Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy

Just spoken to SIL, she didn't see him at all yesterday, he goes into work early & just came in & went straight upstairs.
She says she won't let him do that tonight! She is going to keep talking to him.
Thank heavens for her, DH had a row with her new year a couple of years ago & is so stubourn he didn't talk to her again until end of March, when my mum died & she phoned to say how sorry she was & that she'd look after the kids whilst we were at the funeral.
I tried to get him to call the day after the argument & he just wouldn't, so I don't think it's a good idea to pressurise him at the moment, so will not be trying to talk to him about anything, only kids & sorting bits for holidays.
I'd better get the kids some lunch - I'm neglecting them as I just can't think about anything else but this situation

kpwll

You're not neglecting them at all, you're concentrating on and fighting for their future as well as your own. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack, (that is not meant to be nasty). x

beanielou

^^^^^^^good advice!

Keeping_Motivated

Kizzy has the withheld number and putting phone down been happening regularly?

kizzykizzywizzy

No, just this once, it only rang one ring then stopped.
I know what it could mean, but both myself SIL & BIL have asked him, he says no, it would be easier if he had as he'd have a real reason.

bank_of_slate

Kizzy, just found this thread, I wish I could say something that makes sense but I don't know what you're going through.
Just know that you have lots of support here.
...Linda xx

SingleSue

Reading your story brought back so many memories for me.

Me and my (now ex) hubby had been together since I was 16 and he 21 , married when I was 19 (nearly 20) and he 24 (nearly 25) and had been through tremendous ups and downs during our married life.

Then all of a sudden he became distant - my first clue was the absence of cuddles and errr..... normal happenings in bed.

This went on for a few weeks until I started to put 2 and 2 together and amazingly (and depressingly) got 4. About a week or so before he started to act strange, I had given him the msn details of my best friend, unknown to me, they had started a cyber relationship, soon to move into a proper meet up under the guise of a lads weekend away in the north of the country (which I arranged the flights for!).

I gave him the msn details in the middle of August and the marriage was over by the beginning of October...after 15 and a half years married and nearly 19 years together.

The fact that he slept with another woman didn't actually upset me but his response and what he said did...basically it was all my fault, he hadn't loved me for years, I was boring, crap in the bed dept etc etc. He even said it was a shame I didn't have enough anti depressents and do the world a favour and top myself (I had just returned to work against advice after 19 weeks due to suffering from a breakdown although no-where near recovered).

I had always said to him that I would never forgive a person for sleeping with another outside of marriage (any person, not just him) but I could have (and probably would have) forgiven him if he had not said such hurtful things as I really believe he was doing a last chance fling sort of thing before heading into middle age , a bit of fun that went a little further than he expected.

He refused to leave our home, even to leave our bed and it was me who slept on the sofa for the next 6 weeks until he finally moved out, it was awful.

All the time he was saying it was my fault because I never had enough time for him, the house was never up to this standard and that depression was just my excuse to not to have to go to work and wasn't a real illness. The time could not be helped as we have 3 children, 2 of which are autistic and one of those had just been permanently excluded from school so I was running around like a headless chicken trying to get him to private tutors, appointments etc plus trying to do extra hours at work during the day on top of my normal evening hours (before the depression) and again once I returned to bring in some extra funds.

Finally after 6 weeks he moved out into a studio flat around the corner and I could start to get some normality into my childrens lives, he was also good enough to carry on looking after the boys in the evening so I could go to work...but only until the New Year. At the time I didn't put any importance to this proviso but it all became clear when he upped sticks and moved over 300 miles away early the following year.

So that left me at age 35 (nearly 36) a single mum to 3 children and unable to work due to the boys disabilities with a number of debts to still service....blooming scary!

Fast forward to now (nearly 3 years later) and I am still not working although I have started to do voluntary work in a special needs playgroup with the idea of getting work in a school to fit in with the boys.

I am still single due to not being able to get out to socialise.

The boys see their father very rarely and even then usually for not more than a couple of hours...not by my choice I hasten to add, I have always said he can have them as much as possible because I believe that both parents are important to a child but because he says he cannot cope with having them, although there has been a little optimistic movement there when they recently went up for his wedding and it all seemed to go ok.

BUT

Life is better, the depression is no longer an issue.
I am stronger
The children are happier
There is no more treading on eggshells feeling when he has had a bad day at work.
The debts have been paid through severe budgetting and going without.

I do still love him and I think I always will (just not in a bed department way) , he WAS my soul mate and they are very rare to find.

Hang in there Kizzy....

bank_of_slate

You should change your username to SuperSue!

...Linda xx

Keeping_Motivated

Oh Single Sue that is so sad how he treated you, bad enough he had an affair but to treat you like that too is just tragic. I hope his guilt lasts longer than your pain did. Did he marry your best friend?

You should be proud of yourself how you have moved forward with your boys despite how it must have been.

KM x

beanielou

SuperSue~You have done so well.Go you!