Desperately wanting a family - but don't think partner does

Oldernotwiser

My best friend was in exactly the same position as you when she and her partner went to Relate and at the end of their counselling programme her partner had changed his mind. Now, obviously this might work the other way round but that would be good too if you decided that the relationship as it stands is better than the chance of having children.

I was pleased that you said that if you split up there'd be no guarantee of your having a child and that you might find that you'd discarded the love of your life for nothing. Too many people think that there'll be a suitable man around the corner and that conception is possible for everybody. Keep this thought in mind as it's an important factor.

CB1979_2

wow - me being a bloke, i really don't get this.

you are ecstatically happy in your relationship (bar this one thing), have a loving partner and you love too.

and you're ready to throw that away, cos he doesn't want kids?

what would you do if you can't have kids?

not a dig i just don't get the "must have a child mentality", sure it'd be nice but i'd much rather be in a loving relationship being with the person of my dreams than a single parent cos a breakdown in a relationship cos i was forced into something.

i can see where both of you are coming from, but why not just say to him then you won't "actively" look to get pregnant, but you won't be using contraception anymore, if it happens it happens, kind of thing.

I couldn't be dealing with all the "my temperature's right" and all that malarky.

lastly how long you been together?

if his reason is cos he has missed out on doing stuff like travelling then why not start all that stuff and readdress this in a couple of years??

Smashing

CB1979 wrote: »

w but why not just say to him then you won't "actively" look to get pregnant, but you won't be using contraception anymore, if it happens it happens, kind of thing.

Were you absent the day they did sex education at your school?

Not using contraception = actively trying to have a baby in my book.

CB1979_2

Smashing wrote: »

Were you absent the day they did sex education at your school?

Not using contraception = actively trying to have a baby in my book.

nope doesn't mean that at all.

i meant by not actively trying to conceive, ie body temp is right, eating certain foods that "help" you get pregnant, etc etc

all the BS that's in the "Trying to Conceive" thread & books you can buy.

as i said, i couldn't be dealing with all that shat.

Errata

I think you both understand each other very well. He's quite clear and explicit that he doesn't want a child or children with you, you're quite clear and explicit that you want a child or children but only with him.
Mexican standoff.

onlyroz

If he really, genuinely, doesn't want any more children then it would be unfair on you to force him. You need to find out how adamant he is, and then make a decision based on how much you love him and how much you really want children yourself.

flea72

CB1979 wrote: »

wow - me being a bloke, i really don't get this.

you are ecstatically happy in your relationship (bar this one thing), have a loving partner and you love too.

and you're ready to throw that away, cos he doesn't want kids?

not a dig i just don't get the "must have a child mentality",

but this debate could be relating to any part of a relationship. Take the word 'baby' out of the euqation and the debate is the same. Would you waste a relationship on someone who didnt have the same goals and ambitions as yourself.

Her partner wants to go travelling. What if travelling is something she doesnt want to do. As a man, does it ultimately mean he can just walk out and go see the world, or would he also be prepared to give up his dreams for her? How about, she says ok, well go travelling, once the baby we have together is old enough to be left alone. Would he be prepared to meet her half way - she gets the baby she wants and he gets to travel.

You say you dont understand this 'must have a child mentality'. im sorry, but its nature for humans to procreate, and its natural for a womens body to have these feelings. Its not the same 'must have' feelings, as you get over material products, and you cant compare the 'need' as being on the same level

You say you dont understand how someone can be ready to throw away a relationship because he doesnt want kids - well look at it clearly - he obviously had that choice in the past, as he has kids - the reality isnt that he doesnt want kids, its the fact he doesnt want them with the OP - hmmm how would you feel in that situation - valued?? an equal partner?? worth sticking around??

But unless they have this out and open as a couple and discuss it directly now, then the OP could still be here posting the same Q in 10yrs time - but by then she could be too old to find someone who values her enough, to have a child with her.

Flea

Stephb1986_2

If you really desperatley want children and he's adamant that he doesnt want children there is only 2 options.

1. leave him have kids with someone else
2. put up with it and never have children

I think he's being selfish as he has his own kids and if he loved you that much he would give you what you want.

Good luck

Steph xx

findingmyownway

Of all the posts I've ever read, none has struck a chord with me the way the OP has.

6 months ago i was in the same situation. Settled with partner, great relationship with stepkids etc. We disagreed on the whole marriage / more kids thing and had done for a few years. I thought it was something we could brush under the carpet, that one of us would change our mind eventually.

Unfortunatly my relationship ended a few months ago. The differences in life expectations weren't the only problem but they were probably the biggest factor.

As much as you might be hoping the good points of the relationship can outweigh your doubts, i think this will only get harder with time.

If the choice comes down to this man & no kids, or another (equally good) man and kids - which does your heart say you would be most happy with?

In the end the choice was taken from me, he ended the relationship. But it only took a few days for me to see that it was entirley the right thing for both of us. I am single at the moment but i know my next long-term relationship will be with someone with compatible ideals. I have learnt from experience that some differences just cant be overcome, no matter how much you love each other.

Good luck, i know what a hard decision you have in front of you.

Smashing

Stephb1986 wrote: »

if he loved you that much he would give you what you want.

Loving someone isn't about letting them always have their own way.

Going by that logic, if she loved him she would drop the issue.
Neither party is in the 'wrong' here, they simply want different things from the relationship. Far worse for either party to unwillingly go along with the other and end up resenting them.