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Buying house & differing attitudes

edited 20 November 2019 at 12:03PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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  • pbakercassidypbakercassidy Forumite
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    "when it comes to adult life" you say.
    Sounds like YOU are an adult.
    Not your partner.
    Why would he "grow up" if you're there doing the adult stuff?
    there are other funny/ kind/ charming people around. Maybe leave this chap in his playpen life, and wait till you meet a grown up man.
  • I find it really annoying when my girlfriend tries to tell me how and what I should do with my pay, I earn more than her and pay a larger share of our house bills yet she seems to think she should have input in to what I do with my money.

    Your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong and as long as he pays his share of the deposit then does it really matter where it come from.

    What you see as a priority he might not and vice versa.
  • Teacher2Teacher2 Forumite
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    “he's kind, funny and caring,”

    I beg to differ. He is not kind or caring if he disregards your feelings and behaves like a spoilt child whilst you are being responsible. He might be “funny” but this will grate as his careless attitude causes more and more resentment. It will be like the fable of “The Grasshopper and the Ant” where the grasshopper played all summer while the ant toiled to make provision for the winter.

    I would not buy a house with this man. The enterprise has disaster written all over it. People need to have compatible attitudes about money before embarking on a life together.

    Read the Martin Lewis Forum websites, especially the the Debt Free Wannabe thread for takes of car crash broke women whose !!!!less, selfish, gambling others halves plunged their households into debt without their partners knowing.

    It is easy to be “kind, funny and caring” if you are a child or behaving like one. It is superficial charm and can turn nasty when the spoilt one does not get their own way.

    Sorry to be harsh, but I think you knew all this anyway from your description of your life together and your doubts and hesitation.
  • warby68warby68 Forumite
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    If you were 20 and 25, I'd say work on it with mutual conversations about goals.

    At 30 and 35, if he's still happy in grotty rented, gaming and relying on mummy and daddy with no particular life plans, I'd be on my way.

    This isn't about buying a house, its about incompatibility and immaturity.
  • paddy's_mumpaddy's_mum Forumite
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    Facknats wrote: »
    I'd like teamwork to become a little more financially resilient

    This is the nub of it. You are more wary of disaster than him. You want to see a little bit of proof that he is singing from the same hymnsheet because otherwise you aren't a team. In your shoes, I'd be thinking in much the same way.

    You need a partner not a colleague.

    Good luck.
  • lessonlearnedlessonlearned Forumite
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    Opposites often attract, and can build very successful and happy relationships. However, only if they share the same core values.

    I would say that you and your boyfriend do not share the same core values, at least not yet. It sounds like you are still at different stages in your mental and emotional development.

    Will he change - hard to say, some people do, some don't.

    Many people are "late bloomers" and at the risk of sounding sexist I do think that very often it is the men who take a little longer to "adult" and grasp the nettle of being fully fledged grown ups.

    Basically you need to ask yourself one simple question "Do you love him enough to want to share your life with him as he is, or is your love conditional on him changing".

    Only you can answer that one.

    As others have said humour and charm can wear thin if it's not backed up with strength of character and a willingness to fully participate in a relationship. To make a full and lasting commitment.

    You might be advised to take and a wait and see approach. How long you wait is of course the tricky one. If you envisage having children then you might be advised not too wait too long for him to grow up. Sorry to be so blunt but if you do want children then your biological clock is ticking. Currently he doesn't sound good father material.

    Having said all that relationships are often about taking a leap of faith because they don't come with guarantees.

    I was 31 when I met my husband, he was 25.

    On paper he was not a good bet.:rotfl: Skint, drifting, and with at least 3 other girlfriends in tow and a devil may care attitude to life. He lived in rented accommodation, his only possessions a clapped out car and his record collection. I was the homeowner. He was the party animal, I was the quiet one, he was sports mad, I loathed sport. You get the picture.

    But somehow the magic worked.......We were together for 34 glorious years, until his death. Shortly before his death he wrote his memoirs. In his book he describes our first meeting and I quote.......

    "I saw her and that was it. She was The One. It was time to change my ways and up my game, my days as a Wild Boy were over".

