Please give me a hug - am having a crap time....

jet77 · 22 December 2006 at 12:11AM

Hi,

I need a hug....

Basically I have been with the father of my children for 8 years and have been quite unhappy. I know that I'm not perfect and can be moody around certain times of the month but I know I don't deserve what's gone on at all. I have tried to end it a few times but he hasn't left me alone and I've ended up going back with him. He's threatened suicide a couple of times and 'tried' to hang himself when I've finished with him.

I'm not going to go in to the run up to the weekend coz I'd be here all night but will start on Friday last week. My friend rang me at 6 and asked if I wanted to go to another friends party. I can count the amount of times that I've been out on 1 hand in the last year and she had even lined up a babysitter for me so I said s. I went to pick up the babysitter and on the way back 'he' rang me from my house (which I've bought by myself with no help whatsoever from him). When I got back to the house we argued in front of the children. I told him that I should go out and find myself a man who treats me with some respect which he took to mean that if I went out I was going to cheat on him (never did and never would have) and told me that if I went out he would 'batter' me when I got in. He told our children that they would never see their dad again. He ripped my dress so that I couldn't wear it out. So I got changed and thought that I had to go out to prove a point even though it was the last thing that I wanted to do by this point. Anyway when I got back and passed out on the bed (v. v. drunk!) he came in (had been out looking for me I think) and dragged me by my leg in to the other room and then slapped me across the face. Our daughter was awake upstairs. He had never hurt me physically before.

The next day he stole my car. I rang my parents who live 150 miles away and they came to pick the children and I up. I went to his mums house with my dad and he gave me the car keys after my dad asked him. I went back to their house with them.

On Tuesday I went back to my home to get all the Xmas pressies and drop his dog round to him at his Mums(my friend had been looking after her). While I was there I made it perfectly clear that I did not want to be with him any more and that I would not stand in the way of his relationship with the kids.

I was going to stay at mine, wrap and deliver some pressies to friends and then head back to my parents (where I'd left the kids) yesterday morning. He rang me and I told him that I had nothing to say but he kept ringing constantly for 2 hours so I put my phone on silent. He then turned up at my house shouting to be let in - despite that he thought I was at my parents house. My Dad had changed the locks so he couldn't get in. I rang a friend who came and got me and took me to her house. He then broke my front door down and then walked to my friends house forcing my car keys out of my pocket and stealing my car again. I rang the police and was sat up with them until about 4 a.m. My poor rabbit was loose in the house and police dogs came in. He rang me and threated suicide again and took all of my antibiotics (i'm on them til feb 07), he also took my phone charger.

My front door has been botched back on and has a great big padlock on he outside. My patio door has been secured with wood as he has the key. I was too scared to even walk to the shop by myself - how pathetic is that. I have got insurance but they sent out a glazier instead of a locksmith/carpenter so I've had to leave the house as it is and come down to my parents. I had to be escorted to the house by the police to get all of the kids Xmas pressies and the rabbit and then to make the day a bit better the rabbit decided to wet himself in the back of the police car!!

Sorry this is so long but I'm a bit stressed. He still has my car. My daughters bike and scooter are in there that I got her for Xmas - but I've got all the other pressies with me.

He rang my parents house this evening to say that he has left the car on the drive with some presents he's bought for the kids in and posted the keys through the letter box but when I rang my neighbour the car wasn't there.

I'm scared to go home. I don't think he will leave me alone. I can't let the kids see the house in the state it's in but the insurance surveyors not coming out til 8th Jan. I don't want the kids to be any more damaged by this than they already have been.

Sh*t.............................

Luv Jxxx

whatatwit · 22 December 2006 at 12:19AM

How awful for you. :grouphug:
You've done the right thing by getting out of this relationship, now try and stay strong.
Can the police put you in touch with any organisation.
Did you see Crimewatch last night, there was a piece on domestic violence, I would hope the police have lots of info they can provide.

