Marriage over don't know where to start

catfriend_2

Hi I've only just found this forum but wanted to just let you know I went through all your torment and pain over 28 years ago - my 'other half' told me he was having an affair whilst I was in hospital having just had our second child and didnt even bother to pick us up from the hospital as he was having the weekend away with his married lover. Like a fool I struggled to keep the marriage going for another year but finally realised what a bas---d he was and threw him out of the home.
The first thing I did was get a good solicitor (he wanted me to vacate the house in February (whilst it was snowing with two young children) as he was desperate for money) and to learn to be honest with myself and my friends about what had really happened.
Its no good pretending things will work out - the person you married is gone and often in their place you have a cold hearted fiend who will stop at nothing. The truth is you have to learn to fight dirtier and harder. You have to be totally practical and THINK OF YOURSELF AND THE CHILDREN FIRST - what he wants is frankly irrelevent. The result ......I got the house , found myself a well paid job, got a childminder for the children and by the time the boys were 10 and 12 I could afford to take a loan to take them to Disneyland. All this with no child support as he either refused to work or later went to the USA to work.
My eldest son is now trained as a barrister, happily married , with a daughter of his own. My youngest son had lots of emotional problems as a child because he felt rejected by his father. For a long time I struggled to cope but never gave up on him. Now he is also happily with a partner and has a daughter of his own. Both of them know and appreciate the sacrifices I made for them and over time have realised how useless their father was and is.( He still only turns up when it suits him - like some jolly uncle bringing gifts from afar.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is - it may seem like the end of your world and every day seems like a lifetime, your heart aches and if it wasnt for the kids you feel life would not be worth living - but it DOES get better and whats more you regain your self respect and confidence. I have done things now on my own that I would never have thought possible - learnt new languages, travelled abroad on my own, made new friends and generally had a great time.
Its true what doesnt break you makes you stronger and I feel I have gained so much more than he ever will - I see my sons regularly and now the grandchildren - my ex has never seen his grandchildren - only photos.
I share their lives in a way he never could.
I really feel for you - reading your comments brought back all the raw emotions of that wretched time all those years ago - but you are not alone - this is the time to call on your friends and familys support - and to stand tall and show your children how strong you can be - both for them and yourself.
My love goes with you all.

Eager_Elephant

Hi Kassy

Just read the daily update and thought I would post about benefits.

Firstly are you getting the Child Benefit for your 14 year old. If you are great, if you are not then contact them on 0845 302 1444.

If Child Benefit is in payment you can also claim Child Tax Credit - their number is 0845 300 3900 - I think it is Option 1 for new claims. The people there are lovely and will talk you through everything.

Also as long as you have no other income apart from that above you can claim Income Support because you have caring responsibilities. You need to contact your local Jobcentre Plus (sorry not sure where you are) and the application form is normally completed over the telephone and then sent to you to sign.

I know you said about going slowly with completing solicitor forms which is a good idea but the above need to be done the sooner the better as they can't be backdated for too long.

By claiming these benefits you are not admitting defeat you are simply saying that he is not providing for you and you need some financial help.

Any more questions fire away.

EE

Buffythedebtslayer

I keep meaning to post this link. Love will save the day, the love you have for your kids and yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctpi3uI47Fk
Hope every one has a good sunday

xx

scottishfreebiehunter

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I keep meaning to post this link. Love will save the day, the love you have for your kids and yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctpi3uI47Fk
Hope every one has a good sunday

xx

crying again ,but words are very very truexxxxxxxxx

kassytbag

EE thanks for the advice - he has told me that he will cover mortgage and bills for the time being and give me a small amount to live on for food etc for the girls - would i still be able to claim income support?

I went to bed last night feeling quite strong - woke at 5am crying and crying - why oh why do i miss him so much? he now has his rented flat which i am not allowed to visit as it is 'his' space - although i suspect its their place - my daughters although 14 and 18 feel so hurt and betrayed by him but to be honest i am almost terrified of this wearing off and them staying over with him and playing 'happy families' with her and her son - the thought of that just cuts through me like a knife - why cant i stop feeling like such a needy cow who feels so alone - i miss the love so much

space_rider

Good for you Chip. I can call my ex husband lots of things but he has always been there for our girls having them Thu-Sun for 3 out of 4 weeks.I remember the first time he asked me to look after them and I had to say "hell no" as when I wanted to go out when we were together he always had reasons why he couldn`t babysit. He never asked again. It was hard saying no as I really missed the girls when they were with him but he needed to know that they were his sole responsibility.

Agree with you regarding arguing in front of the kids. We did it once and they were very distressed. Never again, it`s not right and it`s not fair on them. They must really hurt too.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks Buffy I've always liked that song, very inspirational.

Kassy, you can't suddenly stop loving someone you've loved for all those years.
I don't know what happens to them when they cheat, but they just cut all of thier emotions off for you, they just don't care about you anymore, because they've moved on. The thing is, now we need to as well, or they still have control over you, stopping you from being happy & yet they still do exactly what they want to.
Yes my deepest fear is my ex playing happy families with her & my children, who are so young they'd probably accept it.
Chip thanks for dropping in & all the things you say are right, just us women are soft so & so's at times.
EE - Thanks for the tel numbers I need to phone child benefit to find out my child benefit number for one of the forms.
To the other ladies that are on thier own, you've done so well, I just can't think about spending years on my own though, the last 18 months whilst he's been away & only back for weekends has been so horrible. I know this will be different, because I will be able to go out as he can babysit, but I just can't imagine myself alone for years.

Chip_Hazard

kassytbag wrote: »

.....and them staying over with him and playing 'happy families' with her and her son - the thought of that just cuts through me like a knife -

That used to be the part that hurt me most. As the non-custodial parent, every Sunday I had to hand them back to a mother who drunk too much, had a nasty, abusive partner that lived with them and couldn't give a hoot about their welfare. Her partner took them on holiday one year down to Weymouth even though he was banned from driving for a drink-drive offence. I was completely helpless.

Believe me, its far worse handing them back to a home where they will be ignored. I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone.

kizzykizzywizzy

Can't imagine what that was like for you Chip, at least I know my Husband loves his children dearly

Keeping_Motivated

Kizzy I hope today goes okay. Must be surreal for you coz you will have to be nice to him for the children but I am sure you will feel like screaming WHY and much more.

So good luck sending you strength to get through it.

KM x