How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

alinwales · 18 September 2013 at 12:30PM

You give him £240 a month (not including tutors and 'trips out').
Can you be my mummy? I bet there's are millions of part time workers earning less than that per month!
When I was 14 I earnt £8 a week on my paperround, and my mum gave me another £2 to make it up to £10, so I had £40 a month to play with. I think I was probably bought clothes to be fair, but not £50 a month!!! more like £100 per year, including shoes..
£20 a month for haircuts? What like he gets it cut ever two weeks or does he have to go to a girlie hairdresser and pay ladies rates?

I reckon the general concensus from this thread will be... 'speak to your boy, tell him you've let him live the life of riley for too long, and reduce his allowance by at least 2/3rds.. if he wants more he has to earn it, and no more feeling sorry for him!' If he doesn't learn the value of money now, he wont when he's older and still expect everything for nothing. Cruel to be kind and all that, and good luck and be string cos he'll hate you for it in the short term

balletshoes · 18 September 2013 at 12:31PM

aileth wrote: »

He keeps asking you for money because he knows he'll get it. If he thinks he's not going to get any, he'll be more careful with what he's given initially!

thats a valid point OP. I have a work colleague with a 23-year old son. He has never learned the value of money or how to budget it, because he's never had to. Any and every time he fancies spending a bit of dosh he doesn't have, he phones Mummy and she coughs up the cash (whether she has it or not). He's a complete layabout, and he's completely useless in the real world as well, hasn't got a clue about any kind of financial paperwork, sorting out passports, flights, even coach tickets etc, because Mummy has always dealt with his money.

Don't be that Mummy OP.

CATS · 18 September 2013 at 12:37PM

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies. Yes I am more than generous with him I think and your replies are helping me to realise that.

Victory, he has his own bank account into which I pay his £40 every 1st of the month. The thing is this is only supposed to cover things like sweets, magazines, etc so should last the whole month right???

j.e.j,When he has an outing he will come and say mum I am going cinema I need £20, so he knows exactly what the £40 is for and that he will get extra for a planned trip.

With regards to paying his allowance weekly, we tried, it worked out more expensive than the £40!!

With regards to his hair, at 14, there is no way he will let me near his "stylish hair"

so it has to be barbers.

Clothing allowance works out way cheaper than buying what he wants!!

I guess what I need to learn is to be firm and say No and then not start hyperventilating

weirdly enough I am a manager and have no problem saying no!! but when it comes to my son I melt like butter in the sun. Parents help, how do you stand firm?? the other thing is that he is so lovely, has always been such a good boy that I can't say no, if he was spoilt and nasty I think I would find it so much easier to say NO!! anyone know what I mean??? Man it sounds like am the one with the problem

RAS · 18 September 2013 at 12:39PM

OP

We had one of these in the family.

Let's just say that his first atempt to leave home was a complete disaster because he could not budget and did not understand the basic concept of making his money last until the next pay day. It was one constant series of panic when he realised bills had to be paid in the next few days.

Back home, very upset, confidence trashed and broke.

elsien · 18 September 2013 at 12:40PM

You do have to ask what he's actually spending his money on, as trips out, phone, haircuts, clothes, food and buses are already sorted?
Basically nothing essential, so if his money runs out, tough. He's not going to die from lack of sweets and magazines.

quidsy · 18 September 2013 at 12:42PM

You say no because it is the right thing to do & you want your son to learn that he cannot always have his own way all the time. I would rather be teaching my son that sometimes you have to go without in order to appriciate the value of things than to let him think that he is entitled to everything he wants. otherwise they are in for a nasty nasty shock in the real world. One I do not want my child to struggle with.

BugglyB · 18 September 2013 at 12:43PM

As a parent its your responsibility to feed and clothe him so these things should be taken seperately.

Otherwise I think you just have to stand your ground!

Does he ever see you say 'oh I can't afford that so not going to do it?' or does he see your prioritising money ie what sort of an example do you set to him?

victory · 18 September 2013 at 12:45PM

CATS wrote: »

Hi All,

Thanks for your replies. Yes I am more than generous with him I think and your replies are helping me to realise that.

Victory, he has his own bank account into which I pay his £40 every 1st of the month. The thing is this is only supposed to cover things like sweets, magazines, etc so should last the whole month right???

j.e.j,When he has an outing he will come and say mum I am going cinema I need £20, so he knows exactly what the £40 is for and that he will get extra for a planned trip.

With regards to paying his allowance weekly, we tried, it worked out more expensive than the £40!!

With regards to his hair, at 14, there is no way he will let me near his "stylish hair" so it has to be barbers.

Clothing allowance works out way cheaper than buying what he wants!!

I guess what I need to learn is to be firm and say No and then not start hyperventilating weirdly enough I am a manager and have no problem saying no!! but when it comes to my son I melt like butter in the sun. Parents help, how do you stand firm?? the other thing is that he is so lovely, has always been such a good boy that I can't say no, if he was spoilt and nasty I think I would find it so much easier to say NO!! anyone know what I mean??? Man it sounds like am the one with the problem

When you get paid your monthly amount needs to last you one month right? You don't get a top up (well, unless you do over time) and so you have to work everything you need into what the amount says, same with your son, the £40 a month is for him to spend as he chooses but he has to be in charge of it and it has to last the whole month, he chooses to spend on week 2 so be it, he has to wait 2 weeks to get some more as there is no more available:D

Cinema trip? Orange wednesday, £5 tuesday?

I am really pleased that your son is so lovely so what are you trying to compensate for? That you are a single parent? That you feel guilty for working? That he has no manly influence in his life?

sk240 · 18 September 2013 at 12:47PM

You really need to stop with the generosity now!
When i was young i didnt get any pocket money at all! my clothes were mainly hand me downs, and if i wanted anything i had to pay for it myself and had a paper round which was my only income.
If you dont stop you are going to have to put up with it forever as you are teaching him a very low value of money.
If it were mine i would get him out working a part time job asap, and give him a max of £50 per month to include eveything apart from his meals.
You need to be cruel to be kind, but i think at 14 its already too late

balletshoes · 18 September 2013 at 12:47PM

OP he may be a lovely boy now, to you and to everyone else.
If you carry on doling out money to him whenever he asks for it, he may still be a lovely boy in your eyes, but that perception will change to others - he'll be the spoiled one.
He may eventually be the one who ends up in serious debt when he becomes an adult and starts earning his own wage, with absolutely no experience of budgeting.

How about looking at it like this - when he was little, if he wanted to stick his fingers in electric sockets, would you say No? Why would you say No? After all, he's a lovely boy and thats what he wanted to do? You'd say No because sticking his fingers in electric sockets could hurt him, yes?
Saying No once he's spent his money is in the same vein really, you're saying No because you're teaching him a good lesson, you're saying No because constantly saying Yes could hurt him in the future.

How to stop feeling guilty for saying NO

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