MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Should you continue to send birthday presents?
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I would still give them presents. My neices, nephews and god-children cost me hundreds of pounds a year but I love them so I dont mind splashing out on them. I haven't got any children of my own so why not. I dont do give to receive!!!!0
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my aunt and uncle have always been lousy at remembering my birthday, or would send something but not until a month or so after. i dont have many relatives (unlike my cousins, who have heaps of relatives on their side and would be receving lots of gifts on their birthdays). i always used to nag my mum and dad to send my cousins cards or gifts on time, because i knew how it felt to receive something late or not at all.0
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I don't know! I'm in a similar sort of situation. I'm the niece/cousin that a lot of people tend to forget about! I didn't really think I'd get presents past 16, but quite a few of my cousins (and one least favourite uncle) didn't even bother with a card for my 18th. Normally I'd say, fair enough, but I'm the one who badgers my mum to go out and buy presents for my cousins and their kids - and as for the uncle (Dad's bro) my brother and I always make cards by hand and pick the presents so it's a little cold.
To be honest, if I were the parents (and hopefully more rational than me now!) I'd just send cards instead, and gradually phase them out as the kids get older.
However, been forgotten about frequently myself, I'd be inclined to be vengefully forgetful.
I know it's not the kids fault and I know you shouldn't give to receive but you do get what you give.0 -
I would definately continue to send cards and presents. Firstly, I wouldn't punish the children for something that they have no control over, and secondly, if they are being brought up in a household where these things aren't done, it is good education for them to know that there are different ways to do things, and they can make their own minds up how they want to live when they grow up. What sort of bewildering, selfish tit-for-tat message would it send to them if I suddenly stopped sending the cards and presents that have always been a part of their childhoods? Thirdly, since I can comfortably afford it, why be so petty and risk causing bad feeling in the family? I could go on but I think three good reasons is enough.0
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I have been in a similar situation, and like most of you I don't give to receive. However, my mil has three children, my husband and two daughters. One of the daughters has two girls and one boy. She makes sure that they receive birthday cards and presents, however my two go without. Even so, we have still sent all of my sil's children presents for birthdays/christmas although they have got smaller and cheaper since for the last three years she has not reciprocated either. Mil usually gets a box of chocs for christmas and flowers for birthday since although she is not being fair, without her, my wonderful husband would not be here or my two lovely children. I think that giving presents up to 16 is a good idea tho and then only cards but then presents/money only at important birthdays a good idea! Thank you letters/cards emails are important tho too - mine have always sent them!0
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Looking strictly at the scenario - I would assume the family is not close either emotionally or geographically as presents have to be posted and no-one is talking about the situation.
The child is 13, from a rather less well off family, and with parents who have obviously not taught her any manners. Not her fault. Who are the adults here ?
So, yes I would continue to send a card and prezzie, up to the age of 16. It would be especially important as presents from parents may have to be on the practical side if they are skint. Auntie could send something they would not normally buy, and teenagers do want things which can be considered a waste of money, if money is tight. It need not cost the earth, just a nice to have instead of a need to have.
As for a thank you, yes that would be nice, but after so many years, dont hold your breath. It's the parents who set the culture in the household.
However, I would try to establish a direct relationship with the child by putting in a letter asking how they are doing, etc. and a "would be lovely to hear from you" and phone number. If after two or three times they dont get in touch then I'll accept we have no real bond and at 16 they will be going their own way.
Lucky for me, my family get together several times a year, one way or another, so all the kids know all of us adults quite well - I am more concerned that they feel secure, that they have someone to turn to if needed, than the odd prezzie not being around.
The little loves :j0 -
I think I would want to know why the card/pressie thing had all stopped suddenly (assuming I didnt know why) and deal with that. How do you know that your presents and cards are still welcome anyway?0
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We have had this problem in my Husbands Family. When we decided to stop giving presents to my husband's step nieces, his brother & sister in law severed all ties with us & cut us out of their lives after threatening & verbally abusing my husband on Christmas Morning. The girls in question are aged 26 & 34, both working, whilst we are on a very low income.
Presents should stop at 18 except for wedding & engagements.0 -
Natalie6999 wrote: »We have had this problem in my Husbands Family. When we decided to stop giving presents to my husband's step nieces, his brother & sister in law severed all ties with us & cut us out of their lives after threatening & verbally abusing my husband on Christmas Morning. The girls in question are aged 26 & 34, both working, whilst we are on a very low income.
Presents should stop at 18 except for wedding & engagements.
The thing is, did you have a chat with them before Christmas to explain your situation and what you were going to do. If it dropped on them on Christmas morning, then, although their reaction sounds extreme, it was probably not handled the right way from the start. At 26 and 34 they are old enough to approach as adults, and them to understand and accept. The fact that they are step-nieces means nothing, it sounds as though your BIL has accepted them as his for years.
But presents stopping at 18 etc.... each family should just do it their own way.0 -
My decision would depend if the children ever contacted me to thank for the presents.
If they didn't I probably would give up sending anything0
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