Invited for dinner then being asked to help clear up

AubreyMac · 5 July 2015 at 2:54PM

Whenever I invite someone round for anything, I do not expect them to help me clean or clear up, no matter how much of a huge pile of clearing up I have to do on my own. They are my guest(s). If they offer, I politely refuse.

But that is how I was brought up, my parents are of that culture and belief and taught me this.

I was invited by my friend to have dinner at his parents house as his brother will be back from abroad so they wanted dinner all together. I have been to his parents house a couple of times but this time when the meal was over, his mother asked me directly (in front of others) if I could help with the washing up. I was shocked (I also thought !!!!!!!). Too embarassed to say no, I said yes!

I have not said anything to my friend. I feel it was a bit crude to just ask me like that as it puts me on the spot but also I was surprised she asked me as though she thought nothing of it. Now, she did not ask me because I'm female, but because the two brothers were going to go and pick up some other relative from the train station and their step-dad was the one who cooked the meal.

I am wondering what are your opinions on this type of etiquette. Should I have been offended? would you have been?

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candlelight_2013 · 5 July 2015 at 2:59PM

Like you I always like to clear up after my guests have gone home, but I wouldn't be offended if, as a guest, I was asked to help.

If I have had a nice meal, and good company, then I would feel that is the least I could do if I was asked,

Candlelightx

DUKE · 5 July 2015 at 3:03PM

If I'm invited out to dinner I usually ask at the end of the meal if they need any help clearing up.

Perhaps she just wanted your company in the kitchen. You know how it is if you're on your own doing a job it seems to take forever, especially when everyone else is enjoying themselves & you're slaving away.

comeandgo · 5 July 2015 at 3:06PM

I would always offer to help after and prior to a meal. I would think it rude not to. Why would you say no?

ellie99 · 5 July 2015 at 3:09PM

I wouldn't be offended.
When your friend and his brother left the house, what were you planning to do, were you just going to sit in another room while your friends mother cleared up on her own?

She was possibly thinking she was making you feel "included".

In that situation, I would have offered to help anyway, and it wouldn't bother me if she accepted. Perhaps she was thinking that you were a bit rude by not offering to help, people have such different opinions on everything

nearlyrich · 5 July 2015 at 3:09PM

I would offer to do the dishes but in my home I would not expect guests to do them, however on Christmas day anyone who fancies the job can do it visitors or family I would have done my share of chores for a month!

missbiggles1 · 5 July 2015 at 3:13PM

AubreyMac wrote: »

Whenever I invite someone round for anything, I do not expect them to help me clean or clear up, no matter how much of a huge pile of clearing up I have to do on my own. They are my guest(s). If they offer, I politely refuse.

But that is how I was brought up, my parents are of that culture and belief and taught me this.

I was invited by my friend to have dinner at his parents house as his brother will be back from abroad so they wanted dinner all together. I have been to his parents house a couple of times but this time when the meal was over, his mother asked me directly (in front of others) if I could help with the washing up. I was shocked (I also thought !!!!!!!). Too embarassed to say no, I said yes!

I have not said anything to my friend. I feel it was a bit crude to just ask me like that as it puts me on the spot but also I was surprised she asked me as though she thought nothing of it. Now, she did not ask me because I'm female, but because the two brothers were going to go and pick up some other relative from the train station and their step-dad was the one who cooked the meal.

I am wondering what are your opinions on this type of etiquette. Should I have been offended? would you have been?

I think there's a big difference in asking friends round to dinner and being included in a friend's family meal. In the latter situation you'd all expect to muck in, in the former, not so much.

ellie99 · 5 July 2015 at 3:22PM

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I think there's a big difference in asking friends round to dinner and being included in a friend's family meal. In the latter situation you'd all expect to muck in, in the former, not so much.

That's very true, it does sound more like OP was invited to join a friend's family dinner.

And let's not forget that this poor woman who's being accused of being "crude" for asking for help didn't even invite the OP, her son did. The son who neither cooked the meal nor cleared up afterwards.

I'd feel really uncomfortable sitting in another room waiting on someone clearing up and not helping, or was the mother meant to wait until the OP had left?

FreddieFrugal · 5 July 2015 at 3:23PM

I would never directly ask a guest (family or friend) to do any kind of tidying up. If they just started doing it or offered then fair enough.

I'd probably refuse unless I did genuinely need help and it was offered.

I would be surprised, depending on how it was worded, if I was asked to directly by someone else (unless it was my Mum or Dad), but I generally always offer to help out anyway.

I don't think there's any need to feel offended by it. I can think of much worse things to do to a guest!

Guest101 · 5 July 2015 at 3:24PM

Also, and I could be wrong ( and don't agree with this ), but in some cultures ( especially Eastern Europe ), women are expected to help out at the end of the meal.

Many Eastern European traditions stem from matriarchal systems, so it may be similar at your friends house?

- just personal experience. I grew up I'm the uk and I agree I'd just offer. I might be put off sligtly if asked directly on first visit, but if Uve been there a few times.

Timpu · 5 July 2015 at 3:25PM

I would take it that you are seen as close enough to be asked and perhaps the Mum didn't think you'd be offended. You mention you've visited a couple times so presumably know them reasonably well. Perhaps the Mum felt comfortable and confident enough to treat you as family?

I probably wouldn't think anything of being asked in such a situation. The word 'if' from the Mum is key for me though.

Like you I generally politely refuse offers of help from my guests, I see it as a chance to treat others. However, sometimes I graciously accept help with preparation, clearing up or even washing up if they insist, particularly when it comes to close friends/family. It makes for a more informal atmosphere. I always try and help when I visit others.

I have been sought out from the crowd by a family friend and asked to do the washing up in front of everyone. As I had always, always volunteered to pitch in on all previous visits I felt I was being taken for granted. It pushed the boundary between a trusted insider to assuming I would spend an hour plus as a kitchen slave over other guests. I have never done their washing up for them again.

Invited for dinner then being asked to help clear up

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