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  • FIRST POST
    • Facknats
    • By Facknats 17th Nov 19, 1:32 PM
    • 48Posts
    • 61Thanks
    Facknats
    Buying house & differing attitudes
    • #1
    • 17th Nov 19, 1:32 PM
    Buying house & differing attitudes 17th Nov 19 at 1:32 PM
    I'm going to start with the disclaimer that I realise we are in a very fortunate position- and I feel a bit spoilt having these concerns!

    We are currently saving for a house and expect to reach our savings goals by summer 2020.

    My boyfriend has slightly more relaxed attitudes towards savings & money, coming from a very well off family. He has recently inherited 5k and his parents have offered a further 5k towards a house.

    . I have stipulated that I still want to see him save and contribute 5k of his own money- reason being, I am cautious about gaining an asset which is expensive to maintain if he is not interested or ready to take any responsibility himself.

    . So far it has taken a year of pestering to get him to open a Lifetime ISA, which would provide at minimum a free 1k- or the equivalent of 3 months of my own saving power! This is a 5 minute job.

    . He earns more than me and since I stated I want to see him save his own money has easily caught up. Previously his money goes on computers, takeaways and his boy racer car.

    . He has currently put in no research- rather than attend a first time buyers event where we would learn about the process opted to go to a drum n bass festival.

    . He reasons that since we should just buy in the summer since with his parents money we could easily leave our very run down rented accommodation.

    . Since moving into the rented house he has yet to take any responsibility over maintenance (e.g calling out for drains or hedges, the landlord offered a new carpet but he did not call the carpet fitters). I have left some jobs to him to see how they fare but always have to pick them up.

    Am I being picky in feeling that I am a bit wary about buying a shared asset which for all intents and purposes, he will own a larger share of, but which I will likely need to clean, maintain and pay for improvements etc, while there is a risk he will continue spending on fast cars and 10 pots of caviar? I am inclined to say we need to wait til he has reached his saving goal and his LISA matures which will add another 6 months or so to renting and also cost me money. Cutting off nose to spite face?

    We have no other real difficulties- he's kind, funny and caring, just when it comes to adult life I am usually left struggling up a ladder on my own while he plays PC games.

    Advice?

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    Last edited by MSE ForumTeam3; 20-11-2019 at 12:03 PM.
Page 1
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 17th Nov 19, 1:46 PM
    • 12,624 Posts
    • 17,327 Thanks
    hazyjo
    • #2
    • 17th Nov 19, 1:46 PM
    • #2
    • 17th Nov 19, 1:46 PM
    Honestly? Please don't take it the wrong way, but you do sound a bit like his mum!
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn; Moisturising 'M&S Time Capsules'; Case of Boost Sport + 30 Just Eat voucher; Battle Proms tickets and hotel; under-eye serum, various tools...
    • oystercatcher
    • By oystercatcher 17th Nov 19, 1:58 PM
    • 1,973 Posts
    • 5,043 Thanks
    oystercatcher
    • #3
    • 17th Nov 19, 1:58 PM
    • #3
    • 17th Nov 19, 1:58 PM
    I think you are right to worry.

    Life experience has taught me that most people don't change. So, expect him to carry on spending on himself without thought, even when money is tight, should that happen. Yes, he will continue to play computer games while you sort everything out for him. This is probably what his parents let him do and it is 'normal' for him, he hasn't had to grow up and do stuff for himself yet, other people do that ! There is an extreme danger that you will become a 'Mummy' figure who runs around looking after him sorting bills and washing socks etc etc because whatever he is doing at that moment is more important than what you are doing!

    If you have children together I wonder who will get up at night for them etc etc ?

    I'm thinking worst case scenario, he might change but many people don't. People who earn a lot can end up thinking they are more important than those around them who don't earn as much, their careers and time are less valuable so they can do the boring jobs . Do you want to live like this ?

    Try not doing a few things for him and suggesting he helps and see what happens. I certainly wouldn't rush into buying a house with him.
    • Facknats
    • By Facknats 17th Nov 19, 2:18 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 61 Thanks
    Facknats
    • #4
    • 17th Nov 19, 2:18 PM
    • #4
    • 17th Nov 19, 2:18 PM
    You all make valid points. He has started doing more around the house, without being asked the past year (cleans kitchen daily, walks dog, cooks most meals). He learnt how to use the electric meter.

