How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

CATS · 18 September 2013 at 12:10PM

Hi All,

I guess this is more a question for the parents of teenagers. I have an only child who is 14 now. He is currently becoming a money pit and I am feeling really guilty about saying no to his financial demands

So I give him £40 monthly allowance
I pay £100 per month for his school meals
£20 per month for his haircuts
he has free bus travel to school
I pay for all his trips out with friends, including, cinema,etc
I give him £150 every 3 months clothing allowance
I pay £26 per month for his phone contract
I pay 2 tutors per week totalling £200 per month. Of course this money doesnt go to him but..

Anyway he seems to run out of his monthly allowance 2 weeks into the month, and then his asking for money starts. Mummy can I borrow £5, mummy can I have £1, ummy am going out can I have £10.

Last weekend £10, today £1, yesterday he had to take packed lunch to school as he was doing some activity, anyway he took a sandwich, crisps and drink. He then sends a text saying can you please put £5 into my account as I am still hungry, this means he will go to nasty chicken shop after school as school canteen closed already. I said no I have no money go home and eat there!! However I felt so guilty about it, all I kept thinking was my poor son startving, or course that is not the case but I feel so guilty. I can affort it so money is not an issue, its more that I want to teach him to be good with money but my guilt of saying no ensures I fail miserably at it. I know its my own problem and if I dont teach him it will affect him when he gets older, I just dont know how to get over my guilt. Any strategies from you parents out there will be great. actually putting it in writing does also help

I just think poor him, he has no other source of income

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j.e.j. · 18 September 2013 at 12:15PM

CATS wrote: »

So I give him £40 monthly allowance
I pay £100 per month for his school meals
£20 per month for his haircuts
he has free bus travel to school
I pay for all his trips out with friends, including, cinema,etc
I give him £150 every 3 months clothing allowance
I pay £26 per month for his phone contract
I pay 2 tutors per week totalling £200 per month. Of course this money doesnt go to him but..

Wow, you sound like a top mum

I don't think even I have £150 every 3 months for clothes :rotfl:

You say you pay for his trips out with friends, would that be why he has to keep coming to you for money, as he doesn't know in advance what they'll be doing or where they'll be going?

Maybe try giving him a certain amount of money to cover everything, and once it's gone it's gone. Much like when he's an adult and getting paid monthly, he'll have to make it last.

4nnabella · 18 September 2013 at 12:16PM

I don't yet have a teenager but when I was that age I had a job. I had an afternoon paper round and then when I was 15 I started working in a local village restaurant and worked there for four years before going off to uni etc. My parents gave me £5 a week pocket money and my mum gave me some of the child benefit money, however much it was back then, I can't remember, for clothes allowance. If I wanted more money I did chores around the house, ironing, tidying, cleaning, whatever.

victory · 18 September 2013 at 12:18PM

On first reading it strikes me how very much you give him:eek: I have a 13 year old and he gets nowhere near that amount, not even at xmas, but hey if you can afford it you can afford it as you said.

If you give your son a monthly allowance and he has got through it in week 2, change it to weekly allowance?

£100 for school meals? Could you not do lunch boxes?

£20 a month on haircuts seems reasonable but they do have the hair clipper cutters at Argos that you could buy and you could cut his hair or he could learn?

All trips out of your money? Why not his? Is that not the idea of pocket money?

Clothes allowance? My son doesn't get one of those, if he needs something we see if we can afford it and if not it waits until next month, he has all his school clothes paid for by us obviously and his socks and pants and toiletries come out from our budget as well as school shoes but personal clothes are either ebay/car boot sales/ charity shops/ handed down/Primark, JJB sports, in the sale...

Your son needs to know one payments equals your monthly spends, go over and you have to wait until next month to get what you want, the same as a wage, if you cannot afford it it has to go over to the next month

victory · 18 September 2013 at 12:20PM

Set up a bank account, put x amount of money in and he can spend as he chooses but has to know that when it is gone the next time anymore will be coming in is the 1st of the following month..

aileth · 18 September 2013 at 12:21PM

£150 every three months for clothes? Chuff me. When I was that age, I'd only get new clothes if there was something wrong with the old ones, e.g. outgrown or holes. £600 a year on new clothes is making my eyes water, especially for a 14 year old!

