Marriage over don't know where to start

catfriend_2

Dear Friends - for I feel I can call you that already as I feel I know you all so well. Be vigilent!!! Men can be incredibly hard and cruel - I know this is a sweeping statement but I'm afraid when it comes to break ups this is true 90% of the time. You must be strong and remember you are a person too and you count for something in this world.
I remember a defining moment in my relationship with my ex which may help you to understand your position is stronger than you think.
Thanks to a brilliant solicitor I had just got him to sign over the house to me in return for a small sum of money (he was desperate) raised through a remortgage - he was by now coming to visit the boys only intermittently - usually after much pleading on my part and my youngest son especially was walking on eggshells trying not to upset his father for fear he would leave.
He went through my papers (without my knowledge obviously!!) and discovered that I had, in fact , remortgaged for more money than I had paid him (using the excess for home improvements,treats for the kids etc) - he played hell - screaming and saying how he had been cheated (ironic that!!!!) and that he was going to leave straight away.
Something inside me just clicked and for the first time I told him straight that I didnt care what he felt about the settlement , that he had got everything he deserved and that if he wanted to leave he knew where the door was!
The thing was he didnt leave - he crumpled like a pack of cards - turned out in the end I held all the control - not him. If he wanted to see the children it had to be on my terms not his and there was nothing he could do about it.
You cannot believe the sense of freedom that moment gave me. I suddenly realised that although he had broken my heart I did not have to let him break my spirit as well. It hurt every time I saw him - I wanted him to love me like he used to - but at the same time I had the sense to see that if I LET HIM treat me like a doormat I would be a doormat.
You have much more control over the situation than you think - remember that and keep strong. I love you all.

Chip_Hazard

kassytbag wrote: »

Chip that must have been so bad for you i cant begin to understand - just remember you are the good guy here and have faith in you

It was bad at the time, Kassy, but I try to forget now. Her treatment of me and to a lesser extent, the boys, forced me into going for joint residency which I was unsuccessful in and parental responsibility / contact order which I won.

The worst bit of life now is taking them back after they've stayed. I've had them here since teatime on Wednesday and just taken them home fifteen minutes ago. The house is oh so empty, their crayons, pencils, PS2 and other stuff needs to be packed away. The house, the furniture, their beds still smell of them, their little innocent faces are everywhere I look. I'll need to pack their stuff away now, regain a bit of tidiness around the place and it will only be Wednesday when I see them again but it hurts so much giving them back.

We're off to Devon Cliffs, the Haven holiday park, next Saturday for two nights as its their most favourite place in the world...:j

kassytbag

Oh god chip - it hurts you so much i can feel it - im like you with smells - they really get to me - and the quiet and stillness - i really dont know what to say - people will say look forward to the holiday next week - but that doesnt help tonight - i will be on here back and forth this evening so if you want to chat or pm me feel free
you are not alone
x

gerturdeanna

I'm back!! Had a very relaxing night with the 'rents and a really nice day today. One of my friends has just texted and we are going for a beer or two tonight so I thought I had better jump on here and let you all know I'm alive still!!
Kassy - glad you have joined us - wish it could be in better terms!!

As someone has said before, yes, I do still love the man I married, but he isn't here right now. He has morphed into an evil, caniving(sp), nasty horrible, snivelling speciem of a man!! If he even resufaces again, then maybe we could try again, but until then the best 'punishment' I and all you others can give him/them is to get on with our lives and be happy. Who knows by the time, he has resurfaced, we may have found better, nicer, fitter, richer, lovely men!! Cos I'm sure there are some around - lets ask Chip if he is single!!hahah
I hope everyone is doing okay, it is hard but this is our lives at the moment and we have to now live them for ourselves and our kids. We are strong, independant woman and I want you all to write it on a pst-it note or something and stick it all over the house and whenever you see it, shout it out loud!! Convince ourselves and we will convince others!!
Must get kiddies bathed as they didn't have one yesterday and get myself ready for a night in the bars!! (again!!). Who knows, I may get swept of my feet by my prince Charming, John Cena!!!
Speak later guys and if anyone wants to, then do PM me.

kassytbag

Thanks gerturdeanna - its good to hear someone upbeat - i am writing the post it as i type!

annamc75

Having been at the wrong end of a long term relationship breakdown I can honestly say that what helped speed up my recovery was learning to be ME again. We spend our lives compromising and being different things to different people (eg mum, wife, daughter, sister, friend etc) we often lose the basic things that make us tick - hence ME.

Not saying that these roles arent important - it is just that as time goes on we pick up more roles (worker, grandparent, auntie etc) and when we have the time to be ME (when the kids leave home, when we retire etc) then it can be hard to find her under all this other cr*p we have accumulated along the way.

So start today spending a little time regaining ME and watch those films you loved but that he couldnt stand, play your music loud and sing along, get those books out the library, google that course you have always wanted to do etc. Start your long term planning to ease you through the present pain. Once you find ME again and start to like her you will realise all the compromises that you made to be wife.

Once I realised that I could be ME again I found that the future was much brighter and much more exciting and that this journey of pain and hurt that I was on only served to be a minor distraction in the bigger picture. I was then able to deal with the practical without the added pressure of the negative emotions.

It doesnt happen over night be the sooner you find ME again the quicker you will move on.

Good luck to you all

Anna x

Chip_Hazard

Single? Me? Most definitely but through choice, I think.

I'm quite selfish nowadays which is something no woman really wants in their man, is it? I value the time with the boys so much. I had a relationship last year from April to December with a woman who appeared to be my soulmate. Same age, similar interests, got on well with the boys but ultimately turned out to be a lying cheat. We parted nearly nine months ago and the whole thing set me back a long time in trusting women again.

I guess the best sort of girl I'd go for is the sort who has been treated badly themselves. That way, she'd know how I felt if she treated me bad and vice versa. Understanding where that other person's coming from is the first big step in making things work.

Look at my signature down there...says it all really, first line especially. It's from my second favourite all time record...Stevie Winwood's "While You See A Chance, Take It". My last signature had a good line or two as well. "I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone". That one is for the women who are undecided as to whether they can manage alone. It's from "Famous Last Words" by My Chemical Romance.:T

annamc75

Isnt it funny (and thanks to Chip for putting me on this train of thought) that when a woman wants a relationship she will mold (or should that be mould) herself into the ideal woman only to show her true colours later.

I know a female "friend" of mine who does it not only with men but also with women. You like X, she likes X. You hate Y, she hates Y. And on the list goes.

I think it comes down to being so insecure that they will sell their soul to be in a couple and then because everything has been built on lies it all turns to sh*t.

The good thing about this is that these mooses will have turned themselves into whatever your ex's wanted. Why is that good? Because one day they will realise that these women have lied, manipulated and conieved to get their man. Once they have him they will suffer PMS, disagree with them, stop thinking the sun shines out of their ar*es and no longer treat them like gods.

The whole "my wife doesnt understand me" is really "she understands me too well - you look gullable enough to believe I am a nice guy and run around treating me like a god."

Isnt karma great?

SuziQ

annamc75 wrote: »

The whole "my wife doesnt understand me" is really "she understands me too well - you look gullable enough to believe I am a nice guy and run around treating me like a god."

Isnt karma great?

Soooooooooooooo true!

gerturdeanna

So then Chip -single hey?!?! Wants a girl whos been treated badly aswell - PM either me, Kizzy and SFH!! hehe