Desperately wanting a family - but don't think partner does

k1mmie

Sorry have to agree with the latter posters. You have to want the same thing to make it work, especially when it is about something as life changing as children. Sometimes, love is not enough!

At your age, I do not think that you should have to make compromises. Think about how you would feel in 10 years time, with no children.

bunty109

My friend was with a lovely guy on and off for 5 years over similar issues. They split on at least 2 occasions becasue he was adamant he didn't want marriage and kids and she did. It was strange as he was so good with children, but he just didn't want them.

After the second time they split he came back to her and said he really didn't want marriage but would compromise on the child front.......she ogot back with him and it turned out he never meant that. He still didn't want either and she finally ended the relationship realising that altough she loved him she really wanted a family.

A couple of years on and she's engaged to someone else. He already has kids but wants more with her and she's really happy......it was a really tough decision for her to leave her ex (and he was a lovely bloke), but in the end, she realised that he was happy as he was and she wasn't....

vixarooni

Maybe im being a bit dumb and niave here, but if it were me i would wanna know what my man is thinking of for the future, where he is heading and where he sees himself. If you cant ask questions like that to the person you love who can you ask?

I asked my boyfriend at 19 if he wanted kids, if he wanted marriage. I know thats pretty young but you gotta know these things. Perhaps i just knew we would be long term or more even back then, but if he ever said to me i dont want any children then i would leave without question. I cant begin to tell you how broody i am, and like a previous poster my mum and dad tried to have me for 13 years and it worries me constantly that i will have problems concieving, so i dont believe i can take my time over this for a second. If he couldnt have children it would be a different matter, i think there would always be a little hole left unfilled but as long as he still wanted children i would be fine and we would adopt.

Communication is the biggest factor in a relationship i feel, i know jack all at 21 i know, but what ive learned is that you gotta talk about how you feel open and honestly and say whatever is on you mind, however scary it might seem. My honest opinion is to tell him outright how you feel, suggest the relate thing that others have said and if he is still against children then leave him.

My views are probably really selfish, and i apologise if it seems a bit harsh or one sideded but that urge to have a baby is so unbelievably strong, i think it can cloud your vision at times. Perhaps you yourself need some time out and evaluate your life and what direction you want it to go in.

Good luck, hope you find the courage to talk to him and come to a good conclusion for both of you.

swiss69

To most men having kids = No sleep, no sex, no money, non stop worrying for 21 years, trading in the BMW convertible for a Citroen Picasso people carrier, trading dinner at a romantic restaurant for a happy meal at mcdonalds or wacky warehouse. Trading your week in a boutique hotel in Italy for a Thompsons superclub holiday, trading golf for family days out, giving up your season ticket at football, getting home from work and having to spend the next hour listening to baby/kid talk, attending parties with people you dont know, pretending you really did enjoy the two hour infant production of the three wise men when your child only had a one word part! Worrying about school/college/friends/growing up/future etc....

Is it any wonder we are a bit reluctant!!! :rotfl:

Before anyone slates me I am joking;)

DKLS

swiss69 wrote: »

To most men having kids = No sleep, no sex, no money, non stop worrying for 21 years, trading in the BMW convertible for a Citroen Picasso people carrier, trading dinner at a romantic restaurant for a happy meal at mcdonalds or wacky warehouse. Trading your week in a boutique hotel in Italy for a Thompsons superclub holiday, trading golf for family days out, giving up your season ticket at football, getting home from work and having to spend the next hour listening to baby/kid talk, attending parties with people you dont know, pretending you really did enjoy the two hour infant production of the three wise men when your child only had a one word part! Worrying about school/college/friends/growing up/future etc....

Is it any wonder we are a bit reluctant!!! :rotfl:

Before anyone slates me I am joking;)

Thats more than enough reasons for me to remain childless!, For me the OPs issues all come down to communication, if he is not willing to compromise, they should call it a day and move on.

I was very lucky, I met someone, who had the same feelings as me about having kids, but I was always honest with potential GFs about my intentions, Marriage Yes, Kids No, some believed me and ran for the hills, others thought they could change my mind :rolleyes:

Myself and OH had a scare a couple of years back, the abject terror we had whilst waiting for the test to prove negative was horrific, so I booked myself in for the snip.

sadbunny_2

Thanks again for all your comments and thoughts.

I am not trying (and don't want to) force him to have a family I just wish this wasn't an issue. I know that looking back I probably should have been more explicit at the beginning but I was a lot younger then and certainly didn't feel as broody then. I always knew that I wanted kids but not til I was settled in work, had done some travelling etc. I've never hidden how much I love kids and as I mentioned before, love spending time with my nieces and nephews and also see my 'step'-daughters every weekend.
I think I'm going to try to write everything down partly to try to rationalise and partly to try and remove some of the emotion from the discussion (if this is possible!).
I'm also looking into Relate. He really isn't the kind of person that goes for counselling but I think it might be a good idea.
Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to comment and to the person who PMd me (will reply to this later).
I know it may sounds strange to some people that I can love someone yet have these problems. I can't really explain it - just that I love my partner and also a desire to have children. I just wish from the bottom of my heart that this wasn't an issue.

Amanda65

Sadbunny

Really feel for you on this one but cannot see a way out if you are together - one of you will end up in a situation you don't want to be in and resentful.

You cannot compromise on having children - you either have them or you don't. I think if your OH has given his reasons as to why he doesn't want more children and they are rational and logical reasons, you have to accept that life with him means you won't have them yourself.

That's not to say that you won't have a wonderful, fulfilling life. My best friend from school has never wanted children and has a lovely life full of travelling with OH, which is what is important to them both.

I think you really need to look deep into yourself and see how important having your own children is to you - if it is your priority above everything else then I don't see how you can stay with this man as however much you love him you will never be truly happy and who wants to live like that .

Part of being a couple is wanting the same things out of life and goini in the same direction and this is a fundamental stumbling block. I really do feel for you and I am sure that not being together will be a dreadful decision to make but, as someone who always wanted children, I cannot imagine life without them and wouldn't want it either.

Good luck with whatever decision you make x

EMcG

I think one of the most interesting things to come out of this discussion is that whilst men are expected to give reasons and explain why they don't want kids, women don't have to do this.

Woman can simply say "I just have this urge, need to have a child" and that is that. But if a man says "I just have this feeling that I don't want a child" they are expected to give the full reasoning behind the sentiment.

Why is this?

Pssst

Good point EMg though the main driver for women is of course biological. I suspect that most kids just happen and that they are not meticulously planned. After that,couples just deal with it.

Badger_Lady

I'm on the other side of this (though not yet where you are, OP)...

I've never wanted my own children, never imagined that I would breed, and actually spent a long time setting up home with a man who was so strongly of the same opinion that he had "the snip". I have imagined fostering children, and at most perhaps adopting.

Unfortunately, that relationship broke down and I'm now back with my First Love, who thinks the world of me and makes me feel like the most desireable person on Earth.

But he wants an heir.

We've been skirting round the issue, talking about "maybe one day" and "who knows what the future holds", but this is going to come up as something serious eventually... we've even talked about "one of our own and one adopted" as a compromise solution. But I don't ever want to be pregnant, don't want to break my career and don't want to be an absent mother.

So I have nothing to help you with - I can understand your need for children, and I can understand your partner's aversion (even without having the previous family), and I can see how the two views can be conciled

I read with interest as I face up to the fact that I might be presented with a similar horror in my own future...