Buying house & differing attitudes

[Deleted User]

Gavin83 wrote: »

Honestly are people reading a different thread to me?

The guy has saved up and appears to have saved more than the OP. He's not exactly penniless and while buying a house doesn't appear to be quite as big a priority he's still clearly making an effort towards it.

The OPs main gripe appears to be that he isn't saving the rest of his salary for a 'rainy day' and I really don't see this as immature, more just a different mindset to her. It is of course good to have a buffer but some people take it too far.

He's saved up and yet still relies on the Bank of Mum and Dad to sub him at the age of 35. That's odd.

I get the impression that the bf can expect a lot more parental support if/when the time comes to buy than the OP which is perhaps why one is more fixated on saving than the other. Whatever the reasons if he doesn't want to buy or isn't ready to buy then there's no point in the OP trying to badger him into doing it. If the OP wants to buy then she could buy solely in her name until such time as he might be ready to jointly buy somewhere with her.

Primrose

spadoosh wrote: »

Silly argument. How many people have jumped in to marriage and stayed together forever?

Ultimately you dont know exactly the person your partner will become.

A relationship to me is about being able to compromise. It appears from the direction of this thread that not everyone shares my views. They expect to get everything they want and think they can either demand changes or should leave. Of course no suggestion at all to the OP that they could change their outlook. Well people dont change.

.

Exactly my point. People don,t change as a general rule, and whilst all relarionships require compromise, if a compromise involves having to change a basic tenet of your life philosophies, then an individual is probably always going to feel resentful or manoeuvred.

You can perhaps persuade/train an untidy person to become more tidy or a thoughtless person to become more considerate but if your life philosophy is to be a raging red socialist for example, expecting a partner to turn you into a true blue conservative is probably a compromise too far.

Most of us are a product of our upbringing and if you have certain philosophies which are an important part of your value system, matching them with somebody who has a different outlook may be an uncomfortable fit in the long term.

The important thing is to discover where those limits are in the early stages of a relationship before expensive financial mistakes are made. Probably less stressful in the long run to find a partner whose financial goals and philosophies prove a good match than to be continually trying to force each other down uncomfortable paths where one of you doesn,t wish to tread.


As for the issue of jumping into marriage and not knowing exactly the person your partner will become, of course there are no guarantees for any of us.

But thoughtful people do tend to look for warning or reassuring signs of an individual's personality and personal habits so as people rarely change suddenly overnight, there are usually early signs of what kind of ride you can expect in the years to come. The sad thing is that some people only realise this with the benefit of hindsight.

Our poster and boyfriend don,t seem to be in the same place or the same level of maturity at the moment as he seems happy to rely on his parents for financial support whereas she wants to make it under their own steam. It,s probably best for her to delay any house purchase and buy alone. A year may see either of their attitudes softening and they will then be happier going ahead without one of them having reservations.

However this post isnt just about the boyfriend's attitude to money. It,s about the personal effort he,s prepared to put into the relationship to make it an equal partnership of effort and responsibility. It would seem he has a way to go here, and our poster is right to ask herself questions. People can be lovely and funny but that doesn't make them the right partner if times get hard, the going gets tough and somebody is persistently not pulling their weight.

He,s in his thirties for goodness sake! . If he doesn,t have the initiative to accept some responsibility for his own future security without having to be nagged all the time maybe he would feel happier going back to live with his parents.

gloriouslyhappy

My first husband was kind, funny and caring, the life and soul of the party but always looking out for me, bringing me drinks, making sure I was included in his circle. He was a really great boyfriend, so I married him when he asked. Then soon realised that all he wanted to do was go out partying and drinking, but have me at home making dinner. He drank every penny, ran up huge debts taking his friends out, couldn't save enough to pay bills but wanted any money which I did manage to save.

Night and day approaches to life, it turned out. I thought marriage would mean working together to get a house, car, family, he thought it meant a 'mother' at home looking after him / cooking / cleaning / paying the bills so he could keep partying. I lasted three years before I walked out, should have done it sooner.

I didn't find out how different we were until we were married because I didn't live with him, you already know your attitudes are quite different from each other because you do live together. You need to decide if you want a party friend or a life partner, and take it from there.