    I think I will heed warnings and wait longer to make sure he has had to work as hard towards the house as his parents and myself have- I think he has just not ever been challenged to reach financial goals himself... so the 'go save your own' statement was a shock.
    • Socajam
    • By Socajam 17th Nov 19, 2:24 PM
    • 699 Posts
    • 1,046 Thanks
    Socajam
    • #5
    • 17th Nov 19, 2:24 PM
    • #5
    • 17th Nov 19, 2:24 PM
    I second oystercatcher's comments
    Have a joint bank account only for bills, keep the rest of your money separate, no joint CCs.
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 17th Nov 19, 2:50 PM
    • 1,525 Posts
    • 3,060 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    • #6
    • 17th Nov 19, 2:50 PM
    • #6
    • 17th Nov 19, 2:50 PM
    Don’t buy a house together. You aren’t a good match.

    You’ll drive each other crazier and crazier until the relationship blows up and then you’ll have a house and a mortgage to deal with.
    • goodwithsaving
    • By goodwithsaving 17th Nov 19, 3:07 PM
    • 981 Posts
    • 1,630 Thanks
    goodwithsaving
    • #7
    • 17th Nov 19, 3:07 PM
    • #7
    • 17th Nov 19, 3:07 PM
    It isn't spoilt to have saved for your own home. Knock that thought on its head straightaway.



    I personally wouldn't. I bought with someone who had a lax attitude to saving and never again. The repairs fell to me, he moaned that I always had money etc.


    Plough on and buy solo if you've reservations. Don't buy with someone for the sake of being able to buy.
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 17th Nov 19, 3:25 PM
    • 4,621 Posts
    • 5,240 Thanks
    Marvel1
    • #8
    • 17th Nov 19, 3:25 PM
    • #8
    • 17th Nov 19, 3:25 PM
    Break up and do it alone.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th Nov 19, 6:39 PM
    • 24,437 Posts
    • 65,725 Thanks
    Pollycat
    • #9
    • 17th Nov 19, 6:39 PM
    • #9
    • 17th Nov 19, 6:39 PM
    Honestly? Please don't take it the wrong way, but you do sound a bit like his mum!
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    I think the OP's partner sounds like her son (or someone else's child).
    And I would run for the hills away from a relationship like that.
    • Takeaway_Addict
    • By Takeaway_Addict 17th Nov 19, 6:55 PM
    • 6,137 Posts
    • 7,082 Thanks
    Takeaway_Addict
    I'm going to start with the disclaimer that I realise we are in a very fortunate position- and I feel a bit spoilt having these concerns!

    We are currently saving for a house and expect to reach our savings goals by summer 2020.

    My boyfriend has slightly more relaxed attitudes towards savings & money, coming from a very well off family. He has recently inherited 5k and his parents have offered a further 5k towards a house.

    . I have stipulated that I still want to see him save and contribute 5k of his own money- reason being, I am cautious about gaining an asset which is expensive to maintain if he is not interested or ready to take any responsibility himself.

    . So far it has taken a year of pestering to get him to open a Lifetime ISA, which would provide at minimum a free 1k- or the equivalent of 3 months of my own saving power! This is a 5 minute job.

    . He earns more than me and since I stated I want to see him save his own money has easily caught up. Previously his money goes on computers, takeaways and his boy racer car.

    . He has currently put in no research- rather than attend a first time buyers event where we would learn about the process opted to go to a drum n bass festival.

    . He reasons that since we should just buy in the summer since with his parents money we could easily leave our very run down rented accommodation.

    . Since moving into the rented house he has yet to take any responsibility over maintenance (e.g calling out for drains or hedges, the landlord offered a new carpet but he did not call the carpet fitters). I have left some jobs to him to see how they fare but always have to pick them up.

    Am I being picky in feeling that I am a bit wary about buying a shared asset which for all intents and purposes, he will own a larger share of, but which I will likely need to clean, maintain and pay for improvements etc, while there is a risk he will continue spending on fast cars and 10 pots of caviar? I am inclined to say we need to wait til he has reached his saving goal and his LISA matures which will add another 6 months or so to renting and also cost me money. Cutting off nose to spite face?