Why £20 a month on haircuts? My OH goes to the local barbers and can get a cut for £5, and that's including styling, not just a number 2 or whatever!

You need to make it quite clear to him that when it's gone, it's gone. Stand your ground and be firm. He keeps asking you for money because he knows he'll get it. If he thinks he's not going to get any, he'll be more careful with what he's given initially!

MarkLS12 · 18 September 2013 at 12:21PM

How about paying his allowance weekly instead of monthly?

hgotsparkle · 18 September 2013 at 12:23PM

I wasn't given a monthly allowance at all when I was a teenager, I could ask my mum for £10 here and there for a couple of cinema trips a month with friends, and she would buy me new clothes for summer and winter but other than that, I didn't have my own money until I got a job at 16. As for phones, I know contracts are the norm nowadays (and I'm 23 so I'm not talking long ago here!) I had a pay monthly and had to earn the money to top it up. All this served me well and now I'm great with money and I don't spend frivolously.

balletshoes · 18 September 2013 at 12:24PM

yes, I think writing it down will help you - along with other posters who I'm sure will be happy to let you know how much they give their teenagers for all their spends each month, and what its supposed to cover.

My DD is 12, when she starts wanting to be out with her friends most weekends (as opposed to once in a blue moon at the moment, they are quite happy with sleepovers at each others homes), she'll be getting a monthly budget, and I'll be writing down for her (and me) what I expect her to pay for out of it. She won't be getting a separate quarterly clothes allowance, and the only time she'll be getting a phone contract of anywhere near £26 a month is when she's an adult, and she's signed up for it, and she's responsible for paying for it :cool:.

I do think he needs a spends monthly budget, it will help both of you stop thinking of you as a money pit, and because you've already given it to him, if he runs out of money you will be completely justified in saying No, and he'll need to find free things to do for the rest of the month. Or maybe if he finds himself in this position, you could discuss between you him doing extra chores of your choice, to get a bit extra money that month?

Also, £100 per month for school meals is a lot - mine pays for school dinners every day, I put £13 per week on her account for it, and that lasts her. If I changed that to £15 per week, that would still only be £65 per month. I give her no cash in addition to this for the school week, theres no need - she doesn't pass any shops on her way in or out of school, and theres food and snacks at home.

bluenoseam · 18 September 2013 at 12:28PM

Going to sound harsh here, but that's one kid who doesn't know or understand the value of money - £150 a quarter on clothes on top of £120 a quarter in pocket money!!! You need to introduce him sharply to a world where he understands if he has £40 a month that's all he can spend, if you're going to spoil him (and that's what you're doing!) then you need to atleast set limits. What is giving him extra bits & pieces going to tell him in 10 years time when he's got to work to get anywhere near that sort of lifestyle & when his wages are gone, that's it.

quidsy · 18 September 2013 at 12:29PM

Stop the monthly allowance, give him weekly pocket money based on a completed list of household or garden chores & if he spends his pocket money in the first couple of days then he can't go anywhere till the next lot comes through.

Send him with a packed lunch, you will halve the cost.

Find a barber who does 10 quid haircuts, every 6-8 weeks is enough.

Make him pay for his trips & cinema with his mates from his earned pocket money. Once it's gone, it's gone. It will teach him the power of budgeting.

150 every 3 months on clothes? really, have you not heard of primark or the sales? Cut it in half.

Phone contract, well presumably you are ties in to a contract but when it is finished, find a better deal.

The tutors are a good idea as long as he is learnign somethign & presumably your choice for him to have them so he shouldn't be expected to take financial responsibilty for them.

Time to crack down & make him earn his keep imo.

I have a 6 year old who has to do the same so I'm pretty sure a 14 year old can manage it.

How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

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