its the greatest gift you can give them. If I had a choice now between having a partner and compromising on what I've enjoyed these past 3.5 years or staying as I am, 100 times out of 100 I'd stay as I am.

In Devon at the weekend, it was getting dark and the sun was disappearing fast. We sat on top of the cliff ( well back from the edge behind a fence, I might add ) watching the tide come in. DS3 was sat next to me and leant over and rested his head on my elbow. He just said "You're the best dad in the world!"...not true by far but in his eyes I am and that's all that matters. Good job there were other folk about otherwise I'd have blubbed but openness, love and happiness like that can only come from your own flesh and blood.

SuziQ

Chip your post about your trip with your boys made me watery-eyed,I had so many plans with my 3 for the holidays and I have done NOTHING with them,partly because I am owed money once again by my ex and partly as I have had a major health problem flare up. My daughter is off to Uni in 2 weeks and I have been acutely aware that this summer break is probably the last time I have all 3 of them at home like this. If I have done my job well she will be off out of this and having a whale of a time!

My daughter has been desperate for me to ditch my husband for ages because his lies and ineptitude have been dragging us further and further down. I have had a stream of bailiffs,people who are owed money banging on my door-some of them threatening,he told me he had paid the mortgage arrears as agreed (I am owed over a years worth of wages from his business) and I have made a fool of myself arguing with people on the phone as I believed his lies that he had paid things. He got himself a new key cut and my daughter found him asleep in our reclining armchair one saturday morning-if I could afford to have the locks changed I would.
He has been alternately nasty,calling me a lazy ** because I am not working at the moment (yet I supported him through several periods of him CHOOSING not to work),self-pitying 'I've lost everything,life isn't worth living etc' and his current 'let me take you for a meal so you can have your say and I can apologise properly'. As if I want to socialise with him now?

I have made so many mistakes and until we are divorced and our finances completely seperated he will continue to drag me down-the business is still listed at my address and I can't change that as companies house have closed it down,the details therefore remain online for all to see and I get the hassle.

Even this morning I have recieved a letter threatening prosecution for one of his drivers running a red light (I am listed at companies house,so when he doesn't respond they send everything to me!)and a threat of a £5,000 fine for him not doing his annual return 2006/07.(which of course he had said he had filed already.)

He lies about anything and everything and is no longer aware he is even doing it. The only favour he has done me,is that his continued appalling behaviour and lies have just toughened my resolve to divorce him (I struggle with this as I became a Christian 4 years ago and married him as a Christian-everyone at my Church feels I am wrong for not sticking by him,although of course there have been things I couldn't or wouldn't disclose to them and which I wouldn't put on here either,just too personal and involves other members of my family. Lets just say one of the family is in counselling (has been for over a year)as a direct result of his behaviour.)

Some of my best mates over the years have been male,I really like men's company and getting their perspective on things,but I have no interest in living with one again or getting too close. I know not all men are liars-the same applies to women,however I have a very well-honed crap-o-meter now and I think that can make you come across as quite scary!

trancebabe

Chip_Hazard wrote: »

DS3 was sat next to me and leant over and rested his head on my elbow. He just said "You're the best dad in the world!"...not true by far but in his eyes I am and that's all that matters.

Ahhhh Chip... that's very lovely!

...if only you could bottle that feeling and sell it....

gerturdeanna

For all those that have been through an affair and come out the other side whichever way it went, did you ask the wheres, when questions? I don't know whether I want to know all the gory details but part of me does think I'll need to know to get over this whichever way it goes.
Your thoughts, please.

bank_of_slate

difficult one GA, It may well be better to know, your own imagination can be your own worst enemy, it'll run wild with scenarios if you let it.
...Linda xx

Skint_Lynne

Gert,

I am of the opinion that it is better not to ask the gory details. Not because of offending anyone or being nosy, but for your own peace of mind. You would only torment yourself by imagining all sorts of stuff.

Best to try and move on, after all, you haven't done anything wrong.

SL x

gerturdeanna

I can see both points of view but my imagination is in overdrive and its making me sick imaging things, I think if I knew then I could move on whichever way.