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Buying house & differing attitudes

edited 20 November 2019 at 12:03PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
43 replies 7.6K views
FacknatsFacknats Forumite
64 posts
10 Posts First Anniversary I've been Money Tipped!
edited 20 November 2019 at 12:03PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
I'm going to start with the disclaimer that I realise we are in a very fortunate position- and I feel a bit spoilt having these concerns!

We are currently saving for a house and expect to reach our savings goals by summer 2020.

My boyfriend has slightly more relaxed attitudes towards savings & money, coming from a very well off family. He has recently inherited £5k and his parents have offered a further 5k towards a house.

. I have stipulated that I still want to see him save and contribute £5k of his own money- reason being, I am cautious about gaining an asset which is expensive to maintain if he is not interested or ready to take any responsibility himself.

. So far it has taken a year of pestering to get him to open a Lifetime ISA, which would provide at minimum a free £1k- or the equivalent of 3 months of my own saving power! This is a 5 minute job.

. He earns more than me and since I stated I want to see him save his own money has easily caught up. Previously his money goes on computers, takeaways and his boy racer car.

. He has currently put in no research- rather than attend a first time buyers event where we would learn about the process opted to go to a drum n bass festival.

. He reasons that since we should just buy in the summer since with his parents money we could easily leave our very run down rented accommodation.

. Since moving into the rented house he has yet to take any responsibility over maintenance (e.g calling out for drains or hedges, the landlord offered a new carpet but he did not call the carpet fitters). I have left some jobs to him to see how they fare but always have to pick them up.

Am I being picky in feeling that I am a bit wary about buying a shared asset which for all intents and purposes, he will own a larger share of, but which I will likely need to clean, maintain and pay for improvements etc, while there is a risk he will continue spending on fast cars and £10 pots of caviar? I am inclined to say we need to wait til he has reached his saving goal and his LISA matures which will add another 6 months or so to renting and also cost me money. Cutting off nose to spite face?

We have no other real difficulties- he's kind, funny and caring, just when it comes to adult life I am usually left struggling up a ladder on my own while he plays PC games.

Advice?
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Replies

  • hazyjohazyjo Forumite
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    Honestly? Please don't take it the wrong way, but you do sound a bit like his mum!
    2020 wins: nada (yet)
  • oystercatcheroystercatcher Forumite
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    I think you are right to worry.

    Life experience has taught me that most people don't change. So, expect him to carry on spending on himself without thought, even when money is tight, should that happen. Yes, he will continue to play computer games while you sort everything out for him. This is probably what his parents let him do and it is 'normal' for him, he hasn't had to grow up and do stuff for himself yet, other people do that ! There is an extreme danger that you will become a 'Mummy' figure who runs around looking after him sorting bills and washing socks etc etc because whatever he is doing at that moment is more important than what you are doing!

    If you have children together I wonder who will get up at night for them etc etc ?

    I'm thinking worst case scenario, he might change but many people don't. People who earn a lot can end up thinking they are more important than those around them who don't earn as much, their careers and time are less valuable so they can do the boring jobs . Do you want to live like this ?

    Try not doing a few things for him and suggesting he helps and see what happens. I certainly wouldn't rush into buying a house with him.
  • FacknatsFacknats Forumite
    64 posts
    10 Posts First Anniversary I've been Money Tipped!
    You all make valid points. He has started doing more around the house, without being asked the past year (cleans kitchen daily, walks dog, cooks most meals). He learnt how to use the electric meter.

    I think I will heed warnings and wait longer to make sure he has had to work as hard towards the house as his parents and myself have- I think he has just not ever been challenged to reach financial goals himself... so the 'go save your own' statement was a shock.
  • SocajamSocajam Forumite
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    I second oystercatcher's comments
    Have a joint bank account only for bills, keep the rest of your money separate, no joint CCs.
  • onwards&upwardsonwards&upwards Forumite
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    Don’t buy a house together. You aren’t a good match.

    You’ll drive each other crazier and crazier until the relationship blows up and then you’ll have a house and a mortgage to deal with.
  • goodwithsavinggoodwithsaving Forumite
    1K posts
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    It isn't spoilt to have saved for your own home. Knock that thought on its head straightaway.



    I personally wouldn't. I bought with someone who had a lax attitude to saving and never again. The repairs fell to me, he moaned that I always had money etc.


    Plough on and buy solo if you've reservations. Don't buy with someone for the sake of being able to buy.
    Every time you borrow money, you’re robbing your future self. –Nathan W. Morris
  • Marvel1Marvel1 Forumite
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    Break up and do it alone.
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    hazyjo wrote: »
    Honestly? Please don't take it the wrong way, but you do sound a bit like his mum!

    I think the OP's partner sounds like her son (or someone else's child).
    And I would run for the hills away from a relationship like that.
  • Takeaway_AddictTakeaway_Addict Forumite
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    Facknats wrote: »
    I'm going to start with the disclaimer that I realise we are in a very fortunate position- and I feel a bit spoilt having these concerns!

    We are currently saving for a house and expect to reach our savings goals by summer 2020.

    My boyfriend has slightly more relaxed attitudes towards savings & money, coming from a very well off family. He has recently inherited £5k and his parents have offered a further 5k towards a house.

    . I have stipulated that I still want to see him save and contribute £5k of his own money- reason being, I am cautious about gaining an asset which is expensive to maintain if he is not interested or ready to take any responsibility himself.

    . So far it has taken a year of pestering to get him to open a Lifetime ISA, which would provide at minimum a free £1k- or the equivalent of 3 months of my own saving power! This is a 5 minute job.

    . He earns more than me and since I stated I want to see him save his own money has easily caught up. Previously his money goes on computers, takeaways and his boy racer car.

    . He has currently put in no research- rather than attend a first time buyers event where we would learn about the process opted to go to a drum n bass festival.

    . He reasons that since we should just buy in the summer since with his parents money we could easily leave our very run down rented accommodation.

    . Since moving into the rented house he has yet to take any responsibility over maintenance (e.g calling out for drains or hedges, the landlord offered a new carpet but he did not call the carpet fitters). I have left some jobs to him to see how they fare but always have to pick them up.

    Am I being picky in feeling that I am a bit wary about buying a shared asset which for all intents and purposes, he will own a larger share of, but which I will likely need to clean, maintain and pay for improvements etc, while there is a risk he will continue spending on fast cars and £10 pots of caviar? I am inclined to say we need to wait til he has reached his saving goal and his LISA matures which will add another 6 months or so to renting and also cost me money. Cutting off nose to spite face?

    We have no other real difficulties- he's kind, funny and caring, just when it comes to adult life I am usually left struggling up a ladder on my own while he plays PC games.

    Advice?

    Is he in debt?
    Don't trust a forum for advice. Get proper paid advice. Any advice given should always be checked
  • cheeky-peachcheeky-peach Forumite
    151 posts
    Third Anniversary 100 Posts
    I've been there. Wanting to buy a house and 'grow up' but at the time, was with someone who wanted to play video games, eat junk food and expect his washing done for him. Basically, I was a second mother. He was not someone who took initiative and expected praise for every single 'house job' he did in our rented place. I was essentially living with a teenager.

    He didn't change. I realised too late that this was the case and by this point we were married but (every silver lining) didn't own a house. Our marriage ended and we went our separate ways. People are always shocked to learn that we didn't split on bad terms, it was purely that we were completely different people who wanted different things in life, I just had the illusion that he would want the same things as me "some day".

    I'm not saying your fella is going to be the same but, from experience, people do tend not to change.
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