on the verge of ending it. cant see a way out

blondiedebtfree · 23 March 2009 at 4:48PM

Today ive have finally reached the lowest i can go and i dont know what to do

i have had the worst year of my life and it keeps getting worse and its all my fault

I post on here a lot but i have to tell everything as it cnt get worse

me and me ex OH brought a flat the week before Northern rock crashed. Am now in negative equity, dont know how much.

I got made redundant in march 08 then spent on cc's and loans while i looked for a job. Then i fell pregnant. Lost the baby. OH coudnt cope so he left me in Sept 08. I fell apart. Couldnt pay all bills, didnt know what to do.

Then 6 weeks ago (just as i was beginning to sort things out) i got made redundant again and cant find a job.

The ex OH comes and goes as he wants, as he has keys and keeps stringing me along about trying again but i think he has someone else. I believe the only reason he says he wants to try again is to stop me from leaving the flat.

I have no job, no confidence, huge debt that is now very serious that i dont have a penny to pay. Cnt claim JSA as i was self employed in 2006, cant claim income based JSA as OH is on and off with me and as he is working i cant claim. He earns pittance and this mortgage payment will be the last i can pay.

No point in SOA as i have cut everything. every penny.

I dont know what to do. I have cried all day. i dont see a future at all. no way out

ex OH is messing with my head i cant cope

bryanb · 23 March 2009 at 4:51PM

Talk to someone, even the Samaritans.

Idiophreak · 23 March 2009 at 4:53PM

Hope someone with more experience will be along to help in a few minutes - but in the meantime - is there somewhere you can go to have a break?

Any family you could stay with for a couple of weeks?

Sounds like you could really do with a bit of time out away from the ex and give yourself some time to sort things out in your head.

Hope it all works out for you.

suewiththeblues · 23 March 2009 at 4:54PM

awh just wanted to send you a virtual hug - i know where you are at today as i too have had an entire year from hell, and it is cruel when you start to turn that corner only to hit that brick wall again, i had to keep telling myself tomorrow may be a bit better - you have a lot to deal with but it will get better - pick yourself up and say 'nobody is doing this to me!' and start tackling the small things first, even if just tidying up the house makes you feel a bit more able to cope with all the paperwork!

as for the guy..... i havent been straight enough in my head to cope with a guy this year so cant advise on that !!

keep reading the boards for inspiration! :money:

Merlinexcalibur · 23 March 2009 at 4:55PM

Yes, good suggestion about Samaritans but also anyone else who you can talk to in person. We can only make suggestions, but you have to make the choice to do what is suggested. If you are feeling this low, obviously you need to speak to someone more qualified eg your GP. Again, everyone can make suggestions but the decision to follow through on them is down to you. That is not in anyway being harsh but we cannot do these things for you. It is clear you are in a very difficult situation, but unless you take steps, take control of things you will always be trapped in this viscious circle. Taking control back is an important step. If that means picking up the phone, making an appointment to see your GP today that is one constructive step towards taking back this control.

But, like I said, suggestions are wonderful as is advice. But unless you act upon things that is all they will ever be. Essentially you must begin to take back that part of your life you have lost control over and you can only do that by making this stand. Otherwise it will get worse. That is not in anyway to frighten you BTW, but you are obviously trying to cope with a situation you may not be use to handling. Hence, why it is important to take certain steps.

Eager_Elephant · 23 March 2009 at 4:56PM

Just read this and thought I better post. Hugs for you to start with.

Firstly I think we need to break the problems down into manageable chunks.

So - do you want to give your relationship another try? If you are unsure then it may be better to say that you don't want to try again for now so that you can start moving on.
It seems to me he is wanting his cake and eating it, and because you are so vulnerable he knows you will always be his fall back.

Secondly - As long as your ex has another address where he spends the majority of his time then you can claim JSA (IB). Does he pay any bills at the moment? (this would be abig factor in whether they think you live together)

If you and (ex) OH are hetting back together then he needs to live with you permanently - who is paying the mortgage?

If you are having to pay it, could you move out and find cheap rented accomodation or do you have family who could put you up for a while?

If push comes to shove then if the property is repossessed and you have a short fall you could go bankrupt so there is a solution.

I know this has gone all over the place, but the most important thing is that I think you need to see your GP, it sounds like you have depression which would not be unusual considering all you have gone through.

EE

Nargleblast · 23 March 2009 at 4:58PM

Blondie it is always worth doing an SOA because by putting your situation on paper in black and white you will have taken the first step to regaining control. Of course it won't make pretty reading but we're here to offer constructive advice, not admire the decor!

Sounds like you are in a deep hole at present physically, mentally and emotionally, but there is always a way round the problem. Do the SOA NOW - carpe diem and all that. It will help, I promise you.

blondiedebtfree · 23 March 2009 at 5:01PM

I cant claim NI based as i was self employed so i dont know what to do.
Im so confused i dont know if i want to be with him. He yells at me all the time

when i had i job i paid it. as he earns so little he cant pay it on his own so this is the last payment. i feel so stressed and guilty for not having a job it will be all my fault if i lose my home. i have nowhere i can go

My sister is booking me to see the doctor today. i dont want to b a problem and like this

Birdie85 · 23 March 2009 at 5:03PM

Blondie, I've been reading your diary but haven't posted in there yet and it really does seem like you've been through the mill. I'm so sorry that you feel like you've hit rock bottom but now you know that there is only one way to go from here- up! Have you spoken to CAB? I don't really know anything about benefits, would you be entitled to anything extra if OH was definitely off the scene? Can you get on a housing list and leave him in the flat?

I wish I could help you more, I really do. Hopefully someone who really knows what they're talking about will be able to help you.

Thriftysaver · 23 March 2009 at 5:03PM

Hi Blondie,

It's not your fault. Things happen in life that our out of our control. You wasn't to know you were going to be made redundant twice and then to top it up lose a baby.

Talk to the debt counsellors or CAB to arrange payment with you cc. Get your oh to sit down with you and discuss what you are going to do with the mortgage. It's his mortgage too and he needs to take responsibility to sort it out with you. Just because he comes and goes the mortgage company won't see it that he has no obligation. You have equal responsibility.

See your GP also as you need to speak to someone to help sort your feelings out and to see where you want to go with regards your oh.

There is always a solution so don't fret too much. If oh is being this selfish then get selfish too. If that means you have to leave the flat and live with family and friend for a while then do it . Even if it means giving the keys back to the mortgage company. Worry only about you.

I'm sure there will be other people on to tell you about your options. But don't upset yourself too much. None of this is your fault.

Big hugs. Take care

Thrifty

Eager_Elephant · 23 March 2009 at 5:05PM

Hi blondie

Sorry I re-read your post and edited out the bit about JSA.

It sounds to me that you don't actually want to be in a relationship with him because of the way he treats you but on the other hand he is the only constant you have which is why you are putting up with it.

See what the doctor says and if you get anti-depressants it should help the mood swings etc and then you will feel better able to cope with everything.

So really you shouldn't have gone into the mortgage with him, it sounds as though he has been sponging of you, maybe he is waiting for when you are out of negative equity so he can claim some of it?

When you are able to maybe you could write down how you are feeling and then have a discussion with him about you both.

EE

on the verge of ending it. cant see a way out

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