Buying house & differing attitudes

SensibleSarah

My brother was one of these types. Didn't take much very seriously at all until he and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy - he was in his mid-late 20s at the time, so not a kid. Now I'm definitely not telling you to do this but it absolutely was the making of him. He really stepped up in all areas of his life.

Just for those saying that people can't change - yes sometimes they absolutely can - but in my experience, they need a reason to.

bargainbetty

I married a man who, while utterly lovely and willing to do absolutely anything I asked of him, had no ability to see what needed to be done without being told. It becomes increasingly frustrating and engenders deep resentment. When you can't trust someone to take the most basic care of your home and self, you lose a lot of respect for them. Without trust and respect, love becomes very hollow, very quickly. We divorced after only a few years of marriage.

If you aren't on the same page about shared responsibility, then you are starting from an unequal footing and that rarely resolves itself easily.

It may be that he has been so very privileged that he genuinely doesn't see the need for certain tasks. Have a very honest conversation with him, and explain why this issue concerns you. Explain that you need to know that you two are a partnership, and not one of you dragging the other along.

If he makes efforts, support him and be positive, even if he doesn't do things your way - this is a common thing too! If he does it, be happy. If you tell him he did it wrong because he didn't do it your way, you create your own problem.

If he brushes it off and rejects it, then you have the facts you need to make a decision fro your own future.

[Deleted User]

He doesn't seem that bothered about buying somewhere so there's no point trying to badger him into doing it. The FTB event sounds a bit boring and unnecessary so no wonder he wanted to go and do something else. The house buying process isn't that complicated and there are lots of free guides on the internet, including this one from MSE: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mortgages/mortgage-guide/

I have been in the position of being about to take that next step in a relationship and by that point we had slipped into a parent/child relationship and I had really started to resent him. I am so thankful we had not bought anywhere together. Although he might not have been happy about the relationship ending at the time it was preferable to being tied into a 25 year mortgage with a nagging shrew who had damaged her optical muscles through repeated eye rolling.

Mojisola

SensibleSarah wrote: »

My brother was one of these types. Didn't take much very seriously at all until he and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy - he was in his mid-late 20s at the time, so not a kid. Now I'm definitely not telling you to do this but it absolutely was the making of him. He really stepped up in all areas of his life.

Just for those saying that people can't change - yes sometimes they absolutely can - but in my experience, they need a reason to.

"Sometimes" is a very important qualifier.

I know several couples who have children and it hasn't made any difference to the way the husbands behave - when asked, they say they have three children - two youngsters and a husband.

spadoosh

Lmao.

You sound like my wife.

For what its worth, i pay my mortgage, care for my kid, manage my house and then get baked whilst rinsing kids on call of duty.

Primrose

I think yiu are very right to worry abiut this issue. At best if yiu end up marrying and having children yiu could be trapped with this attitude for 20, 30, 40 years. If it irritates you now, how will you be if you have children to care for, a job to hold down, are constantly exhausted and resentful and he's still sitting watching tv, spending his money on frivilous items or not taking his share of responsibility. .

The stark reality is that most people don,t change their habits and attitudes and you really do ignore this at your peril. So many relationships collapse because partners have totally unreconcilable attitudes towards the handling of finances or domestic responsibilities which can cause endless stress.

Sit down and have one final conversation with him on the issue and let him know this is a red line in the sand for you. Set a target and see if he's capable of achieving it and don,t make any commitments in the meantime. But also be aware that unless he really does change his attitude in these areas on a permanent basis you could well find yourself trailing down the same track time and time again in the future.

ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU CAN LIVE WITH THIS UNCERTAINTY? A nice sense of humour isn't enough to pay the mortgage or the bills of help with the housework if you're sick or overworked. . Is this guy still going to be able to tick your "financially reliable" boxes 20 years down the line ?

DigForVictory

I know one couple with different approaches to money, but have stayed married, raised a family, have a lovely house - but I have to say the financial worrier is the high earning husband.

In your shoes OP, I might endure a bit longer to see if he can meet the challenge set. With a quiet determination to move off solo if he fails.

Which would be painful, but nowhere near as bad as hitting the same rocks several years down the line.

kazwookie

Facknats wrote: »

I
. I have stipulated that I still want to see him save and contribute £5k of his own money- reason being, I am cautious about gaining an asset which is expensive to maintain if he is not interested or ready to take any responsibility himself.

. So far it has taken a year of pestering to get him to open a Lifetime ISA, which would provide at minimum a free £1k- or the equivalent of 3 months of my own saving power! This is a 5 minute job.

. He earns more than me and since I stated I want to see him save his own money has easily caught up. Previously his money goes on computers, takeaways and his boy racer car.

. He has currently put in no research- rather than attend a first time buyers event where we would learn about the process opted to go to a drum n bass festival.

. He reasons that since we should just buy in the summer since with his parents money we could easily leave our very run down rented accommodation.

. Since moving into the rented house he has yet to take any responsibility over maintenance (e.g calling out for drains or hedges, the landlord offered a new carpet but he did not call the carpet fitters). I have left some jobs to him to see how they fare but always have to pick them up.

Advice?

You have stipulated..............



TBH If I was this bloke I would run for the hills, it reads as all about you, what does he want..............


I would be moving on from you......................

Gavin83

In all honesty in regards to the finances I'm a little confused. You say he doesn't save then go on to say he's caught you up and now has more saved than you. Which is it? In all honesty you should have a financial target to reach by a certain date, how he chooses to achieve that should be entirely up to him. It's not your responsibility to manage his finances, assuming he's paying his way.

What's the issue here? Is it:
1) Money? (and if so what exactly, as I'm lost)
2) Him having hobbies you consider inappropriate?
3) Him not helping with housework/DIY? (which I get)

pollypenny

He doesn't sound ready for a partnership, sharing responsibility etc. You'd have to be nagging him to do anything.

His expensive toys will come first, I suspect.