Can't cope

Bella73 · 27 May 2015 at 9:13PM

Hi cannot cope

I'm sorry I have no advice as no children of my own, however am sending you massive sqishy hugs.

summerspring · 27 May 2015 at 9:42PM

CannotCope wrote: »

Today started off horrific, OH warned he was out and about today so wouldn't be able to nip home if I needed him, first bottle was a nightmare and toddler was just being a pain. Made it downstairs, was trying to feed baby her second bottle in amongst her ear splitting screaming and toddler decided to ride his scooter through the house carrying 2 toy garden tools, fell over into the cats litter tray with the scooter on top of him. Cue him sceaming, so I had to put down screaming baby to attend to screaming toddler. I cried, they cried, I shouted a lot, toddler looked so sad I cried even harder and toddler said he was scared of me as i shout so much these days. I think my heart actually broke.

Rest of the day went surprisingly well, baby fed ok-ish toddler behaved, mostly enjoyed my friends visit. Unfortunately my friend isn't the kind is confide in. She didn't get in touch at all when baby was in special care and when I alluded to that she pretty much implied I was petty for keeping tabs on who offered support when initially we didn't know if baby would make it. She is also one of those that just wouldn't understand why I'm struggling, her advice would be to suck it up and get over it. I know appearances are deceiving but she's just so together and in control with perfectly behaved children, I feel so much more inadequate.

This is not fair on your poor little boy, and the perfectly behaved child is yet to be invented!

You have chosen to have two children close together, as many people do, and you're now having to nurse a newborn and toilet train a 2 year old. You are shattered through lack of sleep, depression and a crying baby.

Go to the GP to rule out PND and to find out if the baby has any medical problems which might be causing her to not feed well. I know you don't want to show your vulnerable side but what is more important, - your pride or your and your family's wellbeing? Try and take your husband along, - he sees you when you're at your worst and hopefully with an extra person present the dr is less likely to just dismiss the problem.

Kaye1 · 27 May 2015 at 10:18PM

Three points

1. I had a baby in special care for a long time. It was sh*t. It turned out my LO had very, very bad reflux. (Along with lots of other issues.) Needed a lot of meds to sort it out. Could only take small amounts of feed, sicked a lot and screamed when put horizontal.
2. I never, never recommend books to people. However, someone gave me 'Toddler Taming.' Here is the main thing I took from it- they are not crying/screaming/tantrum to 'get' at you. They are just doing it to get their needs fulfilled. It made me feel soooo much better. It's not personal.
3. You are doing your very best. That is enough. If someone with small children looks perfect on the outside, you can bet your bottom dollar, they have had moments of crisis just like the rest of us.

During the day, I would get OH to have children for half an hour in the morning, so I could shower, poo and get dressed without a child attached to me. It made all the difference to my day. He works long hours, so I knew I was on my own for the day. I also bought a massive mug and just made massive cups of tea and drunk them when I could.

Wilma33 · 27 May 2015 at 10:59PM

The fact you have asked for advice means you are a great mum and obviously really care about your children.

Please go and have a chat with your GP. And remember that if things get too much then put your baby in her cot, shut the bedroom door and phone a friend to ask for help or call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. They are always there is listen. You don't need to be suicidal to get in touch. They will listen to you and help you get back on track.

wendym · 28 May 2015 at 5:07PM

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling.

I have two daughters, and they have two children each. We have gaps of 1 year, 2.5 years, and twins.

Your toddler would be reacting to the new arrival whatever you did. As my daughter said, life hits a new low when you find bite marks on your 10 day old baby! I think it's OK to say to him 'babies can be a bit of a pain, can't they?' and spend as much time with him as you can. Just watching kids' TV would be fine.

Things that don't matter - stuff 'em all:

A clean tidy house.

Leaving the house for outings. Tell your toddler you're going to have a real treat, and spend the day in 'jamas.

Your appearance. I was going to say as long as you don't smell, but I think I must have smelled for a good 6 months, with damp pukey patches. I gave up changing into clean clothes, and dabbed at them with baby wipes.

'Proper' meals. There's nothing that can't be eaten as a sandwich.

What does matter is your mental well-being, and I think you should visit your GP, and definitely tell someone that the baby makes you feel angry.

I know how unhelpful this must sound, but things will improve. Until they do, you need a bit of help.

You're not failing, just going through a rubbish patch.

Look after yourself.

morocha · 28 May 2015 at 9:07PM

How are you OP ? I dont know if it makes you feel better but The age gap between my children is 5 years. When youngest was born, i did not cook or clean the house for a few months. My husband used to do that, even taking the eldest to school and picking her up. I was a ghost. Once i was diagnosed with pnd I started going for a 30min walk every day in the hope baby would go to sleep. I took multivitamins (centrum ones) and felt a bit better. I also binned all my joggers and hoodies, looking a mess made me feel awful. Even jeans and a nice t shirt made me feel more put together.
I am sure your inlaws will love to have a day with your baby and you can do something fun with the toddler.

j.e.j. · 28 May 2015 at 9:12PM

Blimey it makes you wonder how women managed back in the days when they had large families!! Even today it's not uncommon in some communities for women to have 7 or more children, - one every year or two.

