Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy

Gert, my ex doesn't get on & do anything either, I had to keep going on about him opening a bank account, he says he'll need a second job, but hasn't looked, he says he'll move in with his mum but hasn't asked her, they've had time to plan all this, you'd think they'd be a bit more organised!
When I asked him to leave originally he even had the cheek to ask me if I'd help him find somewhere!

Fidget21

Just tried talking to mine about access nights etc, its like talking to a brick wall

Gert, I think he is being obtuse because if he talks about it then it is actually happening. Could be a case of what he has done hitting home.

I'm regretting booking this now, don't know why.............

Kizzy, I think it is because it feels like a step backwards. You have taken the decision that you can get by on your own and have taken the first steps to doing so, but by booking this trip away and sharing a room (possibly even a bed) it feels like something that the Kizzy who was trying to win him back would do, not the Kizzy who is going to be fine by herself. Hopefully that made sense, I've been taking over from Gert and been on the wine tonight to commiserate it being the end of a Bank Holiday weekend. Anyways, you can still do this and keep things on an even footing. You just have to freeze him out a bit. If he comes on to you, you HAVE to refuse him (no matter how much you want him) and you have to tell him straight that it is because he doesn't love you anymore and is seeing someone else. He cannot think that he can just pick you up whenever suits him. It might even be worth going the whole hog and insiting that you each share with one of the kids, or agree to share with him but only if you top and tail. Whatever, my point is that you have to maintain control of the situation, keep the barriers up and not let him use you.

He gets to see the children and their easy to look after because your both there.
You suffering because he's there but not there for you.
Thirdly he would find it difficult to take the children out on his own and enjoy them if they didn't behave.

I have to say I do agree with this. I also totally agree with SFH that you have to do what is best for the kids. However, is the situation as it currently stands getting the children's hopes up and then dashing them? They need to see that mum and dad are getting on and are still friends and that all arrangements made that concern them are done amicably (even if they aren't) then they won't feel that their loyalties are split. But in the case of the ex OH he needs to take responsibilty for his children without being supervised to do so. At the moment he is getting the easy side of it because he is getting all the nice days out etc, while Kizzy is having to deal with all the additional stress and strain that being a parent involves.

scottishfreebiehunter

They arent putting up with all the tears and tantrums either and can have there own cosy little lifes and all the good bits of there kids


Oh dear more tears:rolleyes:

Fidget21

Exactly!

Have a hug and a tissue from me.

xx

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks Fidget, you have made a lot of sense. We will be in different beds.
Perhaps it is a step back, also it's because I know it's a long car journey, the kids will play up & he'll be all grumpy & I can't be bothered to put up with that side of him anymore, because I don't get the nice part of him anymore?
I could cope with his impatience before, because I was getting love & affection from him, to balance things out.
Kids have been told by me that Mummy & Daddy aren't going to live together anymore, but that we both love them very much & will still be friends, hopefully they understand?
He'll always get the nice days out, that's the way it will be now, unless I let him live in the dining room of course:rotfl: :eek: NO WAY

Fidget21

he'll be all grumpy & I can't be bothered to put up with that side of him anymore, because I don't get the nice part of him anymore?
I could cope with his impatience before, because I was getting love & affection from him, to balance things out.

At least with the situation he has created you don't have to try and cheer him up any more, you know what I mean, when they're grumpy you always try and do things to cheer them up, often making yourself feel a bit crappy in the process. In the situation now, it's not your place to. However, he has to make an effort not to be grumpy in front of the kids, or impatient with them. If he does, you need to politely and calmly ask him not to take that tone with them.

Keeping_Motivated

Kizzy re the grumpiness from him on the car journey DO NOT PUT UP WITH IT... Make it clear next time you see him that after all the trauma he has put you through you NEED this break and that if the kids misbehave on the way down, you expect HIM to deal with it and you would like him to deal with it in a calm rational way because you HAVE to deal with them ALL the time and if that was how you were (always grumpy) when they misbehved what would that do to them. So it is the least he can do for you ALL to be patient and to sort the kids out, sit back and let him Kizzy. Just pre warn him then he knows the way the land lies. Remember that is the only goodthing about this, you do not have to put up with the grumpiness you need to put him straight from the off.

KM x

kizzykizzywizzy

Very true & very liberating!
No I'm ok with him telling the kids off if they need it, but not just because he's tired/grumpy etc

kizzykizzywizzy

I'm off to bed, night everyone
Thanks as always :T :A :T

beanielou

scottishfreebiehunter wrote: »

They arent putting up with all the tears and tantrums either and can have there own cosy little lifes and all the good bits of there kids


Oh dear more tears:rolleyes:

Have to agreee with you there sad to say.
Though there are some exeptions.