Dustykitten · 22 December 2006 at 12:20AM

Sending you a hug. You sound like your parents and friends are being a great support which is what you need right now. I can't offer you any advise but send you my heart felt wishes. Hug your children heaps it will help them feel secure DK x

rog2 · 22 December 2006 at 12:21AM

Sorry to read about your problems jp. It's not the sort of thing that I can give advice on but I CAN give you a big hug, as requested. :grouphug: :grouphug:
Hope things get better for you.

Triker · 22 December 2006 at 12:30AM

Firstly a hug for you, you sound like you need it.
:grouphug:

Secondly you need to speak to the domestic violence liaison officer who will be part of your county's police force. Ring and ask to speak with them asap.
They should be able to give you a picture of your rights and the role they have to play in upholding them.
I'm so sorry that you have been scared and obviously the timing of christmas just around the corner doesn't help.
Obviously feelings are running very high at the moment so I would plan for the short term for now.
Can you stay at your parents for christmas?

For your ex to threaten suicide is a pattern of behaviour that in the past has worked.So he will again threaten and maybe even attempt some kind of self harm.

This is not your responsibility, it is a behaviour that your ex has learned has got him the results he requires, namely you going back to him.

Sweetie, this is an ending, endings are always rough but out of this there will be a beginning and that is what you need to hold on to at the moment.
You sound like you have caring parents, let them look after you for a while until you have decided your next step.

Keep posting and another hug for you XXXX

wilf55 · 22 December 2006 at 12:32AM

hi j

been in a similar situation as you very similar ended up going back which i regret deeply...stay strong you have good support from your parents by the look of things if he wants to commit suicide the awful as it sounds let him!!! dont give in to him like i have done this end ive been in 2 domestic violence refuges and they are not very nice...really horrendous infact but at least they tend to be safe it might be an option no doubt you know the avenues to get in touch with one the numbers are in the local library local authoriy police etc etc you could even get in one near your mum and dads

if you want to chat send me a pm and will give you my number take care and be safe and be strong kids are more resiliant than you think so think of yourself as number one for a little while hard i know but you need to be strong to think straight and make proper well though decisions

i havent done things the way i wanted to do them but i can give you first hand details of what its like and can be a shoulder to cry on from someone whose been through it

good luck babe

all the best
debs

xxx

and take care

SunderlandBlackCat · 22 December 2006 at 12:38AM

:eek: He's obviously unstable & needs professional help & you've done the right thing by ending it.

While its no comfort now, going through these short term traumas is the only way you will be able to build a better future.

Just remember when you need to treat yourself to a rant there's always someone here to listen.

jobbingmusician · 22 December 2006 at 12:41AM

Lots and lots of hugs from me and my DH. He was a victim of DV as well (yes, men do suffer as well). You sound as if you are coping brilliantly, but just to let you know - when you look back on this period you will realise that your self-esteem and confidence have been badly battered (as well as you). So that means that it's worth listening to your friends, and it also means that things will get a lot better. You sound like a great person though - the very very best over the Christmas period, and lots of love and hugs xxxxx

moozie_2 · 22 December 2006 at 12:46AM

I am so sorry, sounds pretty awful

No great words of wisdom but lots of virtual hugs for you :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

ginger · 22 December 2006 at 12:52AM

Please please please do not go back to him. Put yourself and your children first. He has to take control of his own life. If he threatens suicide then (hopefully) it will be an idle threat but if not then you cannot take responsibiity for what he does. Sweetie, that's how he keeps you coming back to him. If you still love him then you can help him , but don't give in to his blackmail. If you need help pm me.

Take care.
L

cathybird · 22 December 2006 at 1:23AM

sounds absolutely and utterly awful ... glad you & your kids are unscathed (relatively). And your rabbit (lots of people don't leave bad situations – violent relationships, emergencies where they're supposed to evacuate – because they won't leave their animals behind). Your partner sounds like he has deep problems & you should get away. I agree with Triker that you should speak to the police about domestic violence. Best of luck with dealing with your situation.

Please give me a hug - am having a crap time....

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