Desperately wanting a family - but don't think partner does

sadbunny_2

I am a regular poster/browser on MSE but am posting under a new name today as this is v sensitive to me.

I have been with my partner for a number of years and we have a house together. We aren't married but would both like to. He has two daughters from his previous marriage who he sees every weekend but has a difficult relationship with his ex who only tends to involve him in decisions re schooling etc if she needs him to sort something out or if he pesters her to find out what is happening.

We are in a great relationship and very settled but the huge sticking point is children. I really want us to start a family but whenever I talk to him about it he says that he doesn't think he can give me what I want and that he doesn't want any more children.

I haven't brought it up again recently as it usually ends up with me crying and him feeling bad for me getting upset. Its very hard for me to describe things to him logically as it is just a huge desire that he obviously can't understand. I've tried writing things down in black and white to try and detach myself slightly but haven't had the balls to give it to him yet.

He loves his daughters but didn't have a huge say in their upbringing when he was married and feels like he has even less influence now.

I have a largish family and nieces and nephews that I dote on but don't have many close friends to confide in as we have moved a couple of times, the last time to be near his children.

I seem to know so many expectant mums and new borns at the moment - I suppose I'm getting to that time of life - and it is tearing me up inside..

I just wish that he felt the same as me as things are great apart from this. It is starting to affect us now though as I am getting upset and snappy easily (not normally like this) and he doesn't understand why.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for the virtual shoulder to cry on.

completelyspent

I can really relate to what you are saying and want to give you a [virtual] hug.
I'm in my mid thirties and want children more than anything but partner not in a place in their life when this can happen.
I think you do need to discuss this again but perhaps write out a letter of exactly how you feel so then you can out in a more 'logical' way how much you want children-although wanting children isn't about logic (if that makes any sense).
Has your partner said why he doesn't want any more children? Perhaps he felt his last relationship changed because of it, perhaps he's afraid yours will too.
I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting children and you shouldn't feel like you should need to justify it.
Good luck and sorry I don't have any proper answers...

Sarahsaver

Your relationship is 'great' as you say but this is a major issue.
if my OH didn't want kids I would not have married him, and the thing is by being with him for a considerable time you have in a way made a commitment, i suppose from his point of view you have moved the goalposts. Maybe you just need to be 100% clear about what you want and if he will not give you that you have to make a decision.

galvanizersbaby

Hi Sadbunny

Did you and your OH discuss having children when you got together and brought your house etc...?
Have you always felt this way and communicated this and has he always maintained he didn't want any more children?
I think you need to be honest with each other and sit down and explain to him how important it is to you.
Not sure what else to suggest - you don't say your age when you got together but most men would understand that a lot of women at some point in their lives will want to have children x

kizzykizzywizzy

You have really got to sit down with him & discuss this, it's really important to you.
I know what the feeling is like to really want children, although I didn't have that feeling until very late 20's! & couldn't have children until early 30's due to neg equity & living in a 1 bed flat!
I'd imagine he's once bitten, twice shy, but that is slightly unfair on you, as you haven't had the experience of having your own baby.
You may , if it's really that important to you - walk away, there will still be no guarantees that you will meet someone who wants children, but if he is sure that even in the future he won't want them, he needs to be straight with you.
This is a big moment in your relationship, I don't know how old you are, but that could be a factor too, if you wait too long, it may not happen ( not trying to scare you ) just dependant on age you may need to make the decision sooner rather than later. Good Luck

JennyW_2

Sarahsaver wrote: »

Your relationship is 'great' as you say but this is a major issue.
if my OH didn't want kids I would not have married him, and the thing is by being with him for a considerable time you have in a way made a commitment, i suppose from his point of view you have moved the goalposts. Maybe you just need to be 100% clear about what you want and if he will not give you that you have to make a decision.

i agree. These sort of life decisions need to be discussed sooner rather than later in a relationship.

It would be unfair to pressurise him into having children if it’s not what he really wants. Your relationship will ultimately breakdown.

Do you love him enough to stay with him and accept things as they are or are you willing to start your life over with another man to have children?

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and I’ve never wanted children. I made this clear at the beginning of our relationship and my husband was happy with this decision. We both know where we stand and what we want. It’s never been raised since and we’ve been together 12 years.

You have a choice of 2 paths – it’s as black and white as that I’m afraid . Good luck.

full-time-mum

This is a relationship problem so have you considered going to Relate?

I'm sure that they would help you both discuss your feelings towards (more) children. Hopefully, they would enable you to discuss the issues without either one of you feeling bullied by the other or it ending in a slanging match.

If you were my friend, I would be very concerned that you were considering getting married without sorting this out.

My advice is to get help and get this issue out in the open NOW before it causes any more resentment. If he really doesn't want a baby with you, you are going to face a difficult decision but it would be better to do that now than when your time clock has ticked passed the point of no return.

Good Luck :grouphug:

pukkamum

At the end of the day if you definately want children and he definately doesn't no amount of talking is going to change either of your minds. This unfortunately is invariably going to lead to a break down in your relationship. My friend stayed with a man for ten years hoping he would change his mind about having them and he never did, eventually she left him and luckily met someone else and she is now pregnant, but she still resents the fact that she is having her first baby at 38 because she spent so long waiting. If you want children you have to find someone else who does, if you give up on having them because of your dh you will end up resnting him. hth x x

sadbunny_2

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I'm certainly not thinking of jumping into marriage with such a big thing hanging over us but just meant that we are both very committed and want to be married one day.

I'm 27 and he is nearly ten years older which I know is a factor. He feels like there are lots of things that he hasn't done yet and is keen to travel etc.
We never really talked about kids at the beginning and I think I read too much into the fact that he already had two and that more wouldn't be an issue - feel foolish now!

I'm struggling with all this. I really want to have children with him, not just anyone. The feeling of broodiness is overwhelming and very hard for him to understand I think.
Part of me thinks that we have a great life, he has two kids and I have nieces/nephews so there are plenty of kids around but I still have a longing for a biological child. I know that if we broke up I may still not have a child and then I would have thrown away a relationship for nothing.

completelyspent

I'm 34 and I'm still in a position where it isn't going to be possible for me to have children right now and perhaps I will end up leaving it too late I should have walked away from a previous relationship sooner for the same reasons. At 27 you have some time to play with but if you feel that strongly now about having kids it is only going to get stronger.

divorcingjack

Hi sadbunny,

I know exactly how you feel, although I have the opposite problem! I am the same age as you, and am starting to think seriously about children in the next couple of years.

My mum and dad took 10 years to conceive me, due to unexplained infertility problems, and I am paranoid that I am going to have problems too. My OH is more than happy to have children, and we have talked about it. Unfortunately, he refuses to get married!

He's happy to commit to children, but not marriage!!! I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall! :mad: We (well, me..) are thinking about going to Relate.

Just wanted to send you hugs, because I think that you might have to have the same really difficult conversation that I am dreading.

best wishes (and if you want a rant, just PM!)

dj