    We have no other real difficulties- he's kind, funny and caring, just when it comes to adult life I am usually left struggling up a ladder on my own while he plays PC games.

    Advice?
    Originally posted by Facknats
    Is he in debt?
    Don't trust a forum for advice. Get proper paid advice. Any advice given should always be checked
    • cheeky-peach
    • By cheeky-peach 17th Nov 19, 7:41 PM
    • 113 Posts
    • 169 Thanks
    cheeky-peach
    I've been there. Wanting to buy a house and 'grow up' but at the time, was with someone who wanted to play video games, eat junk food and expect his washing done for him. Basically, I was a second mother. He was not someone who took initiative and expected praise for every single 'house job' he did in our rented place. I was essentially living with a teenager.

    He didn't change. I realised too late that this was the case and by this point we were married but (every silver lining) didn't own a house. Our marriage ended and we went our separate ways. People are always shocked to learn that we didn't split on bad terms, it was purely that we were completely different people who wanted different things in life, I just had the illusion that he would want the same things as me "some day".

    I'm not saying your fella is going to be the same but, from experience, people do tend not to change.
    • SensibleSarah
    • By SensibleSarah 18th Nov 19, 1:25 PM
    • 299 Posts
    • 360 Thanks
    SensibleSarah
    My brother was one of these types. Didn't take much very seriously at all until he and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy - he was in his mid-late 20s at the time, so not a kid. Now I'm definitely not telling you to do this but it absolutely was the making of him. He really stepped up in all areas of his life.

    Just for those saying that people can't change - yes sometimes they absolutely can - but in my experience, they need a reason to.
    • bargainbetty
    • By bargainbetty 18th Nov 19, 1:42 PM
    • 3,112 Posts
    • 7,187 Thanks
    bargainbetty
    I married a man who, while utterly lovely and willing to do absolutely anything I asked of him, had no ability to see what needed to be done without being told. It becomes increasingly frustrating and engenders deep resentment. When you can't trust someone to take the most basic care of your home and self, you lose a lot of respect for them. Without trust and respect, love becomes very hollow, very quickly. We divorced after only a few years of marriage.

    If you aren't on the same page about shared responsibility, then you are starting from an unequal footing and that rarely resolves itself easily.

    It may be that he has been so very privileged that he genuinely doesn't see the need for certain tasks. Have a very honest conversation with him, and explain why this issue concerns you. Explain that you need to know that you two are a partnership, and not one of you dragging the other along.

    If he makes efforts, support him and be positive, even if he doesn't do things your way - this is a common thing too! If he does it, be happy. If you tell him he did it wrong because he didn't do it your way, you create your own problem.

    If he brushes it off and rejects it, then you have the facts you need to make a decision fro your own future.
    Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps....
    LB moment - March 2006. DFD - 1 June 2012!!! DEBT FREE!
    MFW - Joined May 2012, aiming to cut the mortgage by an extra two months every year. (Overpaid 3000 so far)
    , only 11 years to go.

    • Lover of Lycra
    • By Lover of Lycra 18th Nov 19, 1:58 PM
    • 780 Posts
    • 1,723 Thanks
    Lover of Lycra
    He doesn't seem that bothered about buying somewhere so there's no point trying to badger him into doing it. The FTB event sounds a bit boring and unnecessary so no wonder he wanted to go and do something else. The house buying process isn't that complicated and there are lots of free guides on the internet, including this one from MSE: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/mortgage-guide/

    I have been in the position of being about to take that next step in a relationship and by that point we had slipped into a parent/child relationship and I had really started to resent him. I am so thankful we had not bought anywhere together. Although he might not have been happy about the relationship ending at the time it was preferable to being tied into a 25 year mortgage with a nagging shrew who had damaged her optical muscles through repeated eye rolling.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 18th Nov 19, 2:52 PM
    • 31,831 Posts
    • 81,496 Thanks
    Mojisola
    My brother was one of these types. Didn't take much very seriously at all until he and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy - he was in his mid-late 20s at the time, so not a kid. Now I'm definitely not telling you to do this but it absolutely was the making of him. He really stepped up in all areas of his life.

    Just for those saying that people can't change - yes sometimes they absolutely can - but in my experience, they need a reason to.
    Originally posted by SensibleSarah
    "Sometimes" is a very important qualifier.

    I know several couples who have children and it hasn't made any difference to the way the husbands behave - when asked, they say they have three children - two youngsters and a husband.
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 18th Nov 19, 3:22 PM
    • 8,013 Posts
    • 11,952 Thanks
    spadoosh
    Lmao.

    You sound like my wife.

    For what its worth, i pay my mortgage, care for my kid, manage my house and then get baked whilst rinsing kids on call of duty.
    Don't be angry!
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 18th Nov 19, 3:49 PM
    • 9,170 Posts
    • 33,337 Thanks
    Primrose
    I think yiu are very right to worry abiut this issue. At best if yiu end up marrying and having children yiu could be trapped with this attitude for 20, 30, 40 years. If it irritates you now, how will you be if you have children to care for, a job to hold down, are constantly exhausted and resentful and he's still sitting watching tv, spending his money on frivilous items or not taking his share of responsibility. .

    The stark reality is that most people don,t change their habits and attitudes and you really do ignore this at your peril. So many relationships collapse because partners have totally unreconcilable attitudes towards the handling of finances or domestic responsibilities which can cause endless stress.

    Sit down and have one final conversation with him on the issue and let him know this is a red line in the sand for you. Set a target and see if he's capable of achieving it and don,t make any commitments in the meantime. But also be aware that unless he really does change his attitude in these areas on a permanent basis you could well find yourself trailing down the same track time and time again in the future.

    ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU CAN LIVE WITH THIS UNCERTAINTY? A nice sense of humour isn't enough to pay the mortgage or the bills of help with the housework if you're sick or overworked. . Is this guy still going to be able to tick your "financially reliable" boxes 20 years down the line ?
    Last edited by Primrose; 18-11-2019 at 3:58 PM.
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 18th Nov 19, 4:12 PM
    • 10,611 Posts
    • 38,121 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    I know one couple with different approaches to money, but have stayed married, raised a family, have a lovely house - but I have to say the financial worrier is the high earning husband.

    In your shoes OP, I might endure a bit longer to see if he can meet the challenge set. With a quiet determination to move off solo if he fails.

    Which would be painful, but nowhere near as bad as hitting the same rocks several years down the line.
    • kazwookie
    • By kazwookie 18th Nov 19, 4:21 PM
    • 11,126 Posts
    • 131,443 Thanks
    kazwookie
    I
    . I have stipulated that I still want to see him save and contribute 5k of his own money- reason being, I am cautious about gaining an asset which is expensive to maintain if he is not interested or ready to take any responsibility himself.

    . So far it has taken a year of pestering to get him to open a Lifetime ISA, which would provide at minimum a free 1k- or the equivalent of 3 months of my own saving power! This is a 5 minute job.

    . He earns more than me and since I stated I want to see him save his own money has easily caught up. Previously his money goes on computers, takeaways and his boy racer car.

    . He has currently put in no research- rather than attend a first time buyers event where we would learn about the process opted to go to a drum n bass festival.

    . He reasons that since we should just buy in the summer since with his parents money we could easily leave our very run down rented accommodation.

    . Since moving into the rented house he has yet to take any responsibility over maintenance (e.g calling out for drains or hedges, the landlord offered a new carpet but he did not call the carpet fitters). I have left some jobs to him to see how they fare but always have to pick them up.

    Advice?
    Originally posted by Facknats

    You have stipulated..............



    TBH If I was this bloke I would run for the hills, it reads as all about you, what does he want..............


    I would be moving on from you......................
    Sun, Sea

    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 18th Nov 19, 5:32 PM
    • 6,519 Posts
    • 11,394 Thanks
    Gavin83
    In all honesty in regards to the finances I'm a little confused. You say he doesn't save then go on to say he's caught you up and now has more saved than you. Which is it? In all honesty you should have a financial target to reach by a certain date, how he chooses to achieve that should be entirely up to him. It's not your responsibility to manage his finances, assuming he's paying his way.

    What's the issue here? Is it:
    1) Money? (and if so what exactly, as I'm lost)
    2) Him having hobbies you consider inappropriate?
    3) Him not helping with housework/DIY? (which I get)
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