I think OP's problem is the feeling of isolation and insecurity. Hopefully posting her feelings on here will give her that outlet she needs. Small children can be demanding and frustrating, but you should not be shrieking at a toddler or falling into a heap crying with the two babies. Something's amiss here. I hope it gets sorted asap for all their sakes.

redstararnie76 · 28 May 2015 at 9:15PM

Hi CC, my kids are 9 and 5 years old. My house is a tip most days, I'm disorganised and chaotic, there are days when I can't cope and just shout at the kids. When they were younger, it was much worse, I can remember crying and wow, the sleep deprivation!
Very few mums, especially mums with more than one little one, can't relate to some of what you are feeling.
It does, however, sound like you could do with a word with your GP - they won't judge you (there's nothing negative to judge, trust me, please) and even the act of talking to someone in real life should help, but like other people have mentioned, you may well be suffering from post-natal depression; in which case the dr can help - really.
You're not a failure - imagine if someone else was telling you some of the things you have mentioned in your posts - you would urge them to talk to someone, and not bottle it up, wouldn't you? The GP would be a great start xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted · 28 May 2015 at 9:19PM

CannotCope wrote: »

Thank you again everyone for your responses, I've tried to thank you all but it won't let me, I'll try again when I've posted.

OH kept baby all night unbeknownst to me, until I woke in a panic at 4, realised I'd missed feeds and thinking I'd lost her! Tbh I prob didn't get much more sleep than normal but was very grateful nevertheless.

Today started off horrific, OH warned he was out and about today so wouldn't be able to nip home if I needed him, first bottle was a nightmare and toddler was just being a pain. Made it downstairs, was trying to feed baby her second bottle in amongst her ear splitting screaming and toddler decided to ride his scooter through the house carrying 2 toy garden tools, fell over into the cats litter tray with the scooter on top of him. Cue him sceaming, so I had to put down screaming baby to attend to screaming toddler. I cried, they cried, I shouted a lot, toddler looked so sad I cried even harder and toddler said he was scared of me as i shout so much these days. I think my heart actually broke.

Rest of the day went surprisingly well, baby fed ok-ish toddler behaved, mostly enjoyed my friends visit. Unfortunately my friend isn't the kind is confide in. She didn't get in touch at all when baby was in special care and when I alluded to that she pretty much implied I was petty for keeping tabs on who offered support when initially we didn't know if baby would make it. She is also one of those that just wouldn't understand why I'm struggling, her advice would be to suck it up and get over it. I know appearances are deceiving but she's just so together and in control with perfectly behaved children, I feel so much more inadequate.

The feeding.... at 12 weeks she only takes 2-3ozs max in any one feed, getting more down her is a nightmare. She feeds every 3ish hours sometimes more often but taking less but I'm so paranoid she's not getting enough even tho I can see she's growing. I'm convinced she should be taking more, the frequent feeding doesn't bother me, unless it's an oz and s half every hour and half like last weekend. It shouldn't be such a battle to feed her. HV has observed and said it was 'normal' whatever that is these days.

Funnily enough we've just finished sessions with a cranial osteopath which seemed to make a huge difference in her behaviour, although not feeding, until we had an awful awful early morning feed yesterday where I lost my temper and think I broke her again.

The not napping doesn't help, she's had 3 x 20 min cat naps today and that's it, I could cope better if she just had 1 decent nap so I could regroup.

I've survived 2 days, toddler is back in preschool tomorrow so I'll only have 1 to try and placate, although my toddler is much easier to deal with.

Put the s*dding scooter in the shed. It's not an indoors toy - fortunately the cat didn't find this out, or you'd have had an emergency dash to the vet to add to your list. At the same time, put away anything messy (lock up the glitter, pens, crayons, paint...believe me, unattended child being blissfully quiet usually means massive clear up job somewhere in the house). Include all incredibly irritating electronic noises or stuff that requires prolonged adult involvement in setting up or that causes agony when stepped on in the dark. Most kids have far too many toys out at once - make your life easier and put away the annoying, dangerous or messy ones until you feel the inclination to get one of them out.

My neck hurts at the moment. Nobody 'broke' me, it just plays up from time to time. If going to (and affording) an osteopath helped, I'd just make another appointment, not look for something to blame.

Your day wasn't all bad. Just the morning. Which is better than the day before. And once toddler is back at preschool, no danger of having to scrape cat poo (or squashed cat) off his head.

You're not doing anything wrong. Babies and toddlers are 'only little for a short time' (as so many people would coo at me) because, in my opinion, nobody normal could take that for longer than a couple of years without going batty. In times of big families, older siblings had to help out, IMO, for exactly the same reason.

Do every thing you can to take away opportunities for extra stress or work. And now you know OH was fine with the baby all night, let him. I'm sure he will wake you up if your presence is urgently required. After all, he gets to escape away from scooters, wailing, poo and wee each day. Get a few nights of sleep under your belt (starting at 6pm when he gets in, is perfectly OK) and things are likely to feel much better.

Diamond_Orchid · 28 May 2015 at 9:28PM

Can't add anything to the already excellent advice, but please go and see a GP. Having depression does NOT make you a failure, it enables you to cope xx

Can't cope

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