Desperately wanting a family - but don't think partner does

sadbunny_2

I've finally written down everything I feel about having children, wanting them with him (not just anyone!) and what I think he feels are the obstacles.
I gave it to him at the weekend to read when he has time to sit down on his own. Things have been busy with his kids and our families over the past few weeks and I wanted to make sure that this wasn't rushed because other things got in the way.
Hopefully the letter will at least show him exactly what I'm feeling, without me being there getting emotional, and go some way to addressing the fears/worries that I think he has.
Fingers crossed - I seem to be surrounded by babies and my step daughter has taken to asking me everytime she sees me when her dad and I are getting married and when we are having a baby..

rchddap1

Even though you've written a letter you'll still have to talk to him about it. You may still have to approach him and at least ask him what he thought of your letter / note. You know what some men are like....stick there head in the sand and it'll all go away.

Does your partner know how your step daughter (and presumably his daughter) feels about the marriage and kids thing?

sadbunny_2

rchddap1 wrote: »

Even though you've written a letter you'll still have to talk to him about it. You may still have to approach him and at least ask him what he thought of your letter / note. You know what some men are like....stick there head in the sand and it'll all go away.

Does your partner know how your step daughter (and presumably his daughter) feels about the marriage and kids thing?

I know that I have to talk to him about it and we've talked lots already. I just wanted to write things down as I find it hard to talk about it without getting emotional and that doesn't help anyone. He certainly is a stick your head in the sand kind of guy sometimes and I know that he needs a push to do lots of things!
He does know how his daughter feels and turns it into a joke with the two girls, partly I think because he knows how I feel about it. The younger one particularly is asking the questions loads recently. The thing is that I know that he wants us to get married and I would love that too - just want kids to be a part of the future as well

SkipE

Sadbunny I really feel for you. I cant imagine what it would be like to be in this situation. You must feel so torn. Me, my husband and I are on the same life path. Prior to marriage and when our relationship got serious we had that talk. What did we want out of life, kids, house, travel etc. all that stuff. It all matters even things down to our religious beliefs, how to deal with finances to things like whose job it is to load the dishwasher!!!

It must be very difficult for you as he already has kids. Hes happy for you to be a joint career of his children and be their step mother. Does he acknowledge how you feel even, if he doesnt agree with it? The only answer is talk, talk, talk no matter how emotional and upsetting there is no other way.

Hugs Bunny, and keep talking. x

ailuro2

You can talk till you're blue in the face, but if he has decided he doesn't want more kids, then you will not change his mind.

What matters to you most? Your partner or leaving someone behind who is a little bit of you to be remembered by?

I do know a couple who had one child each by their previous partners. Things went well, they got married and he decided he didn't want kids, she decided she did. Lo and behold they had a little accident but they were also separated before the child was one year old, I don't think he could get over the betrayal of what they had agreed.

Think long and hard before making any decisions, it's not fair to knowingly bring a child into the world knowing one of it's parent's didn't want it, but on the other hand you may have met your soulmate and it would be wrong to give him up for the sake of a biological urge.

hth,

Ailuro

Little_Pickle

sadbunny, just wanted to bump and ask how the letter reading / talk went?
hope you're okay..
xox

rchddap1

A bit curious myself.

consultant31

ailuro2 wrote: »

You can talk till you're blue in the face, but if he has decided he doesn't want more kids, then you will not change his mind.

Think long and hard before making any decisions, it's not fair to knowingly bring a child into the world knowing one of it's parent's didn't want it, but on the other hand you may have met your soulmate and it would be wrong to give him up for the sake of a biological urge.

Ailuro

Wrong though it may be, the only way I would have ever had my much loved son was to have had my coil removed without telling my husband.

He had never actually said he didn't want children just did lots of muttering whenever I brought the subject up and said he'd talk about it later (of course later never came).

So, I did what I felt I had to do since I had always planned on being a Mum (the only job I ever wanted actually). He was quite shocked when the news broke, but from that very day he started looking to their future and we went on to have 3 children together.

He's a brilliant Dad, even better than I expected and the children are the centre of our lives (all grown up now).

We're to be grandparents soon and at the moment he's not saying much but I just know that he'll take to that role just as he did to being a Dad.

What I'm really saying is that some men don't like change and need a good old-fashioned kick up the bum to show them how good change can be.

I guess you have to know your man inside out and be prepared for him to walk away and leave you as a single Mum, but for me, that would have been preferable to never being a Mum at all.

Good luck whatever you decide to do