Desperately wanting a family - but don't think partner does

Amanda65

Pssst wrote: »

I suspect that most kids just happen and that they are not meticulously planned. After that,couples just deal with it.

As a mother of 3 planned children, much thoguht through to make sure we were in a good place financially and emotionally (the money thing all went to pot after they came along and we realised just how expensive they are :rotfl: ) I would say that many children are meticulously planned.

Part of that planning however was making sure that I was with a partner that I knew wanted my babies as much as I did. There is nothing so sad as an unwanted child - one of my best friends OH's gave in to her pleading for another reluctantly and, 15 years later, she is a single parent of a DS who has no relationship with his father. Even if the OP is prepared to go through parenthood alone if the worst came to the worst, how sad for the child, who has no say in whether they arrived or not?

I really really sympathise with the OP and can understand the dilemma she is going through but think that depp down, if she really does want a family, she knows the decision she has to make, however hard.

Sarahsaver

With my sons my ex and I just wanted kids but not to any particular plan.
it turned out theres only a 14 month gap between them :eek:
Things then started to go wrong, ex using illegal substances, violence, verbal and physical. Even told me to abort the youngest one if i didn't like how things were. he was ok after the youngest had been born but then soon reverted back to his old ways ans I HAD to make the best decision for my kids and I which was to be a single parent.
The youngest is now a gorgeous 7 year old who just proudly brought his school report home and is 'above average'.
i suppose what this all means is even if you plan kids or want to have them, things can still change after you have them.
Now thankfully remarried and awaiting the arrival of child no.4
i also wanted a career - or so i thought, but in truth i went back to work because otherwise all our money would have - literally- gone up in smoke. i hated seeing my babies in the morning briefly then at bedtime, I missed them so much. Same with DD when I was with her dad I was the chief breadwinner and I hated having to go back to work when she was 3 months old (he practically refused to support us financially)
i am SO looking forward to not having to go back to work this time.

full-time-mum

Lots of people are saying that you have to make the decision as to whether you want to
1. Stay with this man and remain childless
2. Leave and have a child with someone else.

The flip side of this is that your partner has to decide whether he wants to
1. keep you and have a child with you
2. Let you leave becasue he doesn't want more children.

You have to let him know that one of the options that is open to you (and I have deliberately refrained from say that you are considering) is leaving to have a child with another, as yet unfound, man. You have to make the decision to stay/leave have/not have a baby together.

CB1979_2

all this and you don't even know if you can actually HAVE kids.

seriously how gutting would it be, you leave the love of your life for this burning desire and you can't even have kids.

sadbunny_2

Thanks again for the comments. We have discussed things several times previously and he has said 'are you going to leave me?' to which I have replied no that isn't what I want.

I know that it seems weird and I can understand people questioning why I am asking him to justify why he doesn't want kids whereas maybe I am not justifying why I do. I find it very hard to describe exactly what the burning desire is. I love kids. I love teaching them, playing with them, watching them learn and experience things. It just seems like the most natural thing in the world to me but I suppose not everyone thinks like that.

I also fully appreciate that I may never be able to have children naturally anyway and that all this soul searching may be for nothing. I don't want to give up a longstanding relationship for something that may never happen. I suppose what I do want is the option to be able to try and to see what will happen.

I've spent hours going through things in my head and if he wasn't able to have children then I think it would be different. It is the not wanting to try that is particularly upsetting me, especially as he already has two of his own.

Kimitatsu

I have read this thread with interest becuase when I first met my (now ex) husband he said he didnt want children and I took it on board but when it came down to it - I did!

So we had children but our marriage didnt last, he couldnt do the dad bit - his words. Now I have met my 2nd husband and my first point to him was that I had 2 gorgeous boys and that we all came as a package - take it or leave it. Thankfully they liked him, he liked them and 8 years on we are all still very happy.

But there are a couple of points I would like to make, nowhere in here do I hear you say you want HIS children, just that you want children. Does he know that you want his children not just anyone's? That it is important to you that you are connected in that way?

The second one is, how does he feel as a dad? You say he has two children already but does he feel that he is a good dad? that he has failed them? The breakup of any marriage is traumatic, even more so when there are children involved, and the emotional scars are there forever no matter how much you move on. Maybe he needs to understand that no-one is a perfect parent, we are all stumbling around in the dark when it comes to kids.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide, my points are only as an outsider looking in, and ultimately only you can decide what is best for you.

rchddap1

He won't want to try if he doesn't want kids. Because trying brings up the possibility that you may get pregnant. My family member decided that her man was more important to her that her urge for kids. Even though it was always there and still is (she spend a whole afternoon running around the garden after a 4 year old and my 20 month old....on her own!).

But she was honest to herself and what was really important to her. She decided that he was more important than a child. You have to do the same.

As for wanting / not wanting kids urge....I can only comment on the female side. And I was not interested in any way shape or form. Now I am a proud stay at home mum of a completely loopy 20 month old. Draw your own conclusions

Listen to yourself. Imagine yourself 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years down the line. Would you be happy with no kids...no grandkids? If the answer is no then you need to try to explain to your partner. Yes he has kids, but you don't. And 'step'-kids aren't the same. My step-kids are special to me....and I love them dearly...but they aren't mine. They never will be.

bookduck

sadbunny wrote: »

.. I certainly don't want to force him into a situation as this is not a good start for a family.

Don't want to be harsh, but forcing him into a situation is the only way to start a family. Not the best start granted, but better than no kids.

I think it is very wrong for him to have 'his' kids, you contributing to them, their lives and see his family line progress, while you are denied kids - The cookoo bird comes to mind

You could put things slightly different like asking since he does not want to be a father again, would any of his family contribute to sperm donation, or would he go with you to help choose the father from a sperm donation book? I think he would grasp how important it is to you.

Time/age is not your friend and there may be more to life than kids. However if you are desperately unhappy, want kids and feel that you will end up resenting him for not letting you have the opportunity, then I'd leave, as there is no future in the relationship and it is going no where.

Yes, it is hard. End of the day you alone know what is best for you and which path to follow. Hopefully you will choose the right path that offers opportunity, rather the the easy path that goes no where.

Puzzledbubbles

I dont normally comment on these posts, its too hard TBH.

But this time i cant keep quiet......

I think you have to look at this logically because even the best laid plans go to waste.

DH and i planned kids, spoke about them from when we first met really (he has a massive family) we fell in love (within a week i knew he was the one lol) were together a year then got married, then 2 months after we were married he got ill and we found out we can not have children.

Fertility is not an option for us and to be honest nor is adoption at the moment.

Now we are approaching out 2 year wedding anniversary and we should be starting our little family which can never happen now.

I am happy with my husband and love him completely.

Please dont spend your life waiting for someone to change, if he wants to change he will, if not you will wake up in 15 years time and will realise the chance to have those children you desperately want has passed you by.

If you really disgree on something as massive as having children you need to decide if you will truly be happy if it never happens.

HTH

Spendless

sadbunny wrote: »

I know that it seems weird and I can understand people questioning why I am asking him to justify why he doesn't want kids . It is the not wanting to try that is particularly upsetting me, especially as he already has two of his own.

To me it's not that he doesn't want kids, it's that he doesn't want any more, which to me is totally different to not having any children, which is what he's asking you to do.

I have a female friend whose 1st marriage broke up due to her not wanting to have children. She re-married and in her late 30's changed her mind. Her children were born when she was 39 and 42. So I'm aware people can change their minds at quite a late stage.

I have 2 children. I don't want any more. I have both social and medical reasons for not wanting any additions, and that wouldn't change if I was no longer with their Dad.

What a difficult situation you are in.