Single and in debt.

SuSu1871

SuSu1871 wrote: »

I read a good problem page response in the Sunday Times today. It was titled "Do I have a chance of finding love again?". Some sound advice in there. Forgive me for not retyping it all, but doing the lazy thing and including a link:

(hope this works)

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/aunt_sally/article5207981.ece

Hi all

Sorry, I re-read this article and realised it was rather focused on someone desperate to get married and have babies, which might not apply to some of you (I'm up for the marriage, but not really sure on the babies front, but that's another story)

I'm 37 and have been single for nearly 6 years now, and prior to that I've never lived with a boyfriend, never been on holiday with a boyfriend, and have never had a relationship go beyond 8/9 months. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but look at it from a different point of view: I've never settled down but I've had lots of honeymoon periods! Soo they don't work out, but I've had more fun than I've had heartache.

I used to worry that there was something wrong with me, but I know deep down that there isn't. I'm a good person, I've just made some bad decisions, that's all. One of my bad decisions was to stay single because it's the best way to avoid heartache. The decision was mine to make and it's mine to change. I know how plan A goes. Let's see how plan B goes for a while...

sarahb123_3

SuSu1871 wrote: »

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your comments and support :grouphug:

I wouldn't have agreed to see this guy again if we hadn't been introduced by a mutual friend. I told her about the text thing and she was like :eek: and said it was really out of character (although obviously she only knows him through work where he's all professional).

Anyway, he knows he was out of order and that I wasn't happy with what he said. He also knows that he'll have to work hard to win me round. I quite fancy someone making the effort, tbh!

I'll see how it goes anyway, but there definitely won't be any jiggy jiggy this year and I'll make sure he knows it! :rotfl:

Maybe he's been attracted to your new found fame as a Radio 5 star:D

SuSu1871

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I can't think about men. its all too complicated and silly. I am afraid of getting hurt and being used and I don't see that changing. I honestly think the type of men I am attracted to are that type(nasty two timing ) and until I grow out of that I will leave men out of the equation.

out of debt nice job, car and house. I can do all that myself. anything else is a bonus.

I know what you mean Buffy. I've certainly met a rotter or two in my life, and that's why I took the decision to wait till I'm debt free and have my own house, which will be 3/4 years, so I'll be about 41.

But....what do I think will happen then? Do I think I'll magically meet someone and fall in love? Do I think I'll be more likely to trust my heart then than I am now? I've been single for 6 years. When I have my house I'll have been single for 10 years. It's not going to get easier the longer I leave it. I think I need a few practice runs before going for the big one!!

The good thing about getting hurt again and again (you have to try and find the silver lining) is that you know it passes. It will pass and you will learn and become stronger. I want to ease my heart back into practice before it goes from stronger to brittle.

Blimey, I'm really digging up my soul tonight! I can't even blame the drink :rotfl:

sarahb123_3

SuSu1871 wrote: »

Hi all

Sorry, I re-read this article and realised it was rather focused on someone desperate to get married and have babies, which might not apply to some of you (I'm up for the marriage, but not really sure on the babies front, but that's another story)

I'm 37 and have been single for nearly 6 years now, and prior to that I've never lived with a boyfriend, never been on holiday with a boyfriend, and have never had a relationship go beyond 8/9 months. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but look at it from a different point of view: I've never settled down but I've had lots of honeymoon periods! Soo they don't work out, but I've had more fun than I've had heartache.

I used to worry that there was something wrong with me, but I know deep down that there isn't. I'm a good person, I've just made some bad decisions, that's all. One of my bad decisions was to stay single because it's the best way to avoid heartache. The decision was mine to make and it's mine to change. I know how plan A goes. Let's see how plan B goes for a while...

I used to think this was just me, I have only had short term relationships as well, never been on holiday with a boyfriend or lived with one, never had a relationship get that far, 9 months is about my maximum. Unfortunately I can't say I've had more fun than heartache though:rolleyes:

I do want to have shildren, which is why I feel time is slipping away, but I would far rather be alone than be trapped in the wrong relationship, especially if children were involved. Have decided to take some time off from searching though as it was driving me mad and I have other things I need to do first, lose weight, wrestle debts to the ground etc. Then I can try Plan B.

southernscouser

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I can't think about men. its all too complicated and silly. I am afraid of getting hurt and being used and I don't see that changing. I honestly think the type of men I am attracted to are that type(nasty two timing ) and until I grow out of that I will leave men out of the equation.

out of debt nice job, car and house. I can do all that myself. anything else is a bonus.

