Desperately wanting a family - but don't think partner does

sadbunny_2

Thanks for all your kind replies and views. Its such a difficult position and one that I never imagined I would be in.

I certainly don't want to force him into a situation as this is not a good start for a family. I also know that we may never even have children even if we tried so all this heartache may have been for nothing. Its hard to explain the 'need' to have a child and I think its especially hard to understand if you are a man (don't mean to offend anyone). I would be quite happy to try and am not pushing for fertility treatment or the likes, just the opportunity to have a child together.

This has been an ongoing situation for a couple of years. Some friends of ours were in a similar position and did the 'what will be will be' route and now have a two year old. I think though that this route really means that both parties are happy to have children (if not desperate to have them) and I don't know if my DP feels that way.

I hadn't considered counselling over something like this and will look into it but DP isn't that kind of person really. Will have to look into it and then think about broaching it to him.

I'm also going to try and write down exactly how I feel to try to stop emotions getting in the way when we talk. (I had tears down my cheeks reading some of your replies this morning let alone talking to DP).

I honestly do want this relationship to work. I think DP thinks our life would be a lot different to how it is now which it obviously would be to a degree but I don't think he realises quite how much happier I would be too.

It doesn't help that I get asked regularly by various people (including his two kids) when we're going to have children..

RebekahR

divorcingjack wrote: »

Hi sadbunny,

I know exactly how you feel, although I have the opposite problem! I am the same age as you, and am starting to think seriously about children in the next couple of years.

My mum and dad took 10 years to conceive me, due to unexplained infertility problems, and I am paranoid that I am going to have problems too. My OH is more than happy to have children, and we have talked about it. Unfortunately, he refuses to get married!

He's happy to commit to children, but not marriage!!! I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall! :mad: We (well, me..) are thinking about going to Relate.

Just wanted to send you hugs, because I think that you might have to have the same really difficult conversation that I am dreading.

best wishes (and if you want a rant, just PM!)

dj

I am in exactly the same boat as you. Except my OH gives me the later later replies to the when are we getting married questions! Doesn't want to be forced into it. Although I do not call 6 years waiting being forced!! A decision needs to be made eventually.

In fact if anyone is reading this who wants to get married and currently does not live with their parter. I would say don't move in together. It is the worst damn thing I did! Means he can procastinate over these important decisions longer. I actually set myself a time limit which is fast approaching. Makes me sick to think of it. Would be easier if I didn't love him. I could walk out that door and sod it. But he is someone very special and I just can't bring myself to do it. We shall see ... As to regards the having babies. I have an extremely strong instinct for this and have shed millions of tears over it. I keep trying to tell myself now that it won't ever happen. Doesn't reduce the pain anymore tbh. He doesn't want children but said he would have them because I want them. Lucky me. Although i'm scared as to whether this will make him a bad dad or not?? The worst thing is seeing all these happy new mums and dads and seeing dads pushing the babies or carrying them. I can never see that happening to us with all this later later later tosh ... God I hate life :mad:

swiss69

From a male point of view we can never understand this "longing" to have a child. Almost all of my friends had children mainly because their wives wanted them at that time!

I am in a similar position to your partner in so much as I have a child from a previous relationship and I absolutely adore him. Having been through a divorce I didn't feel the need to A) Get married again or Have any more children. Having explained this at the time to my current partner she said it didnt matter as she just wanted to be with me. Needless to say, years on, her views have changed from a carefree 20 odd year old to a "time is passing me by and the clock is ticking louder" early thirty year old. Despite my feelings having not really changed that much, I had to accept that if I did not soften my views then ultimately I ran the risk of her walking away from me before it became too late. I did not want this to happen and I decided that my fears (which mostly stem from the break up of marriage 1 and the fear of losing another child) were something that I needed to get over and hence marriage is on the cards with the possibility of a baby to follow if we are lucky enough! I have said that one is all she will be getting though as to a degree I am compromising on my views so it is surely only fair that she does too!

I remember the day that I moved out of my first home and cant tell you how much it hurt me to leave my boy and watch him cry... Years on we still have a very good relationship as I do with my ex wife but I can see where your man is coming from and perhaps if you can get him to open up about his fears then you may have something to work with.

If he is adament then I think you need to discuss the possibility of splitting up as your need will never go away and you could end up very resentful of him.

rchddap1

It is possible that he thinks he's too old now to be starting another family. My partner is now 37 (sorry hon) and we have a 19 month old together. Believe it or not he was the one desperate to have kids. He said that he really wanted a baby, but he would love me and be with me whatever. Eventually I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and did it for him. And I am glad that I did. In fact sometimes I take my lead from him and he has had kids before and I am new at this. He is great with our little one, and the teenagers he already had love her to bits. We are one (rather odd admitedly) happy family...albeit a touch disjointed as the girls don't live with us.

As an additional note. He has lost kids before birth, so he knows how it feels to lose them. He was afraid of that, and only now having been through what we have (see my sig) do I fully understand.

But I also know the other side of the coin. Another member of my family fell in love with someone who did not want any more kids come what may. He told her to leave because he knew she wanted a child. She didn't and she married him. She loves him to bits and decided that she needed him more than anything. She is sad that she doesn't have a child of her own, but she wouldn't give up her hubby for all the tea in china.

