Not sure what to do...

tyllwyd

Well, it is pretty obvious why you aren't coping! Nothing you've written looks high - in fact, if you manage to keep your groceries down to £160 per month, then you are doing brilliantly well.

To me, it doesn't look as if you can go any further forward without getting your OH on board. You just haven't got enough money to pay all those debts on your own. If he won't sit down with you and work out a joint SOA with a sensible amount for your housekeeping, if it was me I'd go and talk to one of the debt charities or the CAB. If you carry on as you are, the debts are just going to get worse, you need to get some advice (and if he isn't helping, advice about what it is best for you personally and for the kids, not what is best for your OH) asap.

aligerdie

milliemonster wrote: »

Hi aligerdie, I just wanted to send you a big hug and try and offer a bit of help, I'm no expert but as you and your oh are together and have 3 children together, he can't carry on as if he is a single bloke and his money is his etc, he has to grow up now and start facing his responsibilities to you and his kids as he is the only one working.

Sit him down and TOGETHER go through your combined monthly income and combined outgoings, I would then suggest setting up an account jointly where a proportion of both your incomes go in to cover all your outgoings as a family, then you can both still have your own accounts where you have your own spending money for yourselves, this should be the same amount for each of you (£100 or so for example), if he isn't prepared to do this I would seriously question why you are with him? he obviously wanted a family with you but he isn't prepared to contribute properly? its ridiculous!!!

Having looked at your SOA I can clearly see how well you have cut back as much as you can, don't be hard on yourself you have done so well hun! but you need to kick him into touch now or this is going to just spiral out of control

Everything you say is right, and totally spot on. I am beginning to wonder what is going on, so I think this weekend may be a little intense!

peb

There is no "worse"! You are lumbered with paying the bills off your small benefits - He is going to have to contribute and get his head out of the sand.

Sorry but you are going to have to confront him

Good luck

angelflower_2

i think you can see from this yourself....there is no way you can run a household and pay off the debts without his help. I think your soa is great and clear - how you manage to feed you all for that is beyond me!

This is what you need to show him. If he cant see quite clearly you CANNOT pay the debts, then you would be better off without him (not really but you know what i mean).

What I would draw his attention to is the money you have means you cannot clothe yourself or the children, you cannot put money away for christmas, birthdays etc (I know you have budgeted for £10 but would like to bet you spend more that £120 in a year on this). I would suggest to him that you need to pool your money (not necessarily in practice but at least on paper) so you can get a true refection of where you are as a family. Not even a magician will be able to keep up with the payments, he needs to understand this isnt bad money management.

What a journey you have been on even this morning, just keep going, you will get there.

Gemmzie

Hi aligerdie, are all of the debts either in your name or his? No joint debts?

aligerdie

tyllwyd wrote: »

Well, it is pretty obvious why you aren't coping! Nothing you've written looks high - in fact, if you manage to keep your groceries down to £160 per month, then you are doing brilliantly well.

To me, it doesn't look as if you can go any further forward without getting your OH on board. You just haven't got enough money to pay all those debts on your own. If he won't sit down with you and work out a joint SOA with a sensible amount for your housekeeping, if it was me I'd go and talk to one of the debt charities or the CAB. If you carry on as you are, the debts are just going to get worse, you need to get some advice (and if he isn't helping, advice about what it is best for you personally and for the kids, not what is best for your OH) asap.

Yep, its pretty hard keeping the groceries down that low. The kids are fed well, so I just eat when I can.
Everything you say is right. I am starting to get tired of struggling on my own, I may as well be single as I wouldn't have so many debts! I may show him this thread later and see what he says.
I'm worried about next week though as we're going to visit the 'outlaws' for a few days, he always spends so much money when we go there, and I know we're going to argue!

Dithering_Dad

I think you really need to sit down and ask yourself why you're with this odious man. If I were you, I'd throw the bills at him and tell him to sort them out, then have a bit of a break at your Parent's.

Blokes like this never change, they're better off living on their own , then their miserly ways don't impact anyone else.

Marriage is a joint venture, with both partners shouldering the responsibilities, not one person worrying about money and the other one doing whatever the hell they please.

Actually, if I were you, I'd walk out and never come back. Life's too short for a life of drudgery like this.

aligerdie

Gemmzie wrote: »

Hi aligerdie, are all of the debts either in your name or his? No joint debts?

no joint debts at all.

aligerdie

Dithering_Dad wrote: »

I think you really need to sit down and ask yourself why you're with this odious man. If I were you, I'd throw the bills at him and tell him to sort them out, then have a bit of a break at your Parent's.

Blokes like this never change, they're better off living on their own , then their miserly ways don't impact anyone else.

Marriage is a joint venture, with both partners shouldering the responsibilities, not one person worrying about money and the other one doing whatever the hell they please.

Actually, if I were you, I'd walk out and never come back. Life's too short for a life of drudgery like this.

Don't think I have read anything that makes so much sense in a long time. Only problem is if I throw the bills at him then they will just be ignored. He does not open ANY letters at all.

Dithering_Dad

aligerdie wrote: »

Don't think I have read anything that makes so much sense in a long time. Only problem is if I throw the bills at him then they will just be ignored. He does not open ANY letters at all.

Whether he opens the bills or not won't matter any more, you'll be well out of it.

You're his wife, not his parent. It's time he was given a bit of time to get used to his responsibilites - preferably a LOT of time.

Financially, you and the kids would be better off without him, you'd get more benefits and he'd be forced to pay you a decent amount of maintenance.