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Being too generous and how to stop?
Comments
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Blimey...£1,400 in benefits is not far short of my monthly take home pay...
Would be nice! Unfortunatley Notanewuser likes to exagerrate things because they disagree with the system and it "fits" their argument (see below) and they dont like that I am entitled to tax credits. My wage is £800 a month before tax & NI and my nursery fee's are £800 a month (2 children, both in nursery 3 days a week). I'm entitled to £276 a week which is both Child and Working tax credits and when I looked into it, I'm better off not working. but I chose to work. I suspect nootanewuser would also be a bit annoyed if i stayed at home and claimed every benefit going whilst actually having nothing stopping me from being able to work. Catch 22 - damned if i do, damned if i dont.notanewuser wrote: »If you're earning more because you're claiming as a single parent when you so obviously aren't (from memory you're earning £700 a month wages and £1400 a month in benefits) then expect the tables to be turned when HMRC investigate you.
Your memory needs checking dear - If you read up ^^^ and previous posts where we have had the same dicsussions you will see he does not and has not lived with me since March 2011 so yes, I claim the benefits that I am legally entitled to. bf has his own house etc, and is never ever in my house more than 2 days a week which, I did clarify with HMRC/Council etc to check that i was claiming correctly (but then you know this already because we have, again had the same convo). Your figures are also wrong - I get 33.70 CB (Which, everyone is entitled to whether they are working or not) I get WTC/CTC of £276 a week (Which goes towards the £800 child care bill I am slapped with every month so I can go to work) and I get £260 maintainence money for my kids. If you also remember rightly, I would be better of financially not working. You disagree with the system, fine. But dont try and twist things to make your case.zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »Practice saying 'no'. Don't make excuses, don't apologise, don't defend yourself. You say 'no'. If that is too hard, say 'I'd love to but can't afford it'. If he asks you out 'I'd love to but can't afford it', if he wants to go somewhere in the car with you 'I'd love to but I can't afford it'. If he really wants to be with you, he will find way to pay his way. Or he might lose interest, but at least you'd know where you stand.
I quite like this idea. I'm terrible with cash though so might spend more if i have it readily on me
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Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »Would be nice! Unfortunatley Notanewuser likes to exagerrate things because they disagree with the system and it "fits" their argument (see below) and they dont like that I am entitled to tax credits. My wage is £800 a month before tax & NI and my nursery fee's are £800 a month (2 children, both in nursery 3 days a week). I'm entitled to £276 a week which is both Child and Working tax credits and when I looked into it, I'm better off not working. but I chose to work. I suspect nootanewuser would also be a bit annoyed if i stayed at home and claimed every benefit going whilst actually having nothing stopping me from being able to work. Catch 22 - damned if i do, damned if i dont.
I thought you said you had one kid? Sorry if I'm being a bit slow.0 -
Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »
Your memory needs checking dear - If you read up ^^^ and previous posts where we have had the same dicsussions you will see he does not and has not lived with me since March 2011 so yes, I claim the benefits that I am legally entitled to. bf has his own house etc, and is never ever in my house more than 2 days a week which, I did clarify with HMRC/Council etc to check that i was claiming correctly (but then you know this already because we have, again had the same convo). Your figures are also wrong - I get 33.70 CB (Which, everyone is entitled to whether they are working or not) I get WTC/CTC of £276 a week (Which goes towards the £800 child care bill I am slapped with every month so I can go to work) and I get £260 maintainence money for my kids. If you also remember rightly, I would be better of financially not working. You disagree with the system, fine. But dont try and twist things to make your case.
I'm not twisting anything. Here's the SOA that you posted a few months back.Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »Okie Dokies! Here goes nothing. Have put some notes along side my SOA for referece
Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet
Household Information
Number of adults in household........... 1 2 adults at weekend as partner/Boyfriend whatever you want to call him visits so have to feed him (He does bring food occasionally!)
Number of children in household......... 2
Number of cars owned.................... 1
Monthly Income Details
Monthly income after tax................ 728.38
Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
Benefits................................ 1409.5 WTC/CTC/HB - HB is due to change as it is £8 per 4 weeks atm (Got a bonus in Jan which screwed benefit up, waiting on them to reassess it)
Other income............................ 313.81Maintenance from ex and £100 from partner
Total monthly income.................... 2451.69
Monthly Expense Details
Mortgage................................ 0
Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
Rent.................................... 314.6
Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
Council tax............................. 68.57
Electricity............................. 40 Estimated. I have put £20 in this week and will see how far it goes, i think i spend around £5-£10 a week.
