Splitting the bill with extravagant friends

Jet · 13 April 2015 at 10:05AM

I'm sure this has been brought up before, but how do you deal with this?

I have a friend who has on a number of occasions invited me out with a group of different friends and it often ends up being a £200 night out, which although I can afford, tbh, I don't really want to spend that on a meal out with some friends. They order champagne and even when I was driving just split the bill equally. We went to a London show once, and my friend complained that she had to sit with the crowds rather than get a box like she normally does. She complained once because we had to eat in a "chain" restaurant (Strada) as if she was being made to eat of a dustbin!

I keep making excuses about not going saying that I'm already out that night etc, but then she changes the date to suit me! If I were to say I can't afford it, she would just ask again next month, assuming next month I will have the money.

Her other friends either are middle aged living with parents (so have minimal outgoings), or have rich husbands or have professional jobs. I have an admin job!

I think she honestly thinks her lifestyle is normal and I know she would ridicule me for being "tight" if I say anything. It's her 40th birthday soon and her friend has invited me amongst others to go out with her. I know it will be champagne all round and having to pay for the friends share too. I really would rather spend that money on my family, so I've just ignored the text so far.

I'm quite unconfrontational, but I think I need to say something.

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19lottie82 · 13 April 2015 at 10:08AM

You need to be upfront, just say you can't afford it, and if she offers to change the date to nearer payday, just say thanks for the offer, but you can't really justify spending over £x amount on a night out. If she makes fun of you, then she's not really a friend.

ellesbellesxxx · 13 April 2015 at 10:18AM

That is an obscene amount of money to spend on a night out!
If she really would ridicule you, then I agree with Lottie, she is not really a friend.
I think your only option is to say, I am sorry but I really can't afford that kind of night out unless we go to "such and such a place."

thorsoak · 13 April 2015 at 10:25AM

Just say "no, sorry, that's not my scene anymore" and use the broken record technique.

purpleshoes_2 · 13 April 2015 at 10:44AM

Just say sorry but you don't have unlimited money to spend and send a present. For a birthday night out where I am, I'd probably pay around 20 pounds for a share of a meal, a few drinks and a present. There is no way I could cough up for a share of unlimited champagne, would be ridiculous. If they can afford it fine, if you can think of better ways to spend your cash, don't go.

DigForVictory · 13 April 2015 at 10:49AM

Keywords here are "friend" & "family". If she's any kind of decent friend, she should have guessed that family might come first.

If you want to stay in touch, then invite her to a family BBQ with a bottle of her preferred tipple on standby. She can choose to keep in touch on your terms or drift off on hers.

fivetide · 13 April 2015 at 11:35AM

Not sure why you need to make excuses?

For me, if you enjoy the nights and this person really is a friend (they seem to want you along at least) then can you not just be honest

"Yes I'd love to come but I'll be driving and as a result going Dutch if that's alright? Sorry but my budget doesn't stretch to champers!"

The question is of course rhetorical.

Mojisola · 13 April 2015 at 11:41AM

Jet wrote: »

I have a friend who has on a number of occasions invited me out with a group of different friends and it often ends up being a £200 night out, which although I can afford, tbh, I don't really want to spend that on a meal out with some friends. They order champagne and even when I was driving just split the bill equally.

Her other friends either are middle aged living with parents (so have minimal outgoings), or have rich husbands or have professional jobs. I have an admin job!

I know she would ridicule me for being "tight" if I say anything.

Why do you want to spend time with people like this?

Jet · 13 April 2015 at 11:44AM

Mojisola wrote: »

Why do you want to spend time with people like this?

Good point. We only recently got back in contact last year. I don't really like some of her other friends but her and I were good friends years ago when we were both single parents. But I guess, we have both changed. I'd still like to stay in touch but don't necessarily want to do it in the same way she does!

Mojisola · 13 April 2015 at 11:50AM

Jet wrote: »

Good point. We only recently got back in contact last year. I don't really like some of her other friends but her and I were good friends years ago when we were both single parents. But I guess, we have both changed. I'd still like to stay in touch but don't necessarily want to do it in the same way she does!

But unless she agrees, you'll have to keep on finding excuses not to accept her invites.

With the attitude she has, she's not going to continue the friendship if it means meeting up with you in somewhere like Starbucks. You are less important to her than the expensive life style she enjoys.

Do yourself a favour and back out before you end up spending £100s at her birthday do.

19lottie82 · 13 April 2015 at 11:56AM

If you keep on just making excuses without telling her the truth, she may think you don't want to be friends / spend time with her. You should tell her the truth ASAP and offer some less costly alternatives. Whether she takes this offer up or not will tell you if she's a true friend, or just wants someone to split the champagne bill with.

Splitting the bill with extravagant friends

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