You both have to talk about this calmly and rationally. You need to work out what is important to you. and then you both need to talk to each other about it.

However the comments above you do need to heed. If it is that important to you then you can't let it go. This is a need or desire that is hard to forget about. You should see my other member of family as soon as kids are around...she dives in head first....you can see how important they are to her. Be honest with him. And let him be honest with you. A simple 'no kids' isn't good enough here. You need him to explain his reasons.

Good luck.

divorcingjack

RebekahR wrote: »

I am in exactly the same boat as you. Except my OH gives me the later later replies to the when are we getting married questions! Doesn't want to be forced into it. Although I do not call 6 years waiting being forced!! A decision needs to be made eventually.

In fact if anyone is reading this who wants to get married and currently does not live with their parter. I would say don't move in together. It is the worst damn thing I did! Means he can procastinate over these important decisions longer. I actually set myself a time limit which is fast approaching. Makes me sick to think of it. Would be easier if I didn't love him. I could walk out that door and sod it. But he is someone very special and I just can't bring myself to do it. We shall see ... As to regards the having babies. I have an extremely strong instinct for this and have shed millions of tears over it. I keep trying to tell myself now that it won't ever happen. Doesn't reduce the pain anymore tbh. He doesn't want children but said he would have them because I want them. Lucky me. Although i'm scared as to whether this will make him a bad dad or not?? The worst thing is seeing all these happy new mums and dads and seeing dads pushing the babies or carrying them. I can never see that happening to us with all this later later later tosh ... God I hate life :mad:

Yup, know where you are coming from there! We're 5 years, and I am getting sick of the 'when should I buy a hat??' conversations. It's so horrible because we love them .. the bu**ers! Have you considered counselling?

I am steeling myself to suggest going to Relate about it, but I can't bring myself to have the conversation, because I only want to hear one answer! You know what it's like...

Thinking of you..

dj

RebekahR

divorcingjack wrote: »

Yup, know where you are coming from there! We're 5 years, and I am getting sick of the 'when should I buy a hat??' conversations. It's so horrible because we love them .. the bu**ers! Have you considered counselling?

I am steeling myself to suggest going to Relate about it, but I can't bring myself to have the conversation, because I only want to hear one answer! You know what it's like...

Thinking of you..

dj

Yes we went to a wedding 2 weeks ago and it was one of our best friends. In fact he was with another friend of ours when we got together, they broke up and both found new partners and she was at the wedding to with her new partner! She is engaged to be married next year along with another friend of ours who is getting married next year also! Lets hope is happens in 3's ... ! Must be my turn surely we are the last couple left! Yes we had the whole when are you getting married tosh and I told him before we left I will just join the others in looking at him for the answer ... I am thinking of counselling but tbh I don't think he would go. I can't get him to make a doctors appointment let alone go to something important and potentially life changing as counselling. That I do. Lets hope its our turn soon. I have given myself til the end of October. We shall see.

mrcow

RebekahR wrote: »

Would be easier if I didn't love him. I could walk out that door and sod it. But he is someone very special and I just can't bring myself to do it. We shall see ... As to regards the having babies. I have an extremely strong instinct for this and have shed millions of tears over it. I keep trying to tell myself now that it won't ever happen. Doesn't reduce the pain anymore tbh. He doesn't want children but said he would have them because I want them. Lucky me. Although i'm scared as to whether this will make him a bad dad or not?? The worst thing is seeing all these happy new mums and dads and seeing dads pushing the babies or carrying them. I can never see that happening to us with all this later later later tosh ... God I hate life :mad:

Okay - I'm going to make myself unpopular here.

Why are you with this person?
Someone who actually makes you say, "God, I hate life."

Please don't give it the "because I love him" line......there are many people out there who you would love and would actually make you happy and give you the life that you dream of.

Why would you settle for someone who makes you feel so desperately wanting inside? You only get to live this life once and it sounds like you are selling yourself very short.

Why wait until October? What's going to have changed by then? A marriage and a family isn't something that you should have to twist someone's arm over. You both need to have the same dreams and goals for this to work.

What's going to happen when you turn 35 and are still waiting for a marriage and he's still saying no to children? What about when you are 38? 40? 45? Too late?

Then you can sit back and think at leisure of the life you could have had and the family you dreamed of that you sacrificed because you stuck with the wrong love.

Why be with someone who makes you feel this unhappy?

morganb

I totally agree with MrCow; my first question to OH when we first met was 'Do you one day want kids', if he had said no, then there is no way I would have continued in a relationship, I always knew I wanted kids and didn't want to waste time on someone who didn;t. And I know that sounds very calculating but, as Mr Cow says, you only live once. I only have to think of the daily love and joy that my two children give me to know that my directness was the right way.

viktory

Bringing a child into the world is a HUGE commitment and no one should have their hand forced. You need to have a calm, rational talk with him. You need to tell him how important it is to you and he needs to tell you how agin the idea he is. If he is adamant that children with you is not the life he forsees then you need to decide whether to stay with him and remain childless or leave.

Sounds simple but of course, those pesky emotions will get in the way so I wish you the very best of luck.

Pssst

It is clear that this guy doesnt want any more children. He already has some. In addition,he is ten years older. He also has been open and honest with you about it which is to his credit. If you continue with this relationship then you will suffer. Best thing to do is to sit down,explain your differences and make plans to separate.