That's how I'm feeling right now aswell!

Change men to women though. :rotfl:

Buffythedebtslayer

sarahb123 wrote: »

I used to think this was just me, I have only had short term relationships as well, never been on holiday with a boyfriend or lived with one, never had a relationship get that far, 9 months is about my maximum. Unfortunately I can't say I've had more fun than heartache though:rolleyes:

I do want to have shildren, which is why I feel time is slipping away, but I would far rather be alone than be trapped in the wrong relationship, especially if children were involved. Have decided to take some time off from searching though as it was driving me mad and I have other things I need to do first, lose weight, wrestle debts to the ground etc. Then I can try Plan B.

Yep me too, 3 relationships all short all ended badly and then one on off thing that was dragging on till this summer - its ended now but not badly - although I don't see the guy or speak to him.

I wasted my 20's being in love with men who were not remotely interested or kind. and was almost doing the same thing with my 30's. but its stopped now.

some times I quite like my life its only when I compare my self to my friends that I feel bad and inadquate. so i don't do that!

SuSu1871

sarahb123 wrote: »

Unfortunately I can't say I've had more fun than heartache though:rolleyes:

I think there's a twisted bit of wiring in our brains that makes it difficult to forget the bad stuff. Like, you can carry a criticism around for years but brush off a compliment immediately. I think that with exes it's a safety mechanism - it's easier to think only of the lowlights rather than the highlights.

But...there must've been good bits or you wouldn't have been with them in the first place. I have some lovely, funny, sweet, sexy, romantic memories of each of my exes, yet each relationship ended painfully, and each ex is a rotter in his own right. However, I don't want the ending of the relationship to define the rest of it. That's how you get into thinking all men are bar-stewards!

I wouldn't like it if a man thought I was a bee-atch because all his ex-girlfriends were. I'm not. At least I don't think I am - you'd have to ask my exes!

Clean slates all round please!!

SuSu1871

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I wasted my 20's being in love with men who were not remotely interested or kind. and was almost doing the same thing with my 30's. but its stopped now.

Yeah, the good thing about being older is that you know sooner if someone's stringing you along, and you're more in control to be able to ditch them.

some times I quite like my life its only when I compare my self to my friends that I feel bad and inadquate. so i don't do that!

I find myself comparing my life with that of my friends and I envy them their husband/children and all that. But you know what... they envy me too! Me and my no ties! Who'd have thunk it! The grass isn't greener!! :rotfl:

PinkTwirl

I will feel like a failure if I don't get married and have kids and I do wake up in cold sweats because I'm 31 and have been single for 2 and a half years. I don't want to end up on my own. I did live with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. It was fine at the beginning, but I became a drudge and he didn't care about me anymore.

I've met 4 guys I've found attractive since. One tried it on and had a girlfriend (only after s*x and I said no). Another I kissed but asked for s*x and I said no. Another I met in a supermarket and he was cute, waited outside the supermarket for me and walked up to his car with me (we were parked nearby it turned out) but nothing. 4th was very cute but no idea, at a party, friend of a friend, he was probably attached.

Been asked out quite a bit (this is going to sound a bit ridiculous but I can say it on here as no-one knows me, about 15 times so far in the past couple of years), but no-one I'd want to know as a friend, never mind anything else.

I just didn't want to be one of the single for eternity ones. Probably why I clung on to my ex so much as I didn't want to be on my own again. But he did treat me like dirt.

So yeah, maybe better not to settle.

I did ask a few guys out in my teens. They all said no. I swore I would never do that again. It's never done me any good. So I've only ever had one boyfriend. Maybe that is my lot.

sarahb123_3

SuSu1871 wrote: »

But...there must've been good bits or you wouldn't have been with them in the first place. I have some lovely, funny, sweet, sexy, romantic memories of each of my exes, yet each relationship ended painfully, and each ex is a rotter in his own right. However, I don't want the ending of the relationship to define the rest of it. That's how you get into thinking all men are bar-stewards!

Exactly, the beginning is always great, the butterflies bit, and I love that bit, it's just when you get deeper into the relationship and you find out they have problems or want different things, it's so disheartening, I always used to think I could get them round to my way of thinking. It was a big change for me to realise you have to accept them as they are, and then see whether it is worth continuing.