Gas..................................... 40 Same as above
Oil..................................... 0
Water rates............................. 22.65
Telephone (land line)................... 30.2 Inc Broadband - in contract
Mobile phone............................ 50 Locked in contract
TV Licence.............................. 12.12
Satellite/Cable TV...................... 22 Sky, lowest package (most channels tbf as i threatened to leave)
Internet Services....................... 0
Groceries etc. ......................... 155 again estimated. last 2 weekly shops have been under £30. I'm checking cost on moneysupermarket, then looking for deals instore. What ever "change" i have I am putting in a savings account
Clothing................................ 0 As and when. This month I've spent £5 on tights for DD1
Petrol/diesel........................... 130 Trying to stop using car on daft journeys.
Road tax................................ 0 I don't budget monthly for this so have omitted it from S.O.A (It's £170 per year)
Car Insurance........................... 44.8
Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0 Again, I don't budget (dads a mechanic so get this done cheap! He pays for it and i pay him when i can)
Car parking............................. 0
Other travel............................ 0
Childcare/nursery....................... 701.75 For both children
Other child related expenses............ 48 £8 Swimming lessons for DD1 and £10 per week school dinners
Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 0
Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
Buildings insurance..................... 0
Contents insurance...................... 14.16
Life assurance ......................... 0
Other insurance......................... 0
Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 0 Only really buy my childrens birthdays/xmas, Don't budget monthly (Xmas i spent around £200 each)
Haircuts................................ 0 A friend does them every once in a while
Entertainment........................... 0
Holiday................................. 0
Emergency fund.......................... 0
Total monthly expenses.................. 1693.85
Assets
Cash.................................... 0
House value (Gross)..................... 0
Shares and bonds........................ 0
Car(s).................................. 0
Other assets............................ 0
Total Assets............................ 0
No Secured nor Hire Purchase Debts
Unsecured Debts
Description....................Debt......Monthly...APR
CC.............................1200......13........0 0% until Dec 2013
Total unsecured debts..........1200......13........-
Monthly Budget Summary
Total monthly income.................... 2,451.69
Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,693.85
Available for debt repayments........... 757.84
Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 13
Amount left after debt repayments....... 744.84 This is incorrect, depending on what i buy during month (For example, My MOT is Friday so thats £45. I've replaced car tyres which was £50) I KNOW i should budget for these, I will soon, Am just trying to lower cost first. I find i work better doing things a little at a time rather than try and do it all at once because i know i will fail.
Personal Balance Sheet Summary
Total assets (things you own)........... 0
Total HP & Secured debt................. -0
Total Unsecured debt.................... -1,200
Net Assets.............................. -1,200
£700 wages, £1400 benefits.
You've been with your PARTNER for years, have a child together, go on holiday together, visit his family together, eat out together, worry about his finances together, but live apart, presumably because you wouldn't be entitled to half of what you get if you did.
My husband and I have a 2 year old and he often has to work away from home. It doesn't make me a single parent, and neither are you.
You twist things to suit you - nothing on your SOA for entertainment but apparently it's costing you a fortune now.Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
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Your boyfriend has got it made. he lives the life of a single bloke, has no accountability and you support him. He won't tell you where he goes or what he does with his money.
Sorry to be blunt but ever thought he might actually be seeing other people. He clearly does not want to make any commitment so IMO if I were you I would bin him into touch. He is taking you for a ride. You have proved you can get yourself sorted out in financial matters and have the self esteem of working because you choose to - so deal with him in the same way. Yiu deserve better.0 -
Without being judgmental I would tell him to go and f**k himself until he sorts himself out and pays for not only himself but treats you and the child every now and then.
Maybe I am old fashioned but I enjoy treating my girlfriend now and then even if its just a small meal or a £5 thing of flowers once a month, it doesn't have to be major but spending £80 on a suit for him I would just not be having that at all!"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered, the point is to discover them."
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notanewuser wrote: »You've been with your PARTNER for years, have a child together, go on holiday together, visit his family together, eat out together, worry about his finances together, but live apart, presumably because you wouldn't be entitled to half of what you get if you did.
My husband and I have a 2 year old and he often has to work away from home. It doesn't make me a single parent, and neither are you.
You twist things to suit you - nothing on your SOA for entertainment but apparently it's costing you a fortune now.
Yes - from a FEW months ago. My Tax credits has changed now with the renewal coming in and until its been finalised its been dropped - I've over estimated by 2.5k this year so I would gladly have HMRC check into my accounts
I dont get the £8 a month HB any more and everyone is entitled to CB. I've not denied being in a relationship with him - READ UP ^^^^ - and actually, if we claimed jointly, we would STILL be entitled to WTC/CTC due to the nursery costs being ridiculosly high and i would STILL be better off sat on my behind watching day time tv. Would that make you more content with my life situation?
Your really hung up on what i call my OH arent you lol at 30, I'm probably too old to call him my BF. yet when I say partner you assume I mean husband. Your husband LIVES With you and OCCASSIONALLY works away - I guess he also contributes to your bills etc. My BF/Partner/OH what ever you want to call him LIVES an hour away - in his own house, with his own bills and see's us once a week. For all intent and purposes we are classed as single. He does not contribute to my bills, childcare, or infact any daily up brining of my children. I do not claim anything I am not entitled to - which is what really narks you., The fact that i am legally entitled to tax credits.
Yes, I go on holidays - which I save for and yes I visit his parents (are they not allowed to see their grandchild?) and yes my SOA was incorrect - we established that ON THE SOA where it says its incorrect but you failed to highlight that point.0 -
Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »I know this is probably the wrong board but:
Both me and my bf have debts (Mine is a £700 CC 0% until dec 2013 and have a budget plan - CC will be paid off within 5 weeks) bf lives in his OD, no budget, no money.
I ALWAYS seem to end up paying for everything and im getting fed up of it. I always feel bad that he has no money and "treat" him - I just cant seem to say no.
Besides giving my bank cards to my mum for safe keeping (and at 30 i shouldnt have to!) is there any way i can "train" my mind into thinking "stuff him"
CC would be paid off a hell of a lot quicker if i stopped treating him (For example - I've just spent £80 on a suit for him because he "needed" one, We're going to see his parents but it will be me who buys the petrol and spending money, We're going out for a meal which again, im expected to pay for because its me who wants to go)
I KNOW he is taking me for a ride. But how do i stop it. This is causing some serious arguments but its always me who ends up backing down.
Sorry - more of a rant than anything wasnt it!
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to dump this bloke! If he thinks its acceptable for him to fritter away his money while you spend your money on HIM he is not worthy of you or your love. I lived with somebody like this for 4 years and am so happy I finally saw the light and got rid of him. Hes a parasite, dump him seriously!0 -
I think, notanewuser, you are making some assumptions about the op and her financial affairs because you have an axe to grind about benefits.
Why not take it to a political forum instead of addressing her post. There are lots of people who get a lot in in work benefits. Perhaps employers should pay a living wage, or childcare could be more affordable. But no, you choose to attack a poster because you resent her circumstances.
Anyway, op: stop paying for your bf. either he's in or he's out. The money you pay for him is taking money away for the child you have together. Not sure if he'd register that if you put it that way?
I think there are probably underlying emotional reasons why you're spending on him. To keep him? Guilt? Because it makes you feel good? Understanding those might help you to start creating some boundaries (and stick to them!)0 -
OP, if you can't afford your bf, and it rather sounds like you can't if it is hindering you paying off your own debts, why do you want him to move back in?
He won't tell you where his own money goes. I can tell you where it goes; living the part of his life not spent with you, the part where you are not available to be sponged off. My heart sank, reading how you bought him clothes. Does he contribute anything at all to your household financially, for your daughter even, if not for you?
Way back when the children were small, I used to be the main breadwinner. We worked opposite hours but I earned way more than my OH, because he could only work part time hours due to my working hours. So at the time I was paying all the main bills. The OH's money tended to be more pocket money for him and for the occasional food bill. It's only in retrospect, looking back, and having worked directly with him since that time for many years, that I realised how much I let him off the hook. I paid for overseas holidays to see his family. He would send some of his earnings to his family, ahead of seeing to his own immediate family.
OP, this way of living is a mug's game. Addictions can be expensive. If your bf smokes, likes to go down to the pub with his mates and isn't adverse to the odd flutter or two, that lifestyle will soak up a big chunk of his income in no time at all. Your wee girl is only 2. If you want to have something to show for your working life in 20 or 30 years time, you need to call a halt to subsidising your bf's lifestyle now.
If you put £50 in a savings account, just added to it at a modest £50 a month, at around 3% interest net per annum, calculated monthly, at the end of 20 years you would not only be debt free but have over £16k in savings.
If you go the other way, i.e. start off with £50 in debt, at 18.9% per annum, increased by £50 a month every month for the next 20 years, that oversepnd, of a mere £12,000 over the next 20 years, will have ballooned to a debt of £131,000.
People who took out mortgages 20 years ago and are still owing huge amounts on them haven't got to that position because they have massively overspent. It could have just been a trickle, month in month out, people failing to live within their means by a quite modest amount.0
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