    My Wild Boy always retained his charm, his humour and his sense of fun but from the day we met he put me (and later our children) first. In short he committed.

    Despite being polar opposites we did share the same core values - a commitment to building a strong marriage, a devotion to each other and a determination to be the best parents we could be. Ultimately it's the sharing of core values that count. If you are on the same page and pull together you can rise to meet life's challenges. If not then the relationship will fail.

    I am afraid it does sound like your boyfriend isn't ready yet to take that leap and make the necessary commitment.
  • SystemSystem Forumite
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    I would honestly forget about a joint property.

    He's just not interested in being a home-owner, which is about more than saving a deposit and calling mortgage brokers and cutting the front hedge. He's made it clear that his preferred way to live is to pay someone else to do all these things (cooking his dinner included). Setting conditions like saving 5K is not really going to solve his lack of interest. The two of you just have differing priorities. If your relationship is going to survive, you need to accept that as a trade-off for all of his good points, not try to fix him.

    Yes, you've changed yourself but that was a choice - and nobody else can force someone's priorities to change.

    Drop the subject completely, save a bit more. See if he ever asks you about buying again - I suspect he will not say a word about it. That will teach you far more about his priorities. If he asks, be clear that you don't think it's a good time to buy together and you prefer just to save for your future.

    And if the mood strikes you in a few years you can go for a buy-to-let on your own.
  • Gavin83Gavin83 Forumite
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    Honestly are people reading a different thread to me?

    The guy has saved up and appears to have saved more than the OP. He's not exactly penniless and while buying a house doesn't appear to be quite as big a priority he's still clearly making an effort towards it.

    The OPs main gripe appears to be that he isn't saving the rest of his salary for a 'rainy day' and I really don't see this as immature, more just a different mindset to her. It is of course good to have a buffer but some people take it too far.
  • PrimrosePrimrose Forumite
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    Gavin83 wrote: »

    The OPs main gripe appears to be that he isn't saving the rest of his salary for a 'rainy day' and I really don't see this as immature, more just a different mindset to her. It is of course good to have a buffer but some people take it too far.

    Whilst this can quite rightly be labelled as a "gripe" from one point of view, the fact of the matter is that for many people issues about differing financial perspectives can be a serious concern if they involve habits or viewpoints that are likely to linger unchanged throughout the duration of a relationship.

    Ongoing niggles about money can unfortunately undermine things like a slow steady drip of a tap, so if our poster is having concerns about this now I think she is only right to question her feelings, seek advice and consider how to proceed.

    How many individuals have progressed into the deeper stages of marriage or property purchase ignoring their initial concerns and then regretted it later?
  • spadooshspadoosh Forumite
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    Primrose wrote: »
    Whilst this can quite rightly be labelled as a "gripe" from one point of view, the fact of the matter is that for many people issues about differing financial perspectives can be a serious concern if they involve habits or viewpoints that are likely to linger unchanged throughout the duration of a relationship.

    Ongoing niggles about money can unfortunately undermine things like a slow steady drip of a tap, so if our poster is having concerns about this now I think she is only right to question her feelings, seek advice and consider how to proceed.

    How many individuals have progressed into the deeper stages of marriage or property purchase ignoring their initial concerns and then regretted it later?

    Silly argument. How many people have jumped in to marriage and stayed together forever?

    Ultimately you dont know exactly the person your partner will become.

    A relationship to me is about being able to compromise. It appears from the direction of this thread that not everyone shares my views. They expect to get everything they want and think they can either demand changes or should leave. Of course no suggestion at all to the OP that they could change their outlook. Well people dont change.

    This thread is a pretty accurate reflection of society. A guy who plays computer games getting chastised for being immature. The guy is saving for ahouse, works a decent job, has no apparent vices (drugs, drink, gambling, other women) and for some reason is immature.

    Even the OP knows theyve overstepped their assessment of their partner with the backtracking saying hes really nice and otherwise brilliant apart from the sole fact that he doesnt want to save money for no apparent reason. I dont save money for no reason. its called opportunity cost.
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