Desperate for a baby - but now things have changed

wad91 · 16 August 2017 at 12:20PM

Hi,
This is a bit of a sensitive subject so i'm created a new username to post this under, i really hope that is OK.

Have been with my husband for 7.5 years, married for 3.
I've been upfront about the fact i want children as soon as we got together. I've been told by him and my family and friends that i was 'too young' and to 'enjoy my life'. Things will 'fall into place' and we'll know when we're ready.
I am now 26, he is 31.
I have been suffering with depression and anxiety for a number of years, and recently tried counselling which has helped a little. I am no longer on any medication but this baby issue is really flaring things up for me.

We've discussed children numerous times, and despite him being scared about the major change to our lives he agreed that time is ticking on and we do both want children so maybe we can start trying next year.
First it was 'well let's wait until we're married'. Then it was 'let's wait until after the honeymoon as you don't want to be pregnant on holiday'. Then it was 'let's wait until we buy a house'. We had an old car with only 2 door so 'Lets buy a decent, family friendly car'. Then 'the house needs some work, so let's get the main rooms sorted first'.

I have satisfied all of these items. The main rooms are now all done, and we have started on the spare room (which would be the babys room) but it has come to a halt and not got finished.

He has now said that having a child is not a good idea, as we have only had sex a handful of times in the last few years and that will go to nothing if we have a child. (The fact that he has counted made me quite upset).
We have discussed that our sex life is not what is used to be, and I've tried to explain that i need time to get things back to normal.

My problem is that i truly feel some of the reason we are not as intimate as we used to be is because I have gone through the last 7/8 years of thinking we will have children, and it is becoming less and less of a reality. It is awful to say but i am growing some resentment towards him and feel like i am being strung along.

I have satisfied all the requirements, and it's just one thing after the next.
I am getting more and more depressed about the fact that having a baby feels further away even though it should be closer than ever. It is awful to say but i really feel like i am the problem that we can't start a family and it is making things difficult for me.

I really wanted to rant, but i'd also like to see an outside opinion on my current circumstances. Does anyone have any ideas of what to do?

PeacefulWaters · 16 August 2017 at 12:34PM

26 is no age. There's no rush, other than what you impose on yourselves.

31 and no sex life for a man. That's tough. Having a child and committing to a sexless marriage? It's hardly a long term prospect.

Before you do any breeding I think you need to work on what sort of marriage you actually have. It sounds mediocre to me.

onomatopoeia99 · 16 August 2017 at 12:37PM

We only have one side of the story obviously, but the thing that stands out is not you talking about jumping through hoops, but the miniscule amount of times you've had sex. For your ages, that's not natural at all. It's a huge deal in maintaining an emotional bond in a loving relationship and a completely natural physical expression of love between two people. Its absence will raise doubts, whether conscious or unconscious, about how you feel about him.

There's a good chance that by refusing physical intimacy you are building a wall that is emotionally isolating him from you and who would want to bring a child into that kind of environment? He may even doubt your commitment to him, other than as a source of sperm and financial provider.

Concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with your husband.

lika_86 · 16 August 2017 at 12:53PM

Tell him all of this. Print it out and let him read it.

wad91 · 16 August 2017 at 1:04PM

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Just so you know, i am very aware that we don't have a 'conventional' marriage at the moment. I have been working through some stuff which has had a direct impact on our sex life and he has always been supportive of that. I know that it is far from a perfect situation for him and whilst i really appreciate his support in that aspect. It has been somewhat improving, but it's this one massive elephant in the room (babies) that is affecting me the most.

We have spoken on numerous occasions about this.

I guess i was just looking to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, or if my 'reasoning' was even fair, which i know it's not as my head isn't on properly and hasn't been for a while.

fairy_lights · 16 August 2017 at 1:11PM

If your sex life is almost non-existent then how would you realistically even try for a baby?
It sounds like there are bigger issues in your marriage that need resolving before children come in to the picture. It also sounds like he's either not ready for kids yet or just doesn't want them full stop.

smartpicture · 16 August 2017 at 1:30PM

I don't think your husband is being fair to you. It sounds like he doesn't want kids (or not with you) so he should have said that outright, not dragged you along step-by-step as the years go by always trying to fulfil the next demand with a promise at the end that never happens - that is just blatant cruelty.

Maybe the two of you need counselling. Or maybe you need to draw this relationship to a close, because it's not been meeting either of your needs for a long time, and you can find someone else who genuinely wants children with you.

Gloomendoom · 16 August 2017 at 1:36PM

wad91 wrote: »

He has now said that having a child is not a good idea, as we have only had sex a handful of times in the last few years and that will go to nothing if we have a child. (The fact that he has counted made me quite upset).

I'm wondering if he is also having second thoughts about the long term viability of the relationship and doesn't want children to cloud the issue should he decide to bail.

Viscous circle.

belfastgirl23 · 16 August 2017 at 1:40PM

wad91 wrote: »

it's this one massive elephant in the room (babies) that is affecting me the most.

We have spoken on numerous occasions about this.

Just noting that you've spoken on numerous occasions about what's affecting you but you're hurt that he's mentioned that you barely have sex - which is clearly an issue affecting him. I know you've been working through things but it sounds to me like you aren't seeing/hearing your husband at all. By your own words you've been wanting to have a baby since you were 18. I think there is something here you aren't admitting to yourself. Are you sure you aren't so focused on having a baby as a way to fix something? Because this rarely works.

I'd suggest counselling for you both.

Gavin83 · 16 August 2017 at 1:43PM

It sounds like a bit of a vicious circle to me. You are effectively losing faith in your marriage and pulling it apart because you don't have babies and he doesn't want babies because he doesn't feel your marriage is strong enough. You two clearly have issues, I'm not convinced having children will help that, it would provably make it worse.

Babies need to be born into strong relationships. Work on your relationship and babies will follow. I'd also suggest continuing to work on your own mental health.

There is also the possibility he doesn't want kids at all and is stringing you along but from what you've said it doesn't sound as if this is the case. In all honesty he's probably questioning your marriage and feels it isn't a healthy environment to raise a child in. You really need to have a conversation with him, confirm he wants children, ask him what concerns him having them currently and ask what you can both do to improve your marriage.

It might not be a popular view here but I'd also suggest making the effort to have sex more. It's amazing how many issues a healthy sex life can fix and having sex is somewhat important for making babies.

BucksLady · 16 August 2017 at 1:58PM

OP, I don't mean this unkindly, but maybe your husband feels that you are more interested in having a baby than in him. I would question the reason as to why you are 'desperate' to have a baby.

Desperate for a baby - but now things have changed

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