Marriage over don't know where to start

scottishfreebiehunter

Been there and as Kizzy said do not let him drag you down like this cheeky git that he is.
Mine tried that last night also on phone,telling me he will have very little left boo hoo
Then texted him today as son a bit upset and asthma going mad and could have sworn he was laughing what a !!!! so now he will be treated the way he has treated us.

gerturdeanna

There is a point to suffering all of this pain - these things are sent to try us! And we will end up okay in the end - it will take time, but we will get here!! We are all here to help each other. Its him thats going to be hurting the most in the end - not us!!
He will have to struggle financially etc etc - BUT THAT IS NOT OUR PROBLEM!! They chose this way, not us!!
WE WILL BE OK!!

Juneno

Hi girls,
I too have been following your stories. You are all doing sooo well!:T

I totally believe that all things - even horrendous ones - happen for a reason and I believe that you will all eventually go on to meet your true soul mates or just be happier in life as an independent person. Trouble is, you have to go through all this !!!!!! before you can look back and see why it's all happened.

Your OH's will very likely now have pretty horrible lives. After all, if they've cheated once they can/will do it again - and if the respective mooses have - then what makes the men think they won't do it to them?

No girls, you are definitely the better off for not having them anymore - be honest with yourselves now the initial pain has passed - could you ever trust them again?

Keep going the way you are - in the right direction for yourselves and your kids - only. Let them rot in the mess of their own making.

Remember, you are all classy ladies.
June x

Rikki

:hello: Morning all.

The big bad ogre has arrived.

So stand by your beds and adhere to all those promises you made to yourselves and be strong.

To yourselves be true. :T

.....and may warts appear on all the ex's little willies. :cool:

trancebabe

Morning Fabulous Girls

Another week started and I just wanted to wish you all the positive vibes in the world!

Take Care and look after you!
:A

Nx

PS Kassy - tell him to 'eff off', he chose this path... now he has to swallow his own medicine!!!

beanielou

tesuhoha wrote: »

kizzy

Ive just come on here very quickly before I go to work because I was thinking about you. I was thinking of an old saying, you've probably heard it, and I think its very wise and true and applies in this instance.

If you love someone and are unsure of them, then you should let them go, allow them their freedom. If that person loves you then they will come back to you. If they do not come back, then it was never meant to be and better that you released them.

Its time to let him go, kizzy.

Well that made me cry~dont know about anyone else.
Unfortunatly(or not as the case may be) its true.

SuziQ

In my first marriage break we initially remained friendly,went on a couple of centerparc weekends (seperate rooms!) he would sleep on settee Christmas eve etc. The kids have now told me how confusing it was for them,how it kept their hopes up constantly that we would get back together-and when after almost 5 years I met my second husband boy did my first ex turn nasty! All it really did was prolong the agony and leave everyone very confused. My parents warned me that I was painting myself into a corner and that it wouldn't work bit I 'knew better!'

You can remain on good terms without playing 'happy families' and preserve more dignity imo,but everyone has to do it their own way. All I know is that this second time I am doing it totally differently-been there,done that and regretted it.

Kizzy there will be a light bulb moment for you but you are not there yet-you still haven't accepted it is over,the lbm may take quite a while even after you have finally accepted it's over.

I personally feel the Alton towers trip is a bad idea and yes he is having it all his own way at the moment. Your kids will enjoy it but it will just be that much harder for them to understand when Daddy doesn't stay when you get back.
However you have to do things your way and it's all very well me dispensing advice when I made a total mess of my first marraige break up-and am now in the middle of my second :rolleyes:
Love can be so cruel.If only we could switch it off when someone does this,but we are only human and to all intents and purposes have no control over loving someone.

SuziQ

Kassy he can only drag you down if you let him. I was in counselling for 2 years before calling time on my second marriage. The most useful thing I leart is that whilst you can't control his behaviour,you can control your own reaction to it,and I learnt some invaluable tools during counselling-the most important thing being to decide on my own 'truth' about the situation. I have my truth and whatever crp my ex throws at me I will only adhere to my own truth and refuse to be manipulated into feeling sorry when the sitiuation is his fault.
Diazepam is addictive and you need to be very careful about becoming too dependant on it-it also stops you dealing with the issues,which will still be there when your tablets wear off. Are you recieving any sort of support or did your GP just fob you off with medication?
I had to laugh when my ex started to go on about 'paying towards a house I have no use of whilst living with my mum'-1, because he has paid nothing and we are 3 months in arrears,2 because he is living rent free with washing and cooking done by my sil. As I pointed out to him the government is supporting me,not him.I can't wait to get my surgery sorted out and start to look for employment-only then will I feel in control, and I can only pray that I won't get evicted before then.
Despite this I still have more peace of mind without him than I ever had with him and all his lies!

gratefulone

kassytbag wrote: »

Morning all - walk yesterday was good except near the end my oh rang and like a fool i answered it - he was ranting and raving about now having to live in a tiny flat, had no money would have to work forever to sort it all out and how i am ok cos im still in the house and the kids are ok with me - it just completley knocked me down again - i am on anti depressants and tranquilisers (diazepam) at the mo and when he goes off on one it just sends me down again - i couldnt sleep last night - when i did i woke at 5am and just for a second i felt warm and alright and then it hit me that it was really over andi was alone - cant stop crying and shaking - have to go to cab to sort out benefits and take daughter to get stuff for uni - can hardly put one foot in front of other - feel like is there any point in suffering all this pain

Dear kassy reading your post made my blood boil and my heart sink. Your ex sounds like a bully and if he is you are better off without him. You sound such a lovely person and he probably takes advantage of that by blaming you for all his problems. Don't let him make you feel bad or guilty - you are not to blame. Don't let him drive you to feel so desperate that you rely on potentially addictive medication to cope. The problems will still need sorting out and the meds can just delay this. Put those barriers up and keep him out - out of your heart, your head and your space until you feel able to deal with him without feeling so vulnerable. You will survive this and deserve much better. If he cannot speak respectfully to you do not let him speak to you at all - stay strong for yourself. You will get through this - remember what a good and loving person you are. You are stronger than you think - hang on in there.

:grouphug: :wave: :grouphug:

Chip_Hazard

Two great posts there, Kizzy.:T

As I've said before, the decision is ultimately down to you as there is only one person going through your unique situation. Others may be close, show similar signs and traits and even seemingly identical OH's behaviour, but absolutely every situation is different in some way.

My ex treated me badly, not as bad as you did, but she'd often go out picking up men in clubs etc while I went around herhouse and looked after both our two children and her daughter from a previous relationship. Even now, 4/5 years later she denies it all happened even when she's admitted it when drunk. She came home early one morning (3am) after being out with three of her friends and started slagging me off in front of them; this was after I'd given up a night out myself to go round her place to look after the three kids...:eek:

Thing is that next time she asked, I said "No" unless I had the boys around at my house. That way I could go to bed when I wanted and didn't have the responsibility of her daughter as well. Selfish? Maybe but in those days I went round with "mug" tattooed on my forehead.:rolleyes:

Point being that he seems to want his cake AND eat it AND come back for a second slice too. That is out of order, sorry Kizzy, I'd be embarrassed if I started treating my partner like that. As long as you let it happen, he will carry on doing it too. The selfish side of my brain ( thankfully smaller than it ever has been ) wishes I had a girl like you that would be at my beck and call and worship the ground I walked on. The vast majority of my brain says that this is unrealistic, unfair on the other person and that it simply isn't right.

I haven't mentioned this much on here but blow it. I married in 1991 and split from my partner in 1996, she left me but not for another bloke. There has never ever been a flicker of a chance of us getting back together but we've been great mates ever since. We've been to concerts together, football matches by the dozen and shopping trips with the kids. When we split up, we promised we'd be civil for the kids sake and nothing else and we have been. The older two are now 16 and 13 and are well-adjusted kids; one is doing brilliantly at school while the other left school with good grades and starts sixth form next month.

The point of this is that the kids knew that there was never any chance of getting back together. Okay, when we split, they were four years old and six months old respectively but I never stayed over at all, we never went on holiday together and I never showed any interest in their mother either. It was a clean break with attachments if that makes sense. They grew up knowing the situation was pretty black-and-white and accepted it that way.

Maybe, and it might hurt, this is the best way for you too